[SadnessInside]

In freshman year of high school, I made the only friend I’ve ever had. I moved to a new school the next three years and never made a single friend. I would eat alone, usually in the library or I would just wait out lunch period in the bathroom or gym because I couldn’t bear the idea of sitting alone in the cafeteria.

i had a group of what most would call friends i met though my friend from high school for a while, but soon they stopped hanging out with me. I don’t blame them. I am completely unable to be myself. I live my life in fear of others, while at the same time, wanting nothing more than to be around them.

When I’m introduced to people, I hide who I truly am. I must come off as strange, or rude, I’m not really sure which. In my head I rehearse what I’ll say or how I’ll react to situations, then when it comes time for action, that same personality-less person comes out. When I talk to people my heart rate shoots up, I get nervous, my eyes dart everywhere, sometimes I even start to shake slightly. I don’t want to be a burden on the one friend I do have so I don’t spend much time around him either.

When I am close to people for a long time, I start to be myself and sort of create bonds with others, but it’s all fake and it feels that way to me. I feel like if they knew the real me, the one who has no friends, they too would stop talking to me. I’ve had girlfriends, but I’ve only met them through places like where I work because I’m around them long enough to open up.

It’s absolute torture living the life I do, and I have virtually nothing to lose. I say to myself, how could it get any worse; just be yourself and stop caring what people think. This never works. I get motivated but then when the time comes, it’s back in the shell. I am deeply saddened. I have nobody to share my life with, the few who will spend time with me occasionally, I have to hide the real me from them because I can’t imagine if they knew how lonely I truly am. At 27 years old, I just have nothing left. I can’t keep living my life this way, it’s complete misery. It seems though, no matter what I do, what I try, I am permanently plagued by this inability to connect with others.

I suppose I’m just looking for some help. I don’t know what to do and half of my life has just wasted away in the most shameful of ways. I’ve always been a very hopeful person, but at this point in my life it feels like hope is dwindling away quickly. Has anybody experienced and overcome something like this?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Sadness: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Here are links to some articles on the subjects of anxiety & loneliness, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/a...iety-overview/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-...ere-right-now/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tip...anage-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-smal...iety-symptoms/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...al-loneliness/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-unde...remely-lonely/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-mor...th-loneliness/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Hi Sadness. Welcome to the forum

[Llama_Llama44]

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. Do you / have you seen any mental health professionals? Maybe it would help to work through some of your fears?

You're scared, or anxious, or whatever. You aren't bad- if you could feel comfortable, you would!

[SadnessInside]

Originally Posted by Llama_Llama44

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. Do you / have you seen any mental health professionals? Maybe it would help to work through some of your fears?

You're scared, or anxious, or whatever. You aren't bad- if you could feel comfortable, you would!

I certainly appreciate your kind words.

I haven’t. Im not sure how I would handle talking to someone about all of that in person. It’s a bit intimidating.

I agree—I would look at talking to a doctor and therapist.

I see both. It really helps.

[Llama_Llama44]

Originally Posted by SadnessInside

I haven’t. Im not sure how I would handle talking to someone about all of that in person. It’s a bit intimidating.

I get that. Maybe it's worth pushing through that fear so that someone can help you? If you talk to the T on the phone first you can get an idea of what they are like (I'm sure phone calls will be scary, too, but you can do it!). You can even tell them how you're afraid to come in in person, and see how they respond.

My T lets me hide under a blanket a lot since I get so self-conscious sometimes (and no one else knows this IRL). I don't have social anxiety, I just get really ashamed and scared when we talk about certain things. If you find the right person they might be able to help on your terms...

[tecomsin]

Hey Sadness,

Good on you for reaching out here.

I read that Cognitive Behavior Therapy [CBT] is effective in dealing with social anxiety, which is what it sounds like you have, although we can't diagnose here.

It's a very practical approach to feeling better and overcoming obstacles. So if you do, one day, decide to go for therapy look for a therapist who specializes in CBT.

On the other hand there are also workbooks you can buy and do some of the CBT exercises and you might see some benefit just from that.

Medication can also be used to treat social anxiety but often this responds well to therapy and meds are not needed.

[SadnessInside]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Hey Sadness,

Good on you for reaching out here.

I read that Cognitive Behavior Therapy [CBT] is effective in dealing with social anxiety, which is what it sounds like you have, although we can't diagnose here.

It's a very practical approach to feeling better and overcoming obstacles. So if you do, one day, decide to go for therapy look for a therapist who specializes in CBT.

On the other hand there are also workbooks you can buy and do some of the CBT exercises and you might see some benefit just from that.

Medication can also be used to treat social anxiety but often this responds well to therapy and meds are not needed.

I am going to see what I can find on CBT. I really like the idea of trying CBT on my own first.