[omanytee]

This won't be a proper explanation, and very confusing. These are not words which are naturally coming out of me. Whatevver I write about my thoughts below I think are like an observation, I dont know why it is like that, it is a part of the problem.

From 6 years ago I have been getting these thoughts (or whatever they are, idk what to call them), which make me very uncomfortable.
I don't think I remember how I used to think back then, but from what I can gain from recent observations is that these thoughts are making sense to me, unlike intrusive thoughts. These thoughts would be about something and they would continue to make me extremely uncomfortable and ruin that thing forever until somehow I just forget I ever had it, which is not going to happen. (I don't know if I should give an example...)
For. eg. I went to the barber some months ago and thought about how I'm supposed to 'perform' here by sitting still. Then whenever I had this thought while the barber was working, I had phases of a few seconds where I was shaking, as in making an effort to stop myself from moving (sitting still). It still affects me, not as much but that is not a good thing which I will explain.
So the thoughts are like this and I think they make sense to me.
A few other thoughts are like if I'm watching a show I love, I'll suddenly realize the fact that how I've been on autopilot while watching this show and loved it till now, then I get really worried, then whenever I'm watching the show my fight with the thought begins (if I get it), and the show gets 'ruined' for me. So anyway as this thought comes to me more and more, slowly the worry and fear goes away, but the thought would seep in my brain, and I gradually mentally check out of that activity, and then stop doing it. I don't feel bored of it, I kind of don't feel anything.
SO the thoughts (or whatever) are like this, and they can ruin anything and everything I do, and make me obsess about anything, which I guess they have. Since 2014 they have taken over my whole life. I can't eat or take a bath properly, the habits are completely ruined, they're are better than when I was doing it manually at the beginning but still not normal. Recently I was able to put some focus on one video game that I enjoyed little bit, I had nothing else, but now I have checked out of that too. I think I am very tired mentally also. My mind is hyperactive but I think on outside I'm looking a bit like a depressed guy judging from a few things said by people.

I think you'll see that my point of view or the way I talk about this or myself is not normal. Weird thing is that the fact that I have this 'issue' or going through so much distress is not naturally making sense to me. Thing is that in 2016 end I just decided that this was a serious issue, and that 'there's something wrong with me', but it's not naturally making sense to me, I just say these all these things but my natural state doesn't care about it. He just wants to continue on, he doesn't recognize this struggle is not normal. After writing this post I will 'switch to my natural state' and continue to live with this mind and probably feel stupid for writing all this and not care about it. I feel lazy to switch to this 'mode' and ask for help for this probably horrible horrible issue. I think being in this mode is stressful for me too, so I can't do it continuously for too long.

I've gone to multiple therapists the past year, but the words don't come out properly. Could be because I'm naturally unmotivated about all this, idk. I've done an MRI scan hoping there was a tumor or something causing all this, but came out normal. I really hope it's something physical cause, I've no energy to 'mentally fight' anymore.

[Skeezyks]

Honestly, I don't really understand what this is about. It sounds to me as though it may be a mixture of generalized anxiety & intrusive thought? Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subjects of anxiety & intrusive thoughts. Perhaps some of the information in them will be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-steps...g-and-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/anxiou...-with-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-...ere-right-now/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tip...anage-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-smal...iety-symptoms/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...sive-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-tips...op-ruminating/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-mind...or-rumination/

I wish you well...

[Fuzzybear]

[Rive1976]

This sounds like Ocd. I have it. Post this on the ocd forum. You might get more replies.