[Sufferingforever]

Hi you can call me Pluto,
I'm posting here because I don't really know where else to turn.
I tried to talk to reddit about my problems on their psych subs but kept up getting banned or deleted for the extreme content that relates to my mental illness, I can only hope that this forum can provide me some sort of support as I have next to none in real life, the one single person being my boyfriend.
I also have no support online either, no one really at all to talk to about my mental illness since it seems to be so intense and not something you can just bring up it seems, even to other people with mental illness (maybe everyone's I know is milder...?)
I feel very very alone.

Here's what I deal with.
I have rapid cycling mood swings throughout the day. I have major depression. I have panics attacks I at least least 2 times a week. These feature self harm by

Possible trigger:

striking myself in the head with my first as hard as I can, hitting my head against the wall hard enough to put it a hole in the wall multiple times, or using any hard object I can find to hit my head sometimes until I see stars.
and screaming at the top of my lungs.

I've never physically hurt another person intentionally in all of my life.

I also suffer from extreme anxiety and dependant disorder, I have never been single for long and all of my relationships have been with men at least 20 years older then me.
I become obsessed to the point of dependency and I have panic attacks when I'm not around my bf for a short time, we spend almost 24/7 together because I'm terrified something bad will happen to him if he's out of my sight for too long.

I'm trying to go to therapy but it's very hard when I have a panic attack right before my appt. so then I can't drive myself, or can't afford a taxi, or it's too late to take the bus, the bus also makes me super angry and I've lashed out and verbally abused people on it before, I also suffer from intense road rage.
I also have tried like 5 different pills and none of the have helped except topax and that ONLY gets rid of the sense of impending doom I used to have all the time. Now I only feel it when my bf is gone for work for a long time, rather then 24/7.
It takes so long to get on a pill and see if it works and then even longer to taper off...it's torture.

I just got off olanzepine after realizing that I'm not having psychotic symptoms (voices or visions), the reason I started taking it is because I had the wrong definition of psychotic and my nurse practitioner didn't correct me, just put me on it anyway, which resulted in a 2+ month long battle during talatuda 40mg
Viibryd 40mg
Xanax 3mg
Methylphenidate 54 mg
Mirapex 1mgpering and withdrawal that included intense insomnia where I didn't sleep for 8 days and then nearly only 30 minutes a night

So I feel very jaded about the for profit pharmaceutical company and their pill game, but at the same time there is something VERY wrong chemically in my brain so what am I supposed to do about that since just therapy dosent help when I'm in the throes of a violent and hateful self harming panic attack??

So as you can see, I cannot under any circumstances function in society right now. I'm on disability but I can only afford rent because I live with my bf and he gives me a heavily discounted rate that exists nowhere else in the town I live in. And if I were to move out of town I'd lose my therapist, my doctor's, etc....
I put all of the weight of my illness on my bf, I have no one else to turn to, besides a therapist I see once every 2 weeks (that's their availability, and I can't get more on Care Oregon)

I really need a place I can vent and talk and seek guidance.
The rage component of my panic attacks is new, only wibut now in D&R temporarily till we decide how to handle this member.thin the last two years, and I feel like those symptoms are born out of my frustration at seeing myself getting worse and worse mentally and physically and literally NOT being able to get myself the help I need.

Sorry this is a wall of text, but I feel like all of this needed to be said so people talking to me can refer back and get a good idea about what I'm going through without just breaking up all symptoms into different threads or subforums...
Thanks...

Pluto

[mote.of.soul]

Hi Pluto, thanks for sharing. Appreciated. Yes, the path to mental health is a tough one all right, and I related to a number of aspects you mentioned including the lashing out at people when I'm under stress/anxiety. Thanks for sharing that, it's such a difficult thing to own about oneself, for me.

I think it's a good idea to vent on this site to release those things that need to come out. I read a lot of peoples posts and it helps me to know I'm not alone in my struggles as well. Keep battling and keep fighting Pluto, you're doing well.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi Pluto, and welcome to PC!

I don't have delusions but olanzapine calmed me down quickly without the addicting properties of benzos. I'm off it because of physical side effects, though. Same with Geodon.

I also found that larger doses of Latuda caused restlessness, so I had to go with the lowest dose and take Artane to reduce the symptoms. I also take gabepentin and Vistaril to calm down.

All in all you can only do what you can do. It sounds like there are other things going on, though, and you need to bring them up with your therapist and/or psychiatrist.

welcome to psychcentral.

hope you stick around..

Hi Pluto, hope you keep posting here and that we can help you

Welcome