Obsession with make-up has ruined my life

Hi everyone,

My issue isn't very common but I hope that others can provide insight. and apologies for the very, very long message to follow!

So during high-school, I was severely bullied. I was shy, quiet and very nerdy. I've always had a bit of social anxiety because I grew up in a dysfunctional family (parents were/are physically and verbally abusive, plus family members with mental issues, etc.) and my father is quite anti-social and bad-tempered, which rubbed off on me. However, I'm not looking to blame my parents, it gets me nowhere and despite this, I love them very much.

In high-school, I only wanted to study and get good grades I grew up being told "you'll do great in life, you are a smart girl" and I genuinely thought I'd be alright as an adult. However, the bullies distracted me and my priorities changed - I would fantasise about being one of the popular girls who had boys asking them out. But most importantly - they weren't bullied. Instead they bullied me and most of it was about my appearance. Both girls and boys called me ugly, hideous and disgusting and it really cut deep . Also, as mentioned already, my parents were verbally abusive and when they lost their temper would also call me similar names.

I was never one to care about how I looked as a kid. Not superficial in the slightest. I mean, I loved pretty clothes and whatnot but I could take or leave it! I wouldn't say that I thought that I looked good but I never thought that I looked ugly and I never spent more than 10 seconds in the mirror. However that all changed in high school when I began to wear heavy make-up. I didn't do it for fun though anymore, I did it because I wanted to alter my features and to basically disguise my face. I lightened my hair too, lost weight and began to obsess over my appearance. I would wake up 2-3 hours earlier to ensure that I looked absolutely perfect.

The sad part is that I actually became popular and would have other girls telling me how beautiful I was. Dating didn't become an issue, either. It's obviously what I wanted at the time but it came at a price...my obsession with just looking good overrode my studies and consequently my grades plummeted. As a result, I ended up leaving school at age 15, with no qualifications, because I developed such bad anxiety attacks due to severe social anxiety and an obsession over my outward appearance.

Ever since then, I have not gone one single day without wearing make-up and when I say make-up, I mean a full-face of cosmetics (full foundation, heavy cat-eye make-up, lips contoured, etc). I am genuinely terrified of being seen without make-up and have had nightmares about it! and what's even sadder, is that my partner of seven years has not seen me completely bare faced. At most, he has seen me with a bit of foundation and eyeliner I cannot talk to him about it because I know that he would not even be able to wrap his head around it. Plus, what if he's only with me because of how I look with the make-up?

I have reached a point now, in my late 20s, where I am sick to death of this phobia and underlying need to be socially accepted. I think about all the time I've spent obsessing over my appearance, looking at cosmetic surgical procedures online and ritualistically applying my make-up everyday... and then realise just how much time I have wasted. The need to cover my face is further reinforced when people complement me and tell me I'm pretty or have said "you should try modelling!". I say thank you, but mentally I'm saying "pfff, if only you saw me without make-up". Or when men give me attention or call me beautiful. It's so, so pathetic that I need these acts of approval or else I feel disgusting. I want to make sure that I look good when I'm in front of other women especially, because I've openly seen women "sizing" me up and down, and feel as though they're searching for flaws in me to make themselves feel better and I want to avoid them finding any flaws. But I ask myself... why should I care? Why do I need your approval? and it all goes back to the need to be socially accepted as a kid. I'm still carrying it now and it's absolutely ridiculous.

The full consequence of my phobia has really sunk in as of late especially when friends of my partner and I have studied, had careers, bought a home, etc. I never went to university which was my goal, I have not been able to hold down a job for more than a few months and the jobs themselves have been demoralising because they're not what I want to do. I struggle to have relationships with other women because I find them too shallow and catty but I think that my "fake" appearance attracts this. This isn't who I am though

I want to apply for university later this year, hold down a job, and to get my life on track. I know that in order to move on with my life, I need to overcome this phobia. I want to be able to wake-up in the morning, bare-faced. To go out, bare-faced. To go swimming and put my head under the water without fear of ruining my make-up. I want to feel confident in my skin and I know that this will start when I detach myself from this obsession with my looks. I want a meaningful life where I spend time doing productive activities rather than in front of a mirror.

There's so much more to life than this...but I've no idea where to start.

I know many women (and men) have issues with make-up, their appearance and such, but my issue is so extreme that I'm struggling to find any specific advice

When i was a kid i was bullied by my teachers and treated like the demon child and teachers would dread getting me the next year and the others would celebrate me leaving their year. I was the person who had to be responsible for anything gone wrong in the school. I had a British teacher who would tap her ruler on the black board and have me locked in the deputy principle office in the bag room. If physical punishment was still legal that teacher would have whooped me on a daily basis.

My first teacher would call me dumb and a liar and would not teach me and make fun cus i couldn't spell my name right and had to ask her to do it for me, She locked me in the closet on the first day and i was so scared. Not even lunch time was happy as it was spent alone. My first year was full of dread.From then on i learnt not to put my hand up and not ask for any help and that's when my anxiety and fear of being judged and called stupid started ,That teacher was fired and revoked years later for doing the same to others. My school work was bad i had trouble doing stuff because i was too afraid to ask my teachers for any help. My last teacher at that school was amazing when i was 9 she was the first to tutor me and smile in class and make me love school and have an interest in doing school work. Then my parents pulled me out and we moved far away and i was at square one again.

Then i left school and only ever did 7 months of high school and was hated and despised by the whole school so i left at 14, Then the bullying started when i was at the learning center for kids not in proper schools for being bad or for not fitting in in real school.

So i can relate to your miserable experience within school. I love my dad and he knows he was wrong but he used to call me dumb and an idiot and make fun of me in front of others so for most of my early life i thought i was dumb and gave up on myself. People have no clue how these things can severely affect a person growing up and the grave consequences life will bring you as an adult.

Now i isolate myself because i feel i am not welcome in society and just suffer by myself with depression , severe anxiety and insomnia , I am constantly thinking about my past and every bad thing i was called and every person who bullied me and stole from me as a teen and have ptsd from living next to meth addicts who eventually harmed my mother and sicked the pitbull on her and threatened to kill us with a shotgun. Only good thing that came from that was we saved the nice girl who was being abused next door.

It took me until 29 to realize and say all those people were and are wrong and that i have just as much a right to exist with everyone else and what they say is not true anymore they just want to have control but i dont let em anymore for the most part lol.

All i can say is dont let those people from school control you anymore and therapy along with meds helps , I have learned you need to change your perspective and thinking and it will get easier but not necessarily better.

Hello, your issue isn't so rare because I suffer the same. I too, was bullied in high school, mostly because I was a skater kid and turned kinda goth at the depths of my depression. The other kids wouldn't say that I was ugly, but that I was just a freak and I should runway or kill myself. All because of my outward appearance. I began to isolate and things only got worse from there.
I had already started playing with dark makeup but by senior year I had the full face going on. Looking at pictures from that time is difficult. I too, would wake up while it was still dark out to prepare for school. By that time, the bullies had moved onto someone else but I became very popular with the boys. All of a sudden I was beautiful to them and all I could think was that the magic was in the makeup. I didn't feel as if I had much else to offer.

Fast forward to the present. I am in my 30s. It took 2 years before I allowed my girlfriend to see me without makeup. Even now, I kind of cower and look away, telling her she's staring too long.
I have to wash it off at night because I'll break out otherwise but I used to wake up an hour earlier than she and put my face on and lay back down like I had just woke up like that.

I do feel myself breaking free though. Babysteps. First I stopped lining my brows. Waited a couple weeks, then started skipping the foundation. My goal is to eliminate one by one until I reveal my true self to those close to me. Once that happens, and with their support, I may finally break free and do that coffee run make up free.
I hope you find peace in this. Makeup is fun but there is a fine line between enhancing and hiding. Good luck to you.