I got anxiety when I
First started working.
That's why I was fine
Not going on the checkout,
Even when they
Earned more money.
I think that....
Was being pushed
To do the wrong
Type of work.
When he turned
Down a job offer,
He was punished.
Not being allowed to
Put the heating
On low during the day
In winter. And not buying
Him coke or foods
That they bought
For him before.
Not giving him allowance
Or a little money
To see him through.
And getting him
Next to nothing
For Xmas too.
They just made
Matters worse and I
Can see why he
Thought that he felt
Nobody wanted him.
It wasn't quite true.
It's just the
Working class mentality.
I think it's not just
Our family that's failed him
But the school too.
I really hope he
Gets his act together
Because the longer
He leaves it, the
Less likely he will
Leave this rut.

I did not Want to
Back and do highers.
But a friends offered
To give me some pointers
Seeing as my motivation
Was the key issue.
When I needed
To listen to my own heart.
I know I could cover
Up that whole year
And say I took
A year out to do
My sport and I had
To work to pay
For my away training,
Travelling, hotels and comps.
This was accurate.
I don't think many
Budding athletes
Worked full time
AND studied fulltime.
A Saturday job sure.
It's no wonder I crashed.
I just attended
Enough classes to
Keep mind ticking over.
But the tears
And the wall.
The expectation was
Too overwhelming and
My behaviour i.e. drinking
Clearly showed I was hurting.
But a ten minute doctors
Appointment what good
Would it have done?
An anti-depressant wouldn't
Have cut it for me.

I thought I would
Stand a better chance
At gaining entry
To university with highers
Than a HN Certificate.
Seeing as highers covered
Maths and stastics
And computer driving licence.
If I'd done an HNC
Chances are I'd have
Had to do another year
Like an access course
Since I'd probably only
Be granted at degrees
Specific to the HNC.
I didn't want to do
All science like
My good friend did.
But I didn't see myself
As a leftie for social science.
So somewhere in
The middle would do.
I decided why
Not stay local until
I feel stronger.
So I decided to do
A subject that involved
Some practical practice.
So I attempted the
Comp. therapies.
I had told the person
Who interviewed me
For the Highers that
I wasn't enthralled by
The idea of 're sitting
And that massage and reflexology
Had caught my eye.
And I got accepted for
The HNC level.
But after I was issued
The reading from
The aromatherapy, I realised
That I hadn't regained
My mental prowess.
And it would not sink in.
I turned off the music
And still my mind
Said : I am worn out.
They sent me a nice
Letter asking me
To come in and
Chat to a guidance teacher.
But I wasn't fit
To go back to the
Routine of work or study yet.
And it's not easy
To describe my affliction.
I should have offered
A short explanation.
Instead of dropping
Into oblivion . But
Nobody around me
Gave me that nudge.
I told Fred but he
Was a typical egocentric
Young man and didn't
Seem to listen.

I wanted to get
Away at all costs.
Who could blame me?
My mum saying
I have something
Wrong with me.
Telling people I
Would probably Never
Get better. Yelling
At me that I
Was sick and people
Up "there" take
Mediction for life.
The community nurse
That was supposed to
Make sure I settled
Safely at home
Breaking confidentiality rules
And telling my mum
Behind my back
That most people go
On to "milk" the system
And don't do
Anything constructive
With their lives.
My blood father
Wanted nothing to do
With me, according to
My mum because now
I had something, and
Would never be healthy
Or have a good job.
So the shoe was
On the other foot now.
David saying I
Was pathetic and
A waste of space
And they wished they
Could "pawn" me off
To a home just incase
I got worse if
Something like that existed.
This was the 21st century.
People DO get better
And get treatment in
The community.
Because of medication.
We might be "lumbered"
With this waste of
Fresh air that
Someone else could
Be breathing. Everyone
Was telling Fred
To leave me. People
Who had known
Me before I got unwell.
I still seen a couple
Of pals on friday
At the pub. But I
Needed to break away.
Despite all his faults
It was Fred who
Kept me Away from
Unsavoury gangs I may
Have got in tow with.
I would have been
Thrown out for definite
If I were hanging
With drug users.
And that was a slippery slope.
In hospital I was
Approached by a guy
And his pals.
A pack of lost boys.
One where everyone grabs
Their purse and phone
When they pass to
Make sure they
Don't get robbed.
So when I stuck with
Fred for a few years
I thought that
If I wrote a book
That was my
Get out of jail free card.
The doors to a
New life. A chance
To show I was
Worth more than
The hand I had Been dealt.

Look before you leap.
I never accounted
For two at one address.
They said is it.. or...
And it was not printed
On my timetable.
So I panicked and
Said I need to double
Check some information
In my car and
I would come back
Lunch. Better safe than sorry.
The I got I received
A call to squeeze in
An extra as my lunch
Slots were a piece of pie.
And I forgot.
It wasn't my job anyway.
I Was never one
For trying to get
Brownie points but
I had to get talcum
Powder for my hair
As The roots looked
Greasy. Dry shampoo
Runs out so darn quick.
It's a pain.

It was a wistful comment.
As if: oh it wasn't all bad.
It was a good reminder.
And it made me realise,
That my mum was
Not lying about
My blood father
And the verbal abuse.
I didn't doubt her.
I remember being on tv
Sitting on my
Mums lap watching darts.
It was a good shot.
I'm so glad that
We are burying the hatchet.