[mulan]

I can't stand my own thoughts. I absolutly think them to be right, maybe I shouldn't. Not believing them is tough, not having them is harder.
I am a slave of imagining I am boring and what I say is wrong and stupid.
I can never trust someone, I believe love is disposable and everything you say at a giving moment can put in geopardy the opinion others have about you.
That's it. I am sad, anxious and alone. And I am discretly crying in a public bus while going to the shopping to buy a christmas gift for my brother. And to say the truth I feel ashamed I am buying him a present and I am not even sure why am I doing it. But thats because I am unsure about it that I am going to do it.
My bet is none of my siblings is going to give me anything and I feel emotionaly distant from both, my sister and I fight a lot. I don't have to justify myself or feel this is a fake move from me. My sister is going to shame me for doing this and they will both get embarased.

[MickeyCheeky]

It sounds like you're going through a lot, mulan. I'm so sorry your sibilings aren't treating you well. Do you live alone or with them? I'd try to cut contact with them and avoid them as much as you can, if they're being so toxic to you. Can you afford it? It also seems like you're struggling a lot with your self-esteem. Perhaps you need to work on that before you start any relationship with other people. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Remember that you're NOT boring or stupid, and that you're as worthy of love as everyone else, despite what you may be thinking right now. I hope you'll be able to see it one day. Sending many hugs to you

[mulan]

Mulan is so damaged that it transforms her in a bad person.
My family are the social relationships I know and I was shaped to live with. I am not perfect and I admit I am not easy to deal with, I understand my sister. Don't know if she is unfair to me or if I am to sensitive and deserve some of her lectures.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not a bad person, mulan. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Things will get better. I'm sure of that. Please don't give up. Sending many hugs to you

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by mulan

Mulan is so damaged that it transforms her in a bad person.

My family are the social relationships I know and I was shaped to live with. I am not perfect and I admit I am not easy to deal with, I understand my sister. Don't know if she is unfair to me or if I am to sensitive and deserve some of her lectures.

Mulan I feel exactly the same. I struggle with this everyday. I don’t feel my personality is good enough, my real self (whoever that is, I can’t actually remember her anymore) is too boring. I try over exaggerate to be interesting, but I feel uncomfortable and stupid. People pull me down a lot and I think it’s because I’m so unsure of myself, I don’t have the confidence to fight back. It’s so exhausting but you’re not alone.