Friendship anxieties

I get anxious around friendships. It’s a form of social anxiety I think, but I have no problem leaving the house and talking to people, it’s closer interactions I get stressed about.

I do overthink at times, and I question myself a lot. Although I really like some people I find it hard to really believe they could like me all that much back. When they don’t reply or go quiet for a while I tend to think that it was bound to happen. It does happen quite a bit.

I do have some suspicion I have autistic traits, and social ease doesn’t come naturally to me - interactions can exhaust me. I work hard at saying the right things is the best way to describe it, while still authentically being myself as much as possible (if I’m relaxed I can go on about subjects that fascinate me and know not everyone will want to hear so I try to reign it in). I might add I am a good listener and do focus on what others are saying, in fact sometimes I can get overwhelmed by people who talk a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if friendship isn’t for me, I have written this on here before and people said that was negative thinking, but it’s what I think. I am very fond of several people but it feels stressful sometimes trying to figure out interactions.

Maybe it’s pragmatic rather than negative thinking to think maybe it isn’t for me? Do some people live perfectly content lives with no close friends and acquaintances only?

Something similar happens to me with my only friend.
We were exchanging messages to meet each other. For different reasons we postponed the meeting. Last time I took the initiative but he was busy and now I have been waiting for him to initiated but he hasn’t done it.
I doubt whether contacting him again or not. I don’t want to force him. Maybe I will only contact him to ask how the course began. He’s also a teacher. I don’t know it. I have my doubts because I know he appreciate me.

Maybe, you could contact her only to ask how she is doing and see what happens. How do you think she sees your friendship? Each case is different. What do your guts tell you?

I believe that is IS pragmatic rather than negative thinking about friendships. Society has programmed us to shun anything/anyone who doesn't conform to social norms.

Well, not everyone requires friendship to thrive. And that doesn't mean they have a mental illness, in my humble opinion.

I have always been a veery outgoing introvert. That personality style (INFJ) is veery difficult for some people to adjust to and accept.

Trying to figure out other people's social cues isn't necessarily autistic (although it could be). There are health conditions (not related to mental illness) that contribute to people's difficulty reading social cues.

And, it could also be related to social anxiety disorder too. I'm just thinking out loud and brainstorming causes of social anxiety, since I suffer from that myself.

Social Cues: What They Are and How to Read Them

Friendship may or may not be for you or me in the way it works for most people. That doesn't negate our need for social connection with others, either.
Everyone is different in that sense.

For instance, I despise text messaging (as I have complained in my threads on PC). So, I tend not to forge friendships with people whose communication preference is via email, instant messaging or text messaging. I prefer face to face or phone communication. Finding those same types of people is difficult, but I know they have to be out there.

Find out what your preferences are and let people know so that you can choose whether or not to invest your time getting to know that person based on their preferneces. Does that help at all?

You initial post on this thread sure resonated with me. I almost could have written it. As early as 3rd grade, age 8, I was walking around at recess time at school by myself . . . wondering how I could connect with some other kids. I didn't feel disliked. Other kids weren't mean to me. I just didn't know what to say. I was fine at home with my siblings. But making small talk with others outside my home just was something I didn't know how to do. I saw this described very well in the DSM as a social phobia of childhood, where the child is governed by "fear of rejection" and can only relax, socially, in the company of others where there is total faith in being accepted, like with immediate family. That described me to a T. Like you, I always waited for others to initiate saying hello. I always worried that I might be intruding or bothering others, if I initiated an approach.

You come across as very socially appropriate and empathetic. Your posts are thoughful and not, in any way, tedious to read, as happens when a person is overly self-absorbed. You strike me as having plenty of social potential.

To be human is to need friendship. I don't believe that anyone can live with little social connectedness and not feel emotionally distressed. It's a basic human need. Even monks are maintained emotionally by their close integration within a community of mutual caring. So I would not advise you to give up on trying to build meaningful relationships. I was in a close relationship with my partner for 36 years. Now he is gone . . . passed away 3 years ago. I've dealt with the grief successfully. Now I mostly smile inside, when I think of him, which is a few dozen times a day. I'm so glad we had each other. However, I am now in considerable distress due to spending way too much time alone. It's not good to have all your eggs in one basket. Even if your dear husband is destined to outlive you, you need other relationships. You need them now, and you certainly need to not be left isolated, if you were to lose him. I speak from experience.

You have, perhaps, been frittering away your energy and attention on persons who are not really worthy of the investment you've made in them. You sense that yourself, and you're starting to pull back. Like you said, if I understood, you hang back and wait for others to select you. That's what I've done all my life. That's not a strategy for ending up with high-quality friends. I'm talking to myself, as much as to you. We need to start being the selectors. Just a thought.

It sounds like your friend has a busy life too Azul? If it’s a short gap, like a few weeks or so then I’d not worry he’s probably caught up in a busy time, 15 months however is more ominous. Birthdays and Christmas passed with no word….

That’s an interesting question, how do I think my friend saw our friendship…? I’m really not sure, she seemed happy and relaxed in my company but maybe she was just acting? I really don’t know. I do think I was usually the one who reached out first. That’s not always a bad thing, I have another friend who I usually reach out first to but she’s reciprocal and that seems like a balance.

I won’t contact her, not after this lengthy time. I think if she’d had any care for me she’d have wanted to know how I was. Simple as that.

I’m sorry, Disco. I replied taking into account only your new post not the original one.

I don’t even know how to have friends.
That seems like real person stuff.

I had years where I had no friends at all, it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not a real person.

It’s been a very long time. It feels like it means something.

I wouldn’t even know where to start

How do you remove a 'friend' request? My cub sends these out too often sometimes, to people I don't even know.

It's not as if she hasn't been burnt many times before, including recently.

How do I cancel a friend request I sent to someone on Facebook? | Messenger Help Center

I found this fuzzy.

Coming back to this again, I noticed the friend who periodically doesn’t get back to me and drops plans was doing this again and I made a decision to give them the same amount of attention as they’ve been giving me. Normally I’d reply in a timely fashion and be available but I started to reflect it’s been one sided for some time now and it’s not making me feel good about myself.

I actually feel better already, and I’m telling myself that I need to take this response with this friend more often. Before I would’ve felt guilty but not anymore.

I don't think any human can live well in isolation from other humans. Even monks in a monastery are part of a community that is closeknit and that regularly meet for group prayer. I've had a mild social phobia since early childhood. I could echo a lot of what you say, as being true for me. Before considering a diagnosis of ASD, I would look at situational causes because I believe those are more common. Specifically, what kind of social habits did your parents role model? My own parents tended to not mingle a lot. Neither had close friends. They tended to socialize only with blood relatives. Social ease and competency depend on a set of skills that are not innate, but must be learned. We need capable role models. Plus, we need lots of experience.

You are self-conscious in social situations because you feel unsure of what to do. I go through that a lot myself. Regardless of the cause, the fix is to go after and embrace opportunities to interact, knowing that we may be a bit socially clumsy and will make mistakes. Fear of embarrassment can be a strong reason to hang back, which we must push past.

You're very self-aware in a good way. It sounds like you have plenty of empathy. You have found yourself in relationships where you seem to invest more than the other party, and you wonder how to handle that. Me too. I tend to back off and not pursue closeness beyond what the other party seems to want. I don't like to get my feelings hurt by rejection, so I am probably overly quick to back away from others. That sensitivity to rejection probably has a history behind it that reflects the social dynamics we experienced within our nuclear families. I tend to look to "nurture" over "nature" as being what shapes our personalities. To some extent, that's just a prejudice I have. But I have found that knowing family dynamics is sufficient to explain a lot.