Um... hi. New. Help.

madameenchanted · Apr 03, 2008, 12:29 AM

So, hi. I just posted an introduction post, but.. now I am going to post a *real* post.. LOL. I am really nervous so ignore my silliness.

I have been diagnosed with GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD. I have had all of these things for a very long time, but now the OCD is the worst it has ever been. My live in fiance who I have been together with for over four and a half years has gone on a trip overseas to Europe. The trip is only ten days and there is only three more left, but ever since he left the OCD has been INSANE. I didnt even make the connection that it must be BECAUSE he left until now. I know OCD can get better or worse in certain situations.

I see someone right now, but its not a whole lot of therapy. More like.. check ins to make sure I am surviving. LOL. I am not on any medication right now - the only thing I have is Ativan for when I get horrible panic attacks.

I am at my wits end. As I sit here typing this I am crying because I have been having this horrible urges to do things. It used to be very organized. Everything was done in 5s and I had a set routine. Now, its all over the place. I have left my apartment three times so far tonight to step on a piece of cardboard until it feels right. It still doesnt feel right and I feel like if I dont go back and step on that cardboard over and over again, my fiance will break up with me. This is always the *if*. My fiance will break up with me. Our relationship is perfectly fine.. I know this. I know stepping on cardboard doesnt make a difference. So why do I insist on doing this! I need help... to make it stop. I know I need to get some more therapy and I am going to work on that, but does anyone know any tiny small things that might help at all.. how do you remind yourself that its not real...

BalishBun · Apr 03, 2008, 02:47 AM

I wonder if meds would help. As far as the anxiety, the xanax was just not enough. If I relied on just that, I would probably accidently overdose. My Zoloft helped me a lot, and now I seldome need a xanax.

Perna · Apr 03, 2008, 02:59 AM

Hi, MadameEnchanted, welcome to PsychCentral.

I don't have the OCD or panic portions of your mix but when my husband was away on business trips; I learned over several trips that if I could make the physical situation a little more "as if" he were there, I'd do better. I would get very frightened at night, that someone was going to break in, whatever. I worked so it was horrible if I had to get up the next day and go to work because I wouldn't be able to go to sleep until 3:30 or so, when I was sure all the robbers and murderers had gone home to bed :-)

What helped me was leaving the lights on in the living room, as if my husband were still up, in the living room reading. Just having the lighting similar to how it "normally" was (I use to go to bed 1-3 hours before he did) reassured me and I could read and then turn out my light and often doze and sleep a bit better (until 3:30 when I could sleep completely :-) until time to get up for work.

I also learned, from before I was married even, that it is always better when I'm alone if I go out each day and talk to a real person; can be a store clerk or librarian, etc. Just as long as I have an interaction and get out of my "head" that helps me.

I don't know if you can substitute any of your usual rituals for the cardboard one, but doing something in relation to your finance, that reminds you of what you would do when he's around, maybe that will help? What about him and his behavior reassures you normally? See if you can find some real little thing (like putting a ticking clock in a new puppy's box to reassure and remind him of his mother's heartbeat?) that you can focus on instead of a new thing?

I would play around with creating a ritual that is helpful rather than "meaningless". What foods does he like to eat? I'd eat some of those. I'd recreate lights and sound and other sense situations to recreate what you have when the two of you are together. Hang one of his coats or some of his other clothes on a chair where you can see, stroke, and smell them? Think of little things to surprise him for when he gets home (focus on his being back home); does he watch certain TV shows and can you tape an episode? Plan a special meal for when he gets home and go buy some of the ingredients or make a reservation at a restaurant you both like? Think of some little activities he hates to do and do them for him while he's away (a car checkup or washed, some small clerical hassle with a bill or insurance fixed). Set some goals for yourself that are hard enough to need more of your attention and energy (rather than thinking about his being away).

stig · Apr 03, 2008, 08:16 AM

Hi,

Welcome to this website!

I have psychosis problems, sometimes I feel like I am being watched by the police or the federal government. I know when those thoughts seem too real, I need to take my meds, abilify for me is my medicine. I do not think you should blame yourself, so do not cry Um... hi. New. Help.

gimmeice · Apr 03, 2008, 02:46 PM

I have ocd and I know it can be very nerve racking. It sounds like your anxiety over your fiance being gone is what is causing it to act up more right now. The best advice I can give is to try to relax, meditation can be helpful and just tell yourself over and over again it will be okay. Feel free to PM me.