[lifelesstraveled]

I keep having these thoughts that I am about to lose my job. I keep thinking my boss is tracking my computer usage and trying to get enough info to fire me (mind you I am at work now and probably shouldnt be on PC lol). But I can't let these thoughts go i feel like they are completely irrational to a certain degree...or not since I am on PC and not doing my work right now. Also, one day I left my cell phone at work and went back to get it and I found my boss at my desk snooping through my yahoo conversations (we use Yahoo! to communicate when she is not in the office). Also, I havent really been able to concentrate on work for several months now, which is not helping the situation. I can't seem to get anything done and I am afraid my boss will find out...I feel extremely paranoid and then feeling paranoid is leading me to think I have schizophrenia, and then if i have schizophrenia, what if I am about to lose my mind, if I lose my mind then no one will want me and I will be alone and crazy, homeless, jobless etc for the rest of my life etc etc ...that one thought spirals out of control until I am one big trembling ball of tension.

I wonder if this stems from how I lost my previous job. They did it so underhandedly (sp?). My last day of work(which i was unaware of that fact was my last day), I went home thinking everything was cool. I noticed my supervisor was giving me less work that week but didnt think anything of it. Then the night of my last day, I went to bed and got up and went to not knowing that the previous day was my last day. When I arrived at the office I was greeted with a bag of my belongings,which was extremely embarrassing and told that I did no longer work there. They said that they'd decided it the previous day in a meeting and wasn't going to tell me until the end of the day, which they didnt by the way. And then they lied and told me they'd called and left a message on my phone, which they didnt. They actually sent me an email at 10pm at night, while I was IN BED resting for what I thought was another day at work. That was probably the most embarrassed I'd ever felt, walking out of the office with my stuff in hand as everyone else was coming into work.

As I am typing this out and re-reading it now, it sounds so crazy...i know, but I can't stop thinking about it. Just last night I kept thinking I had schizophrenia (I have had these thoughts on more than one occassion) and worked myself up to the point where I started crying and freaking out in the bathroom. Then I thought maybe I had some personality disorder, before that I thought I had some medical condition like diabetes or multiple sclerosis or lupus ( i was having crazy physical symptoms for almost a year, which i have decided is probably related to depression and anxiety--can you tell?) Ironically as anxious as I am about going, the only thought that is eases my mind right now is my first T appointment next week, which seems like ages away. I am scared I am going to work myself up into a frenzy before then and really lose my mind. Until, talking on the phone to my boyfriend seems to take my mind off of thigns. I havent told anyone about this because it sounds so ridiculous. I have this huge fear of losing my mind and being completely alone in this world because of it. Just thinking about it, I can feel my heart pounding.

[digdug]

Wow, what a horrible way to get fired. If it makes you feel better, sometimes the worst things that happen to us can make for the best stories years after the fact. Life is ups and downs that we usually can't control...but you know, I find that it's the downs that help us best connect with other people. Anyway, that's something that helps me rationalize the bad times...I'm having a pretty tough go of things right now, to be honest with you.

Anyway, it sounds like your problems are classic anxiety...I wouldn't get worked up thinking you have something more severe, unless you have obvious psychotic symptoms (e.g. voices in your head).

Now, I don't mean to add to your anxiety, but have you considered that your current stress is being partly caused by Sick Building Syndrome? I had an office job that gave me very similar symptoms to yours, along with severe dizzy spells. It's only now that I realize that SBS was a likely cause of my problems...other people in the office were getting dizzy spells too, by the way.

The air we breathe can definitely affect our mood, especially for those of us who already suffer from anxiety, depression, etc. Offices can be toxic environments.

I'm not saying that this is the only cause of your problems, but I wanted to throw it out there.

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I keep having these thoughts that I am about to lose my job. I keep thinking my boss is tracking my computer usage and trying to get enough info to fire me (mind you I am at work now and probably shouldnt be on PC lol). But I can't let these thoughts go i feel like they are completely irrational to a certain degree...or not since I am on PC and not doing my work right now. Also, one day I left my cell phone at work and went back to get it and I found my boss at my desk snooping through my yahoo conversations (we use Yahoo! to communicate when she is not in the office). Also, I havent really been able to concentrate on work for several months now, which is not helping the situation. I can't seem to get anything done and I am afraid my boss will find out...I feel extremely paranoid and then feeling paranoid is leading me to think I have schizophrenia, and then if i have schizophrenia, what if I am about to lose my mind, if I lose my mind then no one will want me and I will be alone and crazy, homeless, jobless etc for the rest of my life etc etc ...that one thought spirals out of control until I am one big trembling ball of tension.

I wonder if this stems from how I lost my previous job. They did it so underhandedly (sp?). My last day of work(which i was unaware of that fact was my last day), I went home thinking everything was cool. I noticed my supervisor was giving me less work that week but didnt think anything of it. Then the night of my last day, I went to bed and got up and went to not knowing that the previous day was my last day. When I arrived at the office I was greeted with a bag of my belongings,which was extremely embarrassing and told that I did no longer work there. They said that they'd decided it the previous day in a meeting and wasn't going to tell me until the end of the day, which they didnt by the way. And then they lied and told me they'd called and left a message on my phone, which they didnt. They actually sent me an email at 10pm at night, while I was IN BED resting for what I thought was another day at work. That was probably the most embarrassed I'd ever felt, walking out of the office with my stuff in hand as everyone else was coming into work.

As I am typing this out and re-reading it now, it sounds so crazy...i know, but I can't stop thinking about it. Just last night I kept thinking I had schizophrenia (I have had these thoughts on more than one occassion) and worked myself up to the point where I started crying and freaking out in the bathroom. Then I thought maybe I had some personality disorder, before that I thought I had some medical condition like diabetes or multiple sclerosis or lupus ( i was having crazy physical symptoms for almost a year, which i have decided is probably related to depression and anxiety--can you tell?) Ironically as anxious as I am about going, the only thought that is eases my mind right now is my first T appointment next week, which seems like ages away. I am scared I am going to work myself up into a frenzy before then and really lose my mind. Until, talking on the phone to my boyfriend seems to take my mind off of thigns. I havent told anyone about this because it sounds so ridiculous. I have this huge fear of losing my mind and being completely alone in this world because of it. Just thinking about it, I can feel my heart pounding.

First, I am sorry to hear about your negative experience and the firing...that was completely unprofessional. That said, they coulld actually be monitoring your computer usage, not to add to the anxiety, because internet surfing on company time is against most companies policies. That said, they can find out what sites you are visiting... If you are visiting this site, that would give them all the ammunition that they need finding out that you have a possible mental illness. There is such a stigma in society, that when people feel that is a possibility, they become unhinged and do stupid things...

That said, I think for your own good it is best to stay off of these types of sites while at work...this coming from someone who was over the department responsible for monitoring employees computer usage while on the job...just my humble opinion!

TJ

[ScaredSad]

I have to agree with the above poster. Sometimes, anxiety is in place for a good reason. It's a warning that everyone, with a mental illness or not, gets to let them know of danger. I think you are worrying about things that are very real concerns.

Now, at the same time, some of us (me especially but I don't know you well enough to say you) are so super sensitive to things that we worry above and beyond what is necessary to stay safe. There's an emotional oversensitivity that can lead us down frustrating paths...

While I want to empathize with you for the worry, I don't want to give you a false sense of security that everything's going to be ok... when it might not work out the way you'd like for it to in the end. If it worries you, stop doing it.

As for the anxiety vs paranoia question... there's some new research being conducted that looks at paranoia as being the exact same thing as anxiety. They even are suggesting that there have been multiple misdiagnoses of psychotic disorder given to people who really just have OCD with disturbing, repetitive thought patterns instead of disturbing, repetitive behaviors.

So, it's really not something that needs to be discriminated between right now as much as it's important that you can find a solution that works for you to lower your discomfort right now. If your boss does know which internet sites you've been visiting, it's possible you can undo any damage already done by abstaining from further internet use on the clock. Just do your absolute best each day and if your anxiety still isn't under control, try and figure out if there's some other issues triggering you in that environment.

Do you have someone you can process things with when you get home? Is this an issue you can discuss with your therapist?

Ok, I'm exhausted, I have to sleep but I wanted to write b/c I have a lot of anxiety as well. I'm anxious tonight because it was like everything that came out of my mouth today was wrong. Everyone I talked to... I regretted talking to... I feel embarrassed by 90% of the words I said... and I shouldn't, of course it's irrational... but it's how I feel.. and it sucks.

Good luck with your stuff and hope you feel better soon.