[Locust]

*There may be triggers, I don't even know what I wrote anymore*

I really need support right now, but I can't stick around to recieve it and should already be gone out for the night, to take care of important business. I don't know if I'm more sad or nervous right now. And you can add self loathing and angry to the list.

I am really nervous because I am supposed to address a "crowd" tonight. I do volunteer work and it is very important to me, but it is always so hard to confront the public speaking part of what I do. Every time I know I need to speak, it is a struggle. Usually I make myself do it, but it's hard. I know it's not like I am facing down death like many activists do, but it's still scary and it's a struggle everytime I do it. I just make myself because it's important and it needs to be done, and I don't want to say I sat by and did nothing and just watched injustice being done in the world.

I understand the people of my organization asking me to speak at hearings and at gatherings of people, where large numbers of us will speak individually because we need as many people to speak as possible and to testify and try and persuade people to do something. But tonight I am not being asked to speak at a public hearing or for congress people, or to persuade the general public. I am being asked to address our own members and a few others in the community, to tell them why I joined (which I had done at meetings of a few members before- smaller numbers), talk about one of the things I've worked on with the group, and mention how the donations to the group made that possible and make continuing work possible, so we can encourage them to give. In this case, only one person speaks, and they are preaching, to a degree to the choir for the most part, so I feel I am not needed, since I feel they could have gotten someone much better than myself to speak on this subject, thanks to my panic issues.

To make matters worse, now I not only panic, I cry sometimes. Imagine, a crowd full of people, and you forgetting half the things you meant to say, shaking very obviously, knees getting weak, having to take water over and over with shaking hands rattling the bottle so your mouth won't go dry too much, microphone shaking, licking the lips continuously, stuttering, words cracking, and you tearing up and just breaking down in pieces. Your anxiety, the giant elephant in the room, no one will acknowledge. And the crying is really embarassing for me, by the way, and I don't even know what is causing it really.

So since I thought they could get someone better in this case, and since they only need one speaker, and since it is not a time when I feel they needed me much, and MANY people will be there who are capable of addressing the issue and surely would in my absensce, I have become avoidant. Now I feel like a jerk. I am late to the event, but do not think they will do this part of the presentation until the end, at which point, I will be there and will deliver. It is just so hard for me and while I want to help, I wonder why they select me for positions like this when only one speaker is needed, and when we are not trying to persuade anyone for support on an issue, but merely asking our own supporters for money. It's not something I feel I am needed for. And I don't know why it makes me nervous, but I get nervous saying my name at meetings. How can you mess that up?! Your freaking name?!

I have been nervous for days about this, and have already broken down in tears tonight after a fight with my mother. I was late getting ready to leave because of putting it off, but as always I got ready to leave, anyway. Since I was late- which I am always late for most functions, unless I REALLY, REALLY need to be there early- not just because of avoidance, but because i have some sort of mental issue that makes me chronically late. lol. Anyway, I called mom to me to tell her I was nervous, and as I was about to ask her what she thought of my speech (which I have thought out, but am mostly ad libbing), instead of listening, she just started in with, "Well, why did you make yourself late?" Kind of stuff about how horrible it was that I was late. I already feel guilty and stupid for being late even though I doubt I am needed till the end. And I am so nervous. My mother has been very supportive of me to the point some would call enabling (not to diss her, because I am glad she has helped me so much), but the point is, she is supportive to the extreme in ways, but when it comes to stuff like this, sometimes she totally misses the ball. I really wanted her support, but she just pointed out an error on my part that was too late to correct, anyway, and something that I was already concerned about and added to my stress, so I told her to leave, and we got in a big fight, so now I am crying and have to enter with blood shot eyes. Which is why I am putting this off even more. I don't like people to see me with swollen blood shot eyes. I am so scared I will cry tonight in front of everyone. I also got the urge to SI because of the fight with her and wanting some support so badly and not getting it, but I refused to SI and managed not to since the urge was less than usual.

I really hate my anxiety. I hate myself for letting it control me sometimes. I hate myself for not doing more when I should. And I am angry at the people who are causing injustice in the world for many reasons, including- although, certainly not the main reason I am mad- the stupid, selfish reason, of being upset that because of them....because they cause harm in the world, because they are apathetic, because they need people to debate with them over the obvious problem and harm that is being done, I have to suffer through public speaking again and again. I know my suffering is minor compared to these issues, but still, it ticks me off. And all I can think right now is how much I needed that support earlier. Like I said, my mother is great and has went above and beyond what she needs to do for me, generally speaking, despite me being an a**hole to her sometimes, but tonight, I just really needed that support. And I want to call my friends for help, but three are usually unreachable. One, I could call, but I don't think I will. I need to leave. And another I can never contact, either. It sucks. I need these people to be there for me and they either can't or won't be.

I hate anxiety. I'd take pills, but am afraid of side effects, and the last kind I tried made me tired and I had to drink water ALL the time.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( locust ))))))))))))))))) I hope your event goes well. I think that you sound very devoted to the cause that you are behind but is there anyway that you could do other things that are not as hard on you. We don't have to suffer to help others, there are ways we can volunteer without putting ourselves through all that. I am sending you lots of hugs.

[Locust]

Thanks Gimmeice. I will respond in more detail later, but I wanted to say thank you for responding to this and supporting me. Things went okay. I think we got a decent amount of donations, and hopefully other people will donate before the year is out. Also, we got a new member, which was great! Thanks so much again for being supporting and understanding.

[nightbird]

I am glad you are feeling better!!!

Peace and Love,
night

[Sannah]

Hi Locust, why didn't you tell them to find someone else?