[xivella]

Hey everyone. I haven't posted in this topic before, but I feel that it's appropriate. Right now, I'm at school, well, in the dorm computer lab because I left my computer in my room. Anyways.. I'm on this site for a number of reasons, including depression and anxiety. Lately I've had this impending feeling of dread. I'm not sure why, I just feel so down all of the time. I have spent more nights crying myself to sleep than I'd like to admit, and I just can't seem to figure out what the problem is. I'm also very anxious, to the point where it's difficult to function. For example, yesterday, my boyfriend's dad mentioned that we should drive to Texas in May. My boyfriend and I live in New England, and he was saying we should drive down to see his parents. Well, I was unable to function, unable to communicate, until I could look up our summer term dates, find directions, and set the plan into stone. I always need a plan, otherwise I worry for hours on end. I worry about every possible way things could go wrong if we have no plan, as well as whether or not I will forget. I'm also constantly worried about whether or not I'm going to be late for things, and I end up leaving for events far too early. I worry about others' impressions of me, what they think when they look at me, or when they see me doing something. I worry whether or not they are judging me. I always carry pepper spray when I'm walking in the city - even in the day time - because I am afraid. I'm also to self concious or something to talk to my therapist about this. I don't know what happened, but suddenly, in the past year, I have been absolutly terrified of what people think of me, and I always need to have some kind of plan, or I'm horribly uncomfortable... I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe some advice on how to stop being so worried about everything, or even how to talk to my t?...
Anyways, this post has been horribly incoherent as I'm scared to be late for class right now... Thanks all, have a nice day.

[Sannah]

Xivella, I think that it is very important that you talk to your T about this. Have you always been anxious.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( xivella ))))))))))))))))

My only suggestion on how to approach this subject with T is to either print this post out because really I think that you do a good job explaining what you are feeling or you could write your T a letter. Of course I really understand these type of things as I do the same thing, the being late thing really gets me especially when we go through a time change, if one clock is wrong even though I have two other clocks that say the right time, I feel late and usually end up in a panic attack as a result.
I also do the plan thing to it helps me feel prepared for things, I really think that you should bring this up with your T because it could be very helpful in your treatment that she know this, telling myself that sometimes helps motivate me to approach a subject.

[xivella]

Thanks a lot guys. I'm going to see her on Friday, and I think I'll write some stuff down to tell her. It's difficult because I feel like she doesn't know much about me... especially because she recently suggested that I could be finished seeing her... which would be a very bad thing. I dunno. It's really hard for me to unload on someone because I feel as if they're constantly judging me, so I have a lot of things I can't say to her. I'll keep trying though. Thanks again.

[Sannah]

Let us know how it goes.........

[xivella]

I figured I'd add to this. It'll make me feel better to get it out I guess. I've been in the middle of a panic attack for the last 50 minutes. I was sitting in my math class, and the final exam is Tuesday. I'm not very good at math, and my grade isn't fantastic. My professor hardly speaks English. Her markers for the white board are half dead, and I can't see. The she says to the class "If you think there's a good chance that you'll fail, you need to withdraw from the class." And so here begins my story. I know that if I fail, I lose financial aid, can't transfer to another school, have a terrible GPA, and run the risk of even being kicked out of school. All of my other grades are stellar, math is not. So somebody asks "Dr. Gu, can you tell me what my grade is so I know if I need to withdraw?" And she just said no. So then the same kid said, "Well, what if I see you during your office hours?" She still said no... so by now, I'm fighting back tears because I've been asking for my grade all semester. I'm about to be absolutely hysterical. So I run out into the hallway and call my boyfriend who offers no consolation. Great. So I'm losing it, getting a throbbing head ache, thinking all of my not so nice thoughts that happen when I'm in panic mode, [e.g. I'm a failure, I should die, I hate my life/myself.. etc]. I went back into class and when it was over, I asked if she could tell me what my grade is. Meanwhile, she's just been giving kids that she likes extra points... [wtf!!?] She said well, your test average is 67, quiz is 11/15, and you got 5 points for homework. Okay... so Then I asked, can I pass? What's the grade? Her reply: "It all depends on the final. I'm not working it out." ............ So I'm about to just lose control in front of my teacher and entire class.. and said "If I get a 70 on the final can I pass?" and she said I don't know, I'm not figuring it out! ...... So I don't know what to do, and I'm totally afraid of failing... I'm getting a migraine because I have so many feelings that can't come out, and to top it off, my terrible room mate is in my room.. she's had a huge mess in here since Sunday, won't clean it up... and I am having OCD issues because it needs to be clean.. so I can't sit still and I feel like I'm going crazy.. The Res Life people won't tell me if my room change went through, so I'll only have 2 days to move, if I even get to.. I don't know what to do at all... I can't sit still and all of my feelings are stuck inside and they can't come out so I'm feeling worse and I might throw up... I don't know what to do. =[

Just needed to get stuff out. sorry for the long post.

[Sannah]

Hi X, I was in your position before. I knew I wasn't doing well in my math class but I took a gamble and I failed. Boy did I wish that I would have withdrawn! What is your gut telling you and what are the drawbacks of withdrawing?

[xivella]

It's kind of a toss up... I feel the need to complete the class because I lose financial aid, have to start paying loans and such if I'm not in enough classes. If I fail, I lose aid, and have an awful GPA... It feels like a no win situation. I think I'll stay in it..

[Sannah]

Can you go talk to anyone at financial aid about this no win situation? Are there tutors available?

[xivella]

Thanks everyone. Just wanted to do a quick update.. I saw my T this morning, told her about PC, and made a lot of progress. I finally told her about my worries and such, and we're trying to make things better
Ella

[Tumnus]

Just my two bits about the math class. I doing poorly in math as well and was terrified of a math class in college. I kept sleeping through the class and had a T.A. for lab who barely spoke English and kept making mistakes on the white board and having to start over, totally confusing me. That's when I found out I could actually teach myself better from the book than from listening to others. I don't know if that works for you, but since I felt so out of control in class and lab, I felt more in control teaching myself. If you are able to teach yourself from the book--or with the help of a tutor--it might help. I did actually pass the class, too.