[shyam_k]

Hi,
I am here for my brother who now studies in his 12th grade(in India). This is the final year of school education here and this year he is writing various entrance exams towards getting admissions to undergraduate course.
He is a brilliant student who passed his 10th grade public exams in 91% marks and could get admission to prestigious entrance coaching centre in the state. There he found even more brilliant students and thus his own desire to top the class bounced back as a huge stress to study things in a way that he can't. It was the first time he was staying in a hostel, and he was in the top 100 of 1000s of students there.
He managed the stress for one and half an year of the two year course(10-12) and thereafter his own pressure to study became unbearable to him that he gave up the wish to study.
Now he is even hesitating to write the ordinary school exams let alone the various other entrance exams. He is angrily responding to the very topic of studying anything.
We have been going to half a dozen doctors and we are continuing to do the councelling as each one refers to the other. They all says it takes time to change the attitude, but it has been months and he even threatens dad and mom about suicide! what can be done next towards changing his attitude?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shyam_k

what can be done next towards changing his attitude?

He has to want to change his attitude. Understanding what is going on with him (and his understanding of himself) will go further than just wanting to change him.

[madisgram]

you need a ! what a wonderfully loving sister you are. i'm sorry that your brother is hurting so badly and that you are concerned for his welfare. it must be difficult to bear when you love someone.
i think sannah's post is a good one for you to consider. keep us posted. we do care.

[shyam_k]

As I said we already have done many counseling sessions under different doctors with some resulting in small changes though all that came back soon to his initial problem. He continues to be more and more angry when asked about the studies. Even when the doctors ask "why you are not studying ?" he replies to dad as he comes back, "if i know that, why should we go to him?! ", we are sure that something is really bothering him which he is not disclosing to us or to the doctors, or he is unable to specifically say what his problems are.

At the same time, he remains as brilliant as he is on all other topics than regular academics. be it on the games, on the normal chat with family.. he is even ready to actively study the tools required to design websites, as i proposed him to design my home website!! ( he is very passionate about designing, particularly on car designing and he continues to chase that hobby and is a keen observer of latest car designs!)

Actually what kind of treatment he needs?! I was referring to the difference between psychiatric and psychology treatments...It seems what he needs is an "upper stage" kind of counseling, than any medication...What you say? which kind of mental health expert i should approach?

Can I get the experts here to look seriously on to the matter Through an online counseling or something? by march he is to write the public exams. He has already failed all the mock exams conducted by the school..and i am worried that failing the upcoming public exam will affect him very badly.

thanks
Shyam K

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shyam_k

He continues to be more and more angry when asked about the studies.

we are sure that something is really bothering him which he is not disclosing to us or to the doctors, or he is unable to specifically say what his problems are.

Maybe there is too much pressure? How about leaving him alone for awhile and encouraging him in those things that he does enjoy and do well? I don't think that there is any medication for someone who is generally doing well in life and is just not doing what everyone else wants him to do........

[shyam_k]

Actually we are doing the same. These days he is dropping his class and staying home freely. He just passes his time playing around, watching tv and playing computer games. btw he lost the initial interest to develop the site and all that..
And we never says him to do anything.

now we got another doctor, whom he liked and tomorrow he would be visiting the doctor for the second time. The first visit was good that he asked me to search him the details about dropping an year on the public exam and also about alternative courses other than the 12th class.

What i fear is that, weather missing this year's public exam would lead him to a more serious trouble(That his friends has progressed but he hasn't). Anyway we are just letting him to relax and decide what ever he wants to do and hoping he would recover soon.

He from his childhood is a sensitive person and has through out been teacher's pet. As he joined the hostels for 11th and 12th class, he came out of that pupa and that made him so stressed..also its his way not to be fully disclosed(nothing serious)like be it his computer password(though i can easily check his data becoming the root user).... and may be that made him not to disclose us about the stress he is feeling until it really moved him

thanks
Shyam K

[gimmeice]

Hello Shyam K, welcome to psych central. I think looking into the idea of putting the exam off is a good idea and then once you know all the details maybe you could discuss this with him to see what he wants to do, if he chooses to wait I dont think that it will bother him enough to really worry about.
As for which expert you should approach I am thinking both, I find working with both very helpful that way you get the best of both options.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shyam_k

He from his childhood is a sensitive person and has through out been teacher's pet. As he joined the hostels for 11th and 12th class, he came out of that pupa and that made him so stressed..also its his way not to be fully disclosed

Do you think that he is a person who doesn't feel like he is powerful as others? Does he hide things to maintain some sort of power? Is a passive/aggressive person who instead of speaking out just resists others? Is he the youngest?

[shyam_k]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you think that he is a person who doesn't feel like he is powerful as others?

He initially had very high self esteem as he has been always in the elite group through out his school days. And as he joined the hostel and coaching centre, he no longer belonged to the highly elite group there though he still was in the highest class there. But even that was untolerable to him that he tried and tried and again tried to reach on top of them. The hostel is a little bit strict to tackle the wicked ones. But he was comfortable initially with that and he told dad "this is the greatest oppurtunity i have, its the best time for me to come out winning". The hostel people allows students to come home one weekend per month. But lately he tried to compete with his full energy that he was there in the hostel for three months. May be that made him so tired, mentally.

Hmm I would say he is pretty stubborn about being on top in everything he is involved in.
Be it the academics of even in simple games with me. Its either win or don't-play for him.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Does he hide things to maintain some sort of power?

No he actually hides his own problems. Its like he is possessive to his things, that he hides the computer passwords and he is very particular about keeping his toys(when he was child).. It has been his nature not to talk us about his problems. So far there hasn't been any serious things that he hide. But during the initial period and nowadays too, he is either hiding or he don't know what really hurts him!

Originally Posted by Sannah

Is a passive/aggressive person who instead of speaking out just resists others? Is he the youngest?

He is the youngest of our family. I usually have noticed his behaviour, that he will be silent to his react after when the discomfort is repeated. I mean on simple things like when i say him to do something etc..;-)

The interesting thing is that in the midst of all these, as he wrote the model exams, for maths he has 49/100 when even the topper just scored 58/100. And the teachers of his school is so confident about him and they are willing to help him answering his doubts specially along with their usual "rescue classess" for the students lagging behind... But the problem is that he is not willing by even .001% ready to study.

Actually well before this, during the days he took the 3 months stretch, we used to say to him that the marks won't count and even with the marks he is much higher than many others. I use to help him explaining the text portions and i myself am interested in explaining things to others. And we use to do that successfully. during these pressure started mounted on him, though he himself invited me to help him explaining the text, he was like a pot placed upside down. Nothing was getting into his mind! And that day i got literrally tired of teaching him. He was so resistive to accept any thing.

They just came after visiting the doctor. The doctor says dad that he is not having any serious problems. And even he suggested him to be relaxed and prepare and to attend the exams comfortably..

But he is still not willing to study or to do anything. He is still very violently reacting to the very discussion on this matter at home. That just after coming from doctor, we were asking him "mann so howz it, what you think, what to do next.." he was resistant, and now just staying inside the bathroom....

Dad has become so tired by this time and he now has literally no idea of what to do next and he is particularly worried on what the future will be.

Thanks
Shyam K

[shyam_k]

Very glad to say to you people that He have recovered from the state, and now is back at the hostel to prepare for the exams! He considers to take psychology as a career!seriously!

In between it even gone to the level that he gone out of house as, dad had a burst of his sorrow. though he went to the nearest town, dad could go out and get him back in half an hour!

We could also get one more doctor, a church's father, whom also my bro liked much and then he really started his recovery.

Then I and he had some talks about possible career he would like to pursue, and i said him to choose a course only after fixing who he would like to become. Thinking abt that he decided to pursue psychology as his career, and he is now ready to complete 12th grade which is required for the eligibility of degree courses on psychology!!

thanks a lott for you guys !

Shyam K

[Sannah]

Hi Shyam, I somehow missed your post from 1/22. Glad to hear that things are better!