[goose]

Hey,

First off, I'm new here. This is the first time I've ever 'vented' or explained my problem on the internet. I've done some research and I feel it has only made the problem worst, so maybe having people give me more direct answers can help the situation. First off, I'm not asking for a quick fix, nor am I hoping this thread alone will solve my problem, but I need some advice on what I can do to slowly get out of this. I'm done looking for quick fixes...I really don't think there is one.

Anyways, big breath...

I'm a 19 years old guy and have recently hit a very insecure point in my life and I'm struggling to deal with it.

The problem I've always had insecurity, and I can't say it spawned from anything specific or tragic in my life, but I've never been able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tend to deeply analyze situations and come up with elaborate worst case scenarios that tend to seem almost logical or realistic in my own mind.

I feel this has a lot to do with the fact I've constantly ran away from things my whole life, and that my parents have spoiled me. I've never had a problem with money, and the easiest thing to do whenever a kid was teasing me at school, or anything difficult came along, was to run away and hide by mommy and daddy.

Of course I slowly grew out of the 'clinging to mommy' stage, but I've always found myself in these sort of comfort zones and never really testing myself or attempting to make some serious changes in my life.

Here's how I've analyzed, or tried to come up with some of reason as to why I'm the way I am.

1. Childhood: Comfort zone was academics and computer games. I focused only on school and went 'above and beyond' in the classroom. This was as a result of being teased for being 'gay' when I was about 10 years old. Instead of facing this, I ran from these kids and became very introverted. I became very socially awkward around girls because I felt they would think I was gay or incapable of being the guy they wanted. I still feel this way, however I've had a girlfriend and I've slept with a few girls lately. I was never talkative and suffered from a fairly serious social anxiety disorder. Nothing was clinically proven, but I felt VERY uncomfortable around the popular kids and I longed to be noticed and accepted all of my childhood.

2. Highschool. My academic drive started to burn out around grade 11...and I had a sort of epiphany that made me realize high-school was coming to an end and I should embrace the few years of freedom I had left (at least this is what I told myself...). I started to drink a little, got out of my shell and surprised myself when I was suddenly becoming more popular and accepted by the 'popular' crowd. Around this time I was also lifting weights in the gym, so my mind and body was healthy. I felt very good about myself and was worrying less about approaching girls. In grade 12 I had a gf and was with her for about 1.5 years. The guys thought I was cool because I was Mr. Tough, and the girls wanted to be around me because I was Mr. Muscle-man. I felt great about this, but looking back at it, I realized I was extremley naive and I was banking ENTIRELY on the fact I had a girlfriend and was bigger than most kids my age. Now that I have neither of those, I realized how insecure I really am.

3. 1st year of university. All along I had planned to take a year off to go travelling with my high school friends. The thought of opening up and going on not just a physical journey, but perhaps a journey of "self discovery" and personality growth seemed almost perfect. I felt that travelling would allow me to really understand myself and gain a new perspective on life. I was always very conservative and somewhat of an elitest in school, and I felt this opportunity to break free from that could really improve my personality and help me build a lot of confidence.

My parents and I argued a lot around this time, and they were becoming very pissed off by the fact I was drinking and partying, and my grades were slipping. They hated the idea of me travelling and although they didn't force me to go to university 1st year, I felt somewhat compelled to go through with the idea...just because I was tired of arguing.

This is where things REALLY went down-hill.

I'm from a town of about 9000 people...and I went to university in a city of 6 million. The university had 75,000 students and was in the heart of downtown. At first I thought it was amazing and I felt very important and motivated...but once reality set in, and I realized how alone I was in such a big city...I fell apart. My gf and I broke up, probably because of how insecure and unstable I was becoming. I never truly learned to understand people and I found that I didn't have the tools or resources to make good friends at university.

The only friends I made were elitest assholes who used people for their own personal gain. I was in a top business program and everyone was about money money money...and nobody really gave a rat's *** about anyone else.

I slowly reverted back to how I was in my early years of highschool. I fell back into a pattern of sleeping too much, going on the computer too much, and I avoided going out.

I started smoking weed...mainly out of desperation and curiosity. I had always been curious to start...and I was desperate to find a group who'd accept me. So i played myself up a bit and acted like mr. adventurous. I was trying all sorts of things that I really shouldn't have...and it drove me into this horrible trap where I can't seem to escape.

I'm completely on my own now. I feel like I can't even relate with any of my old friends, I can't talk to my parents, and I can't make new friends.

I have started to develop irrational thoughts like I must be gay if I'm this insecure (basically looking back on my past where I was made fun of this)...

It's come to the point where I'll be walking down a street and if I look up and the first face I see happens to be a man, I'll assume this must only be a sign that I could be.

But this isn't the focus of my anxiety. My anxiety attacks breed from all sorts of thoughts.

I have this belief that socialites, or those who are the confident "people-person" types understand a sort of higher knowledge that I'm not even aware of.

I feel like everyone who gives me a positive reaction is being condescending, or are patronizing me. I feel like they can immediately detect flaws in my ability to be social and that it's a little like comparing my knowledge of programming with someone who barely knows how to operate windows vista.

I also feel liek my past friends were using me for some sort of sick enjoyment, and that my girlfriend was only going for me to see if she was hot enough to land a 'gay guy'.

I have forgotten what it feels like to be a man. I had sex with a girl and while I could still maintain an erection and was enjoying myself...I kept getting these thoughts that, "maybe she's just using me...", or that "maybe she was dared by her friends to see if she was capable of getting with a guy who 'obviously' likes guys".

I feel that I need a group of male role models who can teach me the "unwritten rules" to being a confident and successful man. The type of guy who is comfortable in his own skin and doesn't have a problem attracting women. I feel nowadays I go unnoticed, and that I am unaware of a set of skills, or 'street-smarts' that give you not only happiness, but success in all walks of life (business, relationships, health).

I feel I need to break out of this insecure stage, especially as I'm entering man-hood. I can't be insecure my whole life and I need to become a confident man who can support a family.

I feel desperate and confused. I need to know what to do.

I really need a lot of help. I'm not sure what you guys will make out of all of this. It's a very long post, I know.

Thanks

[Capp]

Hello, Goose, and welcome to PC

You've got a lot of things going on in your life right now. It took courage to post about it, and I applaud you for doing it.
There are several groups/forums that would be of help to you...anxiety, men-focused group, and others that may be of interest to you.
People here support and care for one another. Read some of the forums and ask questions--you can also PM the moderators for additional help.

Speaking out is a big step, Goose. Good for you!
It makes life so much easier when we find others who feel or have gone through similar things.

Peace,
Cap

[kittycats]

Goose,
Hi I am new too and you have came to the right place. I am learning a few things about myself that have been going on in my life mood wise. Like finding out I have severe anxiety issuses and now may be bipolar but this community seems like a very caring place to be.
Please keep coming back here for the supposrt I see they have chat rooms may be we can get in chat in there soon.
Hang in there my friend you are not alone!!.
hugs,
kittycats