Confrontation

cantstopcrying · Feb 09, 2009, 04:30 PM

I don't do confrontation well. Even when I am in the right, I don't do it well. Either I totally shut up and acquiesce (because that keeps the peace) or I get so frustrated I cry or I stand my ground and make people mad.

Today I had to send messages to 4 staff members who messed up again on one of my study patients. I say messed up because it was deliberate, it was not a mistake. They just "don't have time" for them. They have been given an SOP by management, explicit instructions, etc., and it just wasn't followed. Now I have to do a protocol deviation which is bad against us. So I sent a message saying that it was unacceptable that after being given all these instructions and having 3 clinical people there this still was not done. I apologized for making them mad, but I am frustrated and when the FDA audits, it's ME that's going to take the hit. So of course one of them contacted my manager, whom I sent a copy to, and "explained" the situation, she also sent me a message back saying it was totally inappropriate, that I just didn't understand. I received her "side" of the story and it still comes down to they just didn't do it. Now she's been calling here every 15 minutes or so for me. I can't talk to her. I can't handle people talking meanly to me, I can't handle people that won't take responsibility for their actions, I can't handle it. I'm sick to my stomach because I know when she comes back to this office she's going to be standing in my doorway in my face and it will take everything I have not to shrink under my desk. I handled it very professionally when I expressed my displeasure, now she's taking it as a personal attack. My "job" has always been the peacekeeper. I can't handle this. Someone is mad at me and I can fix it by apologizing and saying I was out of line and lowering my head like I always do, but I don't want to. Please help.

Sannah · Feb 09, 2009, 04:33 PM

What is so scary about a person before you who is angry?

Can't Remember · Feb 09, 2009, 04:38 PM

You're not alone. I will do whatever it takes to avoid confrontation or having anyone mad or even disappointed in me. I understand. I don't answer my phone either. It just makes me sick. I'm so sorry you feel this way too. I just want to hide.

cantstopcrying · Feb 09, 2009, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

What is so scary about a person before you who is angry?

I don't want them to be mad at me. I'm crying as I type this. Good grief! I just need to grow up and deal with it.
1. It makes me very uncomfortable knowing they are angry, knowing they are angry at me, knowing my actions or words have made them made and offended them, even if I know I am 100% justified or right.
2. It makes part of me mad that they can't accept responsibility for it and I don't want to get upset at them.

I was hoping you would respond Sannah, so you could help me through this.

Can't remember, it is a terrible feeling to be an adult and not be able to face someone who is angry.

nowheretorun · Feb 09, 2009, 05:05 PM

hi cantstop, you do have a tough situation on your hands.. does it help to know from within tht all you've told us here in this post is to your defense and can be fairly and calmly presented to your higher up? of course any higher up can choose to overlook reason, but for you, can you know from within what is reasonable TO YOU and then allow others to make all kinds of unreasonable demands, you dont always have to perform them, angry attitudes or not... maybe the anger is a tool they have used to 'convince' you that their wishes take precedence over your own sense of well being... dont allow it, but dont push the line too far either.. somewhere is happy meeting ground, and if not..... there is always someplace to run, just choose it well...

Sannah · Feb 09, 2009, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

It makes me very uncomfortable knowing they are angry, knowing they are angry at me, knowing my actions or words have made them made and offended them, even if I know I am 100% justified or right.
2. It makes part of me mad that they can't accept responsibility for it and I don't want to get upset at them.

Why are you uncomfortable with their anger? Who got angry with you when you were a child?

With #2 you want them to take responsibility so you don't have to take responsiblity and stand up for yourself and handle this? (I had to overcome my fear of confrontations so don't think that I am saying that you should be able to handle this. What I am saying is that you can walk through this and understand what is going on.)

06:28 PM

((canstopcrying)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) It is very hard to stand up to angey ppl when you yourself has faced that at at home.
I understand the wanting to shrink under the desk feeling. Know that you were right in your job. You had to stand your ground. I do know its still hard.
You said (((I don't do confrontation well. Even when I am in the right, I don't do it well. Either I totally shut up and acquiesce (because that keeps the peace) or I get so frustrated I cry or I stand my ground and make people mad. )))))))
Brings tears to my ears dear person awww
That is what i do ....except if its to protect someone else.
(((you matter)))))) i hope things get better
muffy
(((sannah)))) good questions......usally its the parents who instill the fear
can not speak for canstopcrying. If it helps her i can say mine did that

Feb 09, 2009, 06:30 PM

(((canstopcrying))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I have to say I am sorry. In writting first post I goofed big time
I fixed so sorry if you saw it.
when i am tired typing sometimes does not come out right
please forgive me

muffy

Can't Remember · Feb 09, 2009, 06:33 PM

my parents made it not ok for me. I spend most of my day trying to stay 2 steps ahead of everyone to avoid their anger/disappointment/confrontation.

cantstopcrying · Feb 09, 2009, 10:11 PM

Thank you all so much. Yes, it was my mother who got mad at me--I didn't have enough friends, I said the word "john" instead of bathroom, I didn't write neat enough, I wore pink with yellow, I liked baseball. Stupid things.

The whole blessed situation just got worse. I try to stand up for myself and I get an email from my manager telling me that first thing in the morning I must apologize to them all, just because one of the girls went to her manager and she called my manager. I was not rude. I was not mean. I told them, "I'm sorry if this upsets you." I don't get it. And I can't ask why without crying. Part of it is because I know the answers. The answer will be 1) just do it to keep the peace 2) because now Dr. Breece will be mad at Brenda because I offended a member of "his" staff and 3) "You know you don't deal well with people."

I just her and Dr. Brill an email stating that if she would compose the apology, I'll sign my name to it, becasue obviosly my actions and words can be trusted to be correct. I am so tired of this. Why am I never allowed to express my needs and wants? Honest to God it was not rude or mean or out of line. I can't handle this. No one ever "has my back", but I do and do and do for everyone else at that company. Everyone else in that company is allowed to say no, not me. "find a new job" isn't exactly practical. I'm a clinical cardiology research administrator. How many of those are within driving distance of podunk michigan? none.

I have been feeling so good about things lately and now I've just had the rug pulled out from under me and it sucks so bad.

Thank you all for your support and love.

nowheretorun · Feb 09, 2009, 10:26 PM

(((cantstop)))))) i feel so badly for you right now and feel your feelings with you, fear of so much, fear of the unknown and fear for the kids, home, health... its all wrapped up in their in your words, fears of th past, fears of the future...

i wish i could calm you now, and tell you that its all going to be ok... its not simple even tho it kinda is... you have to stick up for yourself but dont do something that you'll regret later... just one step at a time with it gets you there... dont forget to breathe kind one, you are worth every bit of care you are receiving here from all of us cause we know you matter and are important in your every move, every day... dont let any one make you think you have no rights and dont allow them to tell you that you are something you know you are not... it sounds like the team needs some growing time and im so sorry for you having to endure this...

cantstopcrying · Feb 09, 2009, 10:37 PM

Oh thank you so much! I really needed these calming words. If you don't mind I think I'll go browse your peaceful place for a while. I can't type very well right now, I'm shaking, so I'll go sit there.

nowheretorun · Feb 09, 2009, 10:40 PM

well, you put it there and i am more than glad to share

Sannah · Feb 10, 2009, 09:16 AM

CSC, so all of those old feelings are also coming back. Every single one of them when you stood before your mother..........

cantstopcrying · Feb 10, 2009, 09:23 AM

Yes, and I'm having hell's own time with that too. I was "made to apologize" now, so there will be no confrontation with her, but one with my manager. Now I'm the "naughty" one. Just like always. Silly me for expressing my needs in a positive and professional way.

Perna · Feb 10, 2009, 09:24 AM

It takes a lot of practice "remembering who you are" and what you want/need and allowing that before you can "argue" successfully. Think of the situation as a "problem" and you as customer service. Ask the idiot woman, "What do you want me to do? The FDA requires that this be done this way. . ." Just keep saying that over and over until she "hears" it and backs off.

I get angry and go off on my poor husband :-) and it's because I'm scared. People don't like getting in trouble/being wrong and will do whatever they can to get out of it? Feel "sorry" for her because she's wrong :-) If you can remove your personal self from the argument, it's not about you, but the situation, it is easier. Think about what the FDA requires or how you're glad you're not the one who is wrong, etc.

cantstopcrying · Feb 10, 2009, 09:34 AM

Thank you for your advice. I have said it's what the FDA requires until I'm blue in the face. Her response is, "I know, I know, but I can't do anything." (The practice manager is the one saying that). I am so frustrated. I feel just like I did when I wanted to go to a dance and my mom made me stand in front of her and show her I could dance because "everyone knows you have no rhythm"--it was total embarrassment and humilitation, I was a kid who wanted to go to a dance and hadn't done anything wrong. I'm an adult doing my job and haven't done anything wrong. It's total humiliation and anger. Anger and frustration and humilitation

Sannah · Feb 10, 2009, 09:42 AM

I think it would help if you could process all of this. Are you going to talk with your T about this? I think that when something like what happened to you with your mom happens that you get like "programmed" with it and it keeps happening because you fall into the same learned routine. I think that you can learn your way out of it too. It's like the setup occurs and it takes you right back to when you were a child. You are standing there like a child feeling all of those old feelings and you cannot break out of it - unless you process it so that when the set up occurs you don't get taken over by your feelings. You get taken over by your feelings and your brain shuts off, plus a 10 yr old cannot handle this stuff. You see, the 10 yr old got this unfair outcome because this is all that can be expected.