[Emily_Strange]

My boyfriend is ADHD, but remains undiagnosed.
[Whats interesting about his ADHD is that he was a premature baby, born at 5 months!...And his father smoked a lot of weed, haha.]

As he enters his early 20's, he has a host of issues:

1. It would be a compliment to say he writes at a middle school level. Based off what he has told me, professors see it as mostly unreadable and difficult to follow. Grammar, spelling, and organization of thoughts plague him. It's clear he needs a tutor.
2. He's a bit socially awkward, but not because he's too shy. He impulsively talks to strangers and may not realize they do not want to make friends. Another example is that he's "that guy" at the movie theater....He's a loud talker and laugh-er. His behavior does not reflect quieter surroundings, which makes it somewhat embarrassing to take him out.
3. He gets excited, yells, and goes on tangents. His thoughts jump from one to another.
4. He doesn't always take the time to pay attention to things I say. Usually they are unimportant things, but it still hurts sometimes.
5. His space is disorganized, his time management skills are lacking. His finances aren't in order...Though most people's aren't when they are still living with mom and dad.
6. Though I blame his mother for this, he has yet to accept responsibility for chores like laundry and cleaning his room. He is still very dependent.
7. Although he made it through training to be in the Marines reserves with sheer will power and hard work, it sounds like [based off the way his peers treat him, and how he views himself] he still struggles to do better than average despite an above-average effort.

It's not that he's a total dunce [though sometimes it feels like he is]...
He can be a fairly good test taker, which often makes up for his inability to write. When posed with an opportunity to talk about a history topic, or a new idea from philosophy class, he recites a host of memorized information in one run-on-sentence [often in one breath!]. He also has a rather high emotional intelligence, as demonstrated by his ability to keep a cool head and remind me of the big picture when I am stressed out by his ADHD. He's much more gentle and kind than I am...And strangely enough, "emotionally focused" when it comes to our relationship, per say.
These moments of refinement make me believe he isn't hopeless.

It's been difficult getting him to face the ADHD.
Him and his family are extremely poor. He probably cannot handle a part-time job while he is a full time student at a community college. Clearly this impacts his future ability to pay for meds, or a therapist. I doubt the community college has tutors that work specifically with ADHD. He refuses to see a shrink for pride's sake. He's worried a shrink will try to prescribe him medication, which in turn he's afraid will harm his dream of becoming an officer in the Marines. He wants to fight this battle alone, with the occasional assistance of professors and the writing center at the community college...People who generally don't know how to handle people with disabilities.

I don't feel like he's going to ever graduate community college at this rate.
After years of taking remedial courses, he's now 21 and still 3 semesters away from possibly graduating with less than a 3.0

What on earth should be happening here?
As a worried girlfriend, what can I do to help?

[(JD)]

You sound like a very caring GF.

First, unless you are a doctor, don't diagnose him. Have him talk with his MEDICAL Doctor about his issues of focus or problems in college... and seek help there (it could be a physical issue and not so much mental.)

You say he's poor but he's in college...
does he have a computer?... not judging just wondering because there are key studies that say playing games on computer, and indeed a lot of computer usage can create ADHD symptoms or make them much worse.

A poor diet nutritionally also will increase ADHD symptomology. If he is poor and not eating correctly then that's making his life even worse, and he may not even realize it.

You can help by urging him to see an MD, and by eating only healthy foods when you are with him (and maybe in life for yourself too )....

Good wishes.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by Emily_Strange

My boyfriend is ADHD, but remains undiagnosed.
[Whats interesting about his ADHD is that he was a premature baby, born at 5 months!...And his father smoked a lot of weed, haha.]

As he enters his early 20's, he has a host of issues:

1. It would be a compliment to say he writes at a middle school level. Based off what he has told me, professors see it as mostly unreadable and difficult to follow. Grammar, spelling, and organization of thoughts plague him. It's clear he needs a tutor.
2. He's a bit socially awkward, but not because he's too shy. He impulsively talks to strangers and may not realize they do not want to make friends. Another example is that he's "that guy" at the movie theater....He's a loud talker and laugh-er. His behavior does not reflect quieter surroundings, which makes it somewhat embarrassing to take him out.
3. He gets excited, yells, and goes on tangents. His thoughts jump from one to another.
4. He doesn't always take the time to pay attention to things I say. Usually they are unimportant things, but it still hurts sometimes.
5. His space is disorganized, his time management skills are lacking. His finances aren't in order...Though most people's aren't when they are still living with mom and dad.
6. Though I blame his mother for this, he has yet to accept responsibility for chores like laundry and cleaning his room. He is still very dependent.
7. Although he made it through training to be in the Marines reserves with sheer will power and hard work, it sounds like [based off the way his peers treat him, and how he views himself] he still struggles to do better than average despite an above-average effort.

It's not that he's a total dunce [though sometimes it feels like he is]...
He can be a fairly good test taker, which often makes up for his inability to write. When posed with an opportunity to talk about a history topic, or a new idea from philosophy class, he recites a host of memorized information in one run-on-sentence [often in one breath!]. He also has a rather high emotional intelligence, as demonstrated by his ability to keep a cool head and remind me of the big picture when I am stressed out by his ADHD. He's much more gentle and kind than I am...And strangely enough, "emotionally focused" when it comes to our relationship, per say.
These moments of refinement make me believe he isn't hopeless.

It's been difficult getting him to face the ADHD.
Him and his family are extremely poor. He probably cannot handle a part-time job while he is a full time student at a community college. Clearly this impacts his future ability to pay for meds, or a therapist. I doubt the community college has tutors that work specifically with ADHD. He refuses to see a shrink for pride's sake. He's worried a shrink will try to prescribe him medication, which in turn he's afraid will harm his dream of becoming an officer in the Marines. He wants to fight this battle alone, with the occasional assistance of professors and the writing center at the community college...People who generally don't know how to handle people with disabilities.

I don't feel like he's going to ever graduate community college at this rate.
After years of taking remedial courses, he's now 21 and still 3 semesters away from possibly graduating with less than a 3.0

What on earth should be happening here?
As a worried girlfriend, what can I do to help?

Yeah thats adhd and I would tell him to go to a doctor who works with adhd so he can start improving himself

[sarek]

ADHD is genetic. You have it or you don't. Lifestyle can effect the severity of his symptoms but they do not cause the ADHD or make it go away.

The only sure way to get this cleared up is getting a diagnosis from a qualified professional. I know that it is indeed possible to be in the US Navy with ADHD.

[Minah Byrd]

I am a psychiatrist and what you describe does indeed sound like ADHD. He does need to see a professional but most men wont due to pride, ignorance and denial. You can try to get him to take some quizzes, see if you can get a Connors rating scale...the gold standard. The book that got most people aware of adult ADHD was Driven To Distraction, which is good and could help, although I had issues with the book being a bit overzealous in diagnosing people with ADHD that might have other issues. The military will treat people with psych medications once they have passed basic training without them. Some people refuse to either give or take stimulants, which remain the most effective meds, but there are some other options that can help.