[chelledotcom]

Hi all!

My name is Michelle, I'm 26 years old, and I have been a diagnosed major depressive with a borderline personality for 15 years now. It was a very early diagnosis, I know, but I'm afraid that it was wrong. I started seeing a psych when my parents caught me cutting myself (started at 9, was busted doing it at 11), and I have been in and out of psych offices many times since. I have always been an exceptional student (grade-wise), and always been overweight (to the point that my weight is severely out of control as an adult).

It wasn't until the past couple of years that I began suspecting AD/HD as a possible cause, mainly because I already had a diagnosis, and because I attributed alot of my problems to my negative self image and weight (read: self loathing...I blamed myself for everything). Now, I am a senior in college, and I realize that my lifetime of not doing homework, or not studying and still being able to do well wasn't serving me very well. Now, I find that I can't concentrate on studying, and I have alot of trouble retaining things that I study. I have tried adderall and vyvanse (without a prescription, I know, Im not proud of it either), and they seem to help, though they don't seem to send me soaring through the roof like they do my friends who abuse it for fun. I realize that self-medication is a bad thing, and I am not an advocate for it (my mother has a long history of drug abuse, and I've seen how bad it can be. I have no interest in that for myself).

I have always been a daydreamer. Im bad about spacing out or drifting away from lectures, and I find that I am only able to listen if I am taking overly meticulous notes or even drawing while sitting in class. This hasn't always gone over well. There were periods of my life in all grades where I didn't do homework at all, which alternated with me doing homework to simply avoid getting in trouble. It took me forever to grasp math (which I promptly forgot after getting through my required courses), and now that Im taking a foreign language, I find that I forget basic grammar and vocab stuff that I thought I knew very well.

Im bad about misplacing things (which my hubby gets irritated at lol), and forgetting appointments and assignments (had to drop a course this semester because I missed a major assignment because I just plain forgot. And it was a big one!) I also have a short fuse, and I can get irritated at the littlest things. I've flown into rages and not realized it until Ive said something that I couldnt take back.

I recently saw a psych again to address these issues and because of my previous diagnosis, she prescribed prozac for mood stablization and welbutrin. It made my spacing out worse and my insomnia worse. My talking speed increased (friends accused me of being on speed lol) and my tendency toward anxiety as well. I took myself off of them and havent been back. Now Im looking for a psych who can test me for ad/hd.

Should I go to a new psych with a clean slate and not transfer my records and just start from scratch? I'm not looking for medicinal intervention, just treatment options that will help me to function better. Its making me crazy, to feel this out of control. Any advice, oh good people of Psych Central?

Thanks for reading.

Michelle

[unaluna]

Hi Michelle. My pdoc put me on Topamax, a mood stabilizer, and it stopped these mild seizures I have been having since childhood that I didn't realize WERE seizures. I once had one right on front of my pdoc, he goes what was that, I said, a shiver I get. It's kinda bass-ackwards, take the med, diagnose the disease, but WTH. Your zoning out all the time could be epilepsy. I currently am pretty stable with a little prozac and the topamax, and ambien to sleep. I was taking wellbutrin, but once I removed the stress of seeing my family, I was able - actually needed - to stop that med. Good luck with figuring out what is going on. I would say tell them what's been tried so far.

[luna22]

You must be doing something right if you are a senior in college. This a big accomplishment! I have many of the same characteristics that you have and I was not able to finish college. I am now 46 and I've recently gone back to school- I am 30 credits away from a BA. Anyway, as far as your education goes it sounds like you are nearly done- hang in there.

As far as your Dr- I would not start with a clean slate with a new DR. If you are unhappy with your current Dr find a new one but inform your new dr of what you have tried and what does not work. I think you will have a better chance of getting to a solution if your Dr knows what you've already been through.

Good luck to you!

[Luce]

Hi Michelle. I can relate to a lot of your school history and symptoms. I didn't suspect ADD in myself until my daughter was diganosed with it and I realised how similar we are.

I dropped out of high school after having been expelled from several schools. I am gifted, but could never do the work (like you I never handed in assignments or did homework, but always aced tests and exams). I found the courage to try university as an adult student many years later, but it was SO HARD. I did very well, but the procrastination and lack of focus, organization and time management caused me MAJOR MAJOR stress. I can not begin to tell you how hard it was (but maybe you know?). It was only after graduation that I began to start the testing process for ADD. How much easier my study would have been if I had known sooner!

I went to my family doctor and requested a referral for testing for ADD. I was sent to a psychiatrist who administered comprehensive psych / IQ / attention testing. I chose NOT to disclose my previous diagnoses, and trusted the tests to pick up whatever was currently relevant.

Like you I attributed many of my symptoms to a previous diagnosis, but now I realise they are the result of my ADD. It still saddens me how much my life was affected by this undiagnosed condition. What has helped me the most about getting diagnosed was knowing that I am not the way I am because I am a failure as a human being. I now hate myself much less and forgive myself more. I know my limitations and do my best to arrange my life so I don't constantly butt up against them.

I suggest you go get tested. As soon as you can. The worst that can happen is that it turns out you don't have it. The best is that it could change your whole perception of yourself, and lead you to new insights, understanding and coping strategies.