Thoughts, possibly triggering for some (advice?)

Hi again, good people!

Firstly, I just want to say that I love posting here because I'm secretly afraid that my friends and husband are super tired of hearing me go on about why I'm almost 100% sure that my problem is ADHD. Also, since having this epiphany, I have been researching nearly non-stop about every little problem I've had in my 26 years and seeing if there is a connection to ADHD, because, secretly, Im afraid that I will go to the doctor and they will tell me that its NOT ADHD.

I just read an article about women with ADHD and how much harder it is to diagnose in women because the symptoms are so closely related to other disorders and because young girls and women will adapt and hide their problems at such a young age. I was first put into the mental health system (treatments, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc) when I was 9 years old (in my recollection. My mom tells me I saw a psych when I was about 5 because of suspected molestation, but I blocked all that out) and I was immediately put on antidepressants (Zoloft first, then Lexapro, Welbutrin, etc). The Welbutrin helped the best, but I found out later that bupropion is used to treat ADHD, but it still never helped my concentration and impulses. Just my mood.

I've been a cutter since that age, and I could never figure out why I did it because I didn't feel the urge to hurt myself, and I hated the scars and the cleanup and the attention. The urge to do it would strike during some sort of emotional upheaval or hurt, and I would do it immediately without thinking (grab the nearest available edge), then immediately regret it. Its like the fact that I had crossed a line snapped me out of the chaotic thoughts in my head, but then I had a wound to tend. If I sat down with a blade and the intent to do it, I found that I never could. It hurt too much. I'm no longer a cutter. Its like when I realized that I never did it to actually hurt myself, I never did it again.

But I still have unmanageable and overwhelming moments of blinding rage. I hate it because it literally feels like there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Like there is steam building up inside of me and no way to let it out. Screaming, punching walls, pulling hair, biting, etc. are all way's Ive tried to relieve it, and all of which are unhealthy, and slightly scary. I definitely need anger management.

I was always the kid with the messy desk/room/house, etc, and now that Im grown and have a place with my husband, there will be days when I will look up and suddenly realize that the house is a DISASTER, and I will never realize when its happening. My hubby does nearly all of the house work, and when I do it, it only every gets half done. Like half the dishwasher will be loaded, and I will have left the room and forget what I was going for. Then forget to finish the dishes. I feel ridiculously lazy.

Also, Ive self medicated with food to the point that I've passed 350 pounds. And I was 150 pounds at age 6. 200 by age 8, etc. Read a study about dopamine/food/weight relationship and about how impulsive overeating is common for coping with ADHD because of the quick fix of happy chemicals.
I have an incredibly addictive personality. Food, cigarettes, substances...Though, with my moms history of bad substance abuse, I tend to stay away from drugs for the most part, because I dont want to be like her.

Although, I did try adderall, at first to get "high" (was given to me in a group of people, to "try") but it didnt really work that way for me, then later, as an experiement (I took it regimentally, low dose for about a week. Slept better, ate but not excessively, retained class information, aced a test) but I cant tell a doctor that and expect them to take me seriously and not think Im just looking for drugs. I dont intend to divulge that do them, but I also do not intend to take it if not prescribed, because, frankly, people who arent ADHD who take it to get high anger me because then people who need it to function get punished in a way because they put restrictions on release and there is a shortage of it in alot of areas. Like now.

So, I started writing this post at about 5:00 or so local time, and it is now 6:36, and I have made three phone calls, gotten up, settled down in two or three different spots, them come back and realized I never finished this and now I cant seem to stop writing. And I have 8 windows open in my browser at once. This is really frustrating.

Thanks for letting me rant again. No obligation to respond, since I know Ive repeated myself a few times, but I always appreciate feedback. And vindication. Sigh. I need help.

Michelle

i dont know much about adhd, but i am bored and reading any posts that dont have a lot of responses. what i do know is that it is something that is way overdiagnosed and medicated and often hard to diagnose. another thing i know is a sure fire way of knowing if you have adhd is to try the medication. if it speeds you up, gets you high, you DONT have adhd. if it works, if you can focus, get things done, etc, then you DO have adhd.

so i think the fact that you tried the med and it worked is a very important thing for the doctor to know. revealing that to the doctor on the other hand can be very difficult i can understand. i have been there. it is very hard. i was taking my sister's topomax to lose weight but found it really helped to stabilize my mood. she ran out so i had to reveal it to my pdoc so that i could get the drug prescribed to me. i have gone to so many different pdocs and it happened to be a new one and i told him it was a stash i had from one of my original pdocs and one day i just started taking it thinking it would help me and it did. so maybe you can say you know it wasnt wise, but you had a friend who was adhd with similar symptoms as you and she gave you a weeks worth of adderal to try, you were desperate for any relief so you did and it worked great.

i know taking other peoples meds is a bad thing to admit to a doc, but hell, i fall back on the logic that i am a mental patient for christs sake, you expect me to make good decisions when i am desperate to end the craziness?

just my two cents. i think it would be good for doc to know that bit of info. good luck to you.