[Seedling28]

Hi all, a number of issues with how I deal with pressing social problems have been brought to my attention (flaky though that attention is). I am wondering whether anyone here has also experienced these, or witnessed them, and if so, what may have helped.

When someone critizes me, calls me on an error or describes a problematic interaction with me, even if I asked them to, I do the following:

-Turn myself into the victim, by falling silent and looking really sad.
-Fail to make the distinction between *having* a problem and *being* a problem.
-Talk about my feelings about the issue, hypotheses for its origin within myself, and its history, rather than solutions.
-Go back and forth between freezing and panicking quietly, and throwing out all the ideas that come to mind without considering their appropriateness to the situation.
-Lack a verbal filter
-Mis-remember (or forget) interactions or phrasings in a very revisionist way that caters to my side of things. This also means I can't trust my judgment in interactions, which should make me humble and ask others what happened instead of trusting myself, but instead I get defensive and say, "But that's not what happened." Then when they prove that I'm mis-remembering, I get super sad and make all kinds of concessions that are martyrish (making a point of making concessions).
-

I know these do not comprise acting like an adult. This is petulant child behavior. All these are super hard for me to see while I'm doing them, due to that last one and a general feeling of bewilderment and helplessness ... which in itself is a defense mechanism (if I look confused and sad maybe they'll leave me alone). I guess what I'm looking for are ways to catch myself in this and stop it in its tracks, so the people I love don't have to.

Yours,
Ellen

Originally Posted by Seedling28

Hi all, a number of issues with how I deal with pressing social problems have been brought to my attention (flaky though that attention is). I am wondering whether anyone here has also experienced these, or witnessed them, and if so, what may have helped.

When someone critizes me, calls me on an error or describes a problematic interaction with me, even if I asked them to, I do the following:

-Turn myself into the victim, by falling silent and looking really sad.
-Fail to make the distinction between *having* a problem and *being* a problem.
-Talk about my feelings about the issue, hypotheses for its origin within myself, and its history, rather than solutions.
-Go back and forth between freezing and panicking quietly, and throwing out all the ideas that come to mind without considering their appropriateness to the situation.
-Lack a verbal filter
-Mis-remember (or forget) interactions or phrasings in a very revisionist way that caters to my side of things. This also means I can't trust my judgment in interactions, which should make me humble and ask others what happened instead of trusting myself, but instead I get defensive and say, "But that's not what happened." Then when they prove that I'm mis-remembering, I get super sad and make all kinds of concessions that are martyrish (making a point of making concessions).
-

I know these do not comprise acting like an adult. This is petulant child behavior. All these are super hard for me to see while I'm doing them, due to that last one and a general feeling of bewilderment and helplessness ... which in itself is a defense mechanism (if I look confused and sad maybe they'll leave me alone). I guess what I'm looking for are ways to catch myself in this and stop it in its tracks, so the people I love don't have to.

Yours,
Ellen

Many of these things you describe are familiar. I was not diagnosed with ADD until I was 43, about 4 years ago. Most of what you describe are coping skills we all have to develop because of how ADD affects our memory. ADD brains have real issues with short term memory, basically our short term memory moves to long term too quickly so we have "Cliffs Notes" version of things and there are holes. We don't see the holes and think others are wrong about things, so we disagree because we think are right.

I used to be real bad about shutting down, going silent during an argument because I usually had no idea I'd done something hurtful, then felt ashamed for not seeing it, again... So many moments like this, self esteem dropping each time. Arguing is normal because we cannot take being wrong, again... I was/am a master at explaining how things were not my fault.

Are you taking medications? Adderall has changed my life for the better, but the meds are only part of the solution. I've been reading books about ADD and posting here and on other sites for years. There is no quick solution, but the more familiar you are with the ADD symptoms, the sooner you can start learning new coping skills.

Welcome to PC. I hope you get some of the answers you are looking for.

[Maus5321]

I don't really have anything I can offer that will help out at this moment in time. I just started treatment about a month. So I am just trying fill myself out, see if I can find out where I am struggling at and where I can improve. It is definitely gonna be a slow long process. Just gonna have to read books and try to flood myself with whatever info I can. I recently have started taking adderall and the difference as been quite nice. Its only a tiny piece but it gives me the fighting chance I feel I have never had to get my ducks in a row and get my life going in the right direction piece by piece.

[kptclutch]

You've described me pretty accurately here. I've always wondered if these habits/coping mechanisms/self-discipline/self-pity habits are components of ADD or if they are the results of a rough childhood. I've always told myself that I'll grow out of it, but it's questionable at the age of 27.

Books I've been reading tell me that social skills can develop at any age, however, and can grow only through practice. My booklist is on my tablet at home, but I'll be happy to post them when I get home if your interested.

You're not alone on this, so don't give up!