[yellowfrog268]

Recently I've been riding this wave of positive change. Specifically, changes to the way I think of myself. Having grown up in the 80's with untreated ADHD I struggled with socialization, communication, and self acceptance. I grew up in an age when bullying wasn't a big deal. In fact, a lot of people thought that a bit of teasing was good, made you a little tougher. During the 80's and 90's I felt like such an outcast and failure. I experimented with drinking and drugs. For a while I experienced anorexia and bulimia. I was constantly unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. I wanted to fit in and find where I belonged. I made radical changes to my hair wrestling it into styles it was never meant to be in so I could fit in, visited tanning booths and beaches in order to change my complexion, and I made radical changes to my wardrobe on almost a monthly basis. Basically, I tried on many hats and none of them fit me well. I would often be told that I'm a chameleon.

Fast forward to today. I still struggle with communication and socialization. I still second guess myself. The difference is, I've accepted the fact that I'm a square peg who is expected to fit into a round hole. I am told that at 42 years old I shouldn't be wearing a crochet floppy hat, it isn't socially acceptable. I've been told that at 42 years old I should be in the process of climbing some career ladder, after all, retirement is right around the corner. I've also been told that at 42 years old I should possess charm, grace, and finesse. Well, guess what? I wear such hats because I like the way they look. I'm not climbing a career ladder simply because I get bored easily. And, sometimes, ok, most times, I lack finesse. I'm blunt, deal with it.

I've decided (for the most part) that the second half of my life is not going to be ruled by trying to fit in. Don't get me wrong, I still desire acceptance and I want to be liked but not if it comes at the expense of changing some part of who I am or "faking it in order to make it" as the saying goes.

I haven't quite figured out what's changed within me. Is it my age, the medications, or the social changes that have taken place from the 1980's till now? I'm only sad that such realizations couldn't have come to me sooner in life.

[ZehR]

Good to see that you're getting better. I've heard a saying by where when you're 18, you are self conscious about everyone around you. At age 40, you just don't give a **** about it anymore. Then when you hit around 60, you realize.. "No one cared in the first place and I was worrying about practically nothing".

I'm almost 18 and I don't care what others think but I'm different because I don't express myself as I don't have the desire to do it. I just throw what ever random clothes I have on in the closet.

Trust me that changing colours of anything is a common symptom of ADHD. I do it all the time and I'm never happy with the same colour for a long period of time.

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I like to think it's our growing maturity and wisdom.

Dear TravelingLady-

I am so happy that you have turned a corner and that you are doing so well! It sounds as if you have come to terms with being your own person and stopped worrying about what people think of your floppy hats-and all that it implies. So many of the normals always look so tired and gray, and who wants to fit into that? You have decided to be your own rainbow and I think that is fabulous.

At 42 you have discovered who you are and let go of all the years when you were bullied for being different. At 62, I am really just now discovering the same thing. I've allowwed an abusive childhood and abusive husbands convince me that I was never good enough and would never fit in anywhere. I can say with pride that for the first time in my life I love my body just the way it is and I really don't care if I don't fit anyone else's idea of physical perfection.

So wear your floppy hats, honey, and be your own rainbow.

(And kudo's to the youngster that already knows what it took us so long to learn!)

T&S