[ceramichornets]

Hello!

As the title says, I've recently been hired to tutor a girl approaching fourth or fifth grade. I was told that she doesn't know how to read or write, but it's pretty clear to me that she does. I think her main problem is that she is unable to sit still, gets distracted easily, doesn't understand how rules work/know how to act in a social setting, etc. I think she has all the tools she needs to learn, but she either doesn't know how to use them or doesn't want to, so I want to help her with that.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD in the past (although I think it was just a cross of my hyper-vigilance from PTSD and my hypomania from bipolar type 2) and I have friends who deal with it, so I know the signs. I've been reading a bunch of stuff, but I still have loads of questions.

1.) How do I find out what her strengths are? How do I use them to her full potential?

2.) How do I figure out what her preferred learning style is? Her parents drop her off at the library and all she wants to do is read Goosebumps and fool around, so I sort of have limited resources. What strategies can accompany this?

3.) What are some good study habits for her?

4.) I know she wants to take breaks and I should use lots of incentives, but if I even bring up the idea of it she becomes restless and outright refuses to do anything until she gets her reward first. I don't really know how to teach kids discipline.

Those are all of the questions I can think of for now. If it helps, she's really into horror books and is only afraid of heights when it's convenient for her to not focus on her studies (unfortunately, the kids section of the library is on the second floor and surrounded by views of the world below). I have a difficult time talking to her family because they're not too involved, and the girl persistently reminds me that I am not her first tutor and I will most certainly not be her last. She threatens me not to tell anyone about our too-frequent breaks and the snacks I can barely afford to buy her lest I be fired. I'm at a loss.

Thanks for reading and/or helping.

[Werewoman]

I have some experience with kids like her as I once worked in a kids day treatment program as a teachers assistant. I don't know how much I can help but I'll try. First and foremost, has this girl ever been seen by a psychiatrist? My first impression is that she is either very manipulative or may have something like oppositional defiant disorder. I am not a doctor or a teacher, so these are mere speculations on my part and I haven't actually been around her, but I think I can offer a few suggestions.

The first question, I really don't know how to answer except find creative ways to get her to try things that will give you insights to her strengths and weaknesses. I'm thinking along the lines of board games like scrabble, or chess or checkers. Uno or mancala are pretty good too. Such activities can tell you a lot about how she thinks, if she's honest, her level of patience, etc. All the things you need to learn about her in order to determine the areas she needs to work on, then work on those things so that you have a better idea of how to help her learn. It will also help you understand if she is a visual learner, which I'm sure you know makes a difference in how you approach her.

I also think before you can even begin to teach her anything, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that if she wants the reward, she has to do the work first. This is NOT easy, especially since you basically got off to a bad start, but it's still not too late to STAND YOUR GROUND. This is the hardest part. When I babysit my grandson, he thinks because his Gramz likes to play, that naptime is playtime, too. I have been know to tuck him into bed, which lasts for a few minutes, then he gets up and I put him back, then he gets up again, and I put him back. The first few times this went on for probably a half hour or so. Then he tried crying, then screaming and telling me he hated me. I ignored all of it and eventually he wore himself out, realized that Gramz was no pushover (well, except about ice cream, I always buy him ice cream, LOL) and he might as well just go to sleep. It took extreme patience on my part, and I have used similar methods with students and it has always worked - eventually.

The fact that this girl thinks she has power over you is the one thing you have to fix before you can proceed with anything else.

This fear of heights thing? You mean she refuses to go upstairs at the library because the kids books are on the second floor, if I understand correctly. That's simple, if she refuses to go upstairs, just sit down somewhere near the top where you can still see her, and wait. Again, the first time you may have to wait a while, but eventually she'll get the message. You have to take all the fun out of her refusals to cooperate by basically ignoring it and act as though you could care less how long it takes her to make up her mind to cooperate.

I have to say, I don't envy you. I've had chairs whipped at my head, called every name in the book, bitten, and stabbed. The hardest thing is not reacting. Sounds crazy I know, but it works. Kids like her don't know how to respond when adults don't yell and get mad at them. If a kid throws a chair at me, I just calmly tell them to pick it up and put it back where it was. It teaches them to trust you, that no matter how badly they behave, you won't walk away. Obviously she knows that adults will always walk away, because all her previous tutors have.

Hope this helps.

[ceramichornets]

Werewoman,

Thank you so much! This actually helped a ton. It's nice to know that at the end of a hard day there are people who understand my position.

To be honest, I'm pretty sure she's never seen a psychiatrist. At one point she told me she was dyslexic, and I asked her if her doctor gave her that diagnosis. Her reply was "You can see a doctor for that?" (she doesn't seem dyslexic btw but it's not like I'm an expert). She seems very manipulative and I want to talk to her family about it, but I have no idea how they'll react. For all I know, they'll get personally offended and fire me, thus keeping this girl from getting the educational help she needs.

Thanks for the ideas. I'm going to try Uno or Scrabble next time I see her, though I am apprehensive because I'm pretty convinced she'll make sure it's all she does while we're at the library. But I do think you're right in that it's influential towards her progress.

Ugh, I know what you mean. I tried really hard to be stern today. We worked on her sign language skills - she's not deaf but she really wants to learn - and I tried to teach her how to write at the level that's appropriate for her age and how to neaten her handwriting. The writing bit took over an hour to do! She kept wanting me to go buy her snacks, to go somewhere else in the library, kept distracting herself by swiveling around in the chair, etc. At one point she flat out hid underneath the table and firmly told me that no, she would not do any work and that I couldn't make her. She didn't start to behave until I said I would stop working with her indefinitely until she changed her attitude, but even that was a battle. I feel so war-torn. At one point, she even put a used band-aid on her worksheet so that I would have to throw it away. She is well-versed in avoidance.

No, she can get up to the second floor just fine, but she takes her time going up the stairs, crossing the bridge to the kids section, and riding elevators. One flight of stairs alone can take ten minutes. When she's in a hurry or excited, she goes through these obstacles without any problems. It's only when we have a plan for work in mind does she remember her fears. However, it helps if I hold her hand and talk her through the fears - then she clears up immediately.

I'm sorry you have to go through that. I expect to go through similar things soon; it turns out there are a lot of kids in my area with mental disorders who need tutoring. I'm supposed to have a trial day with a child with Aspergers in the next couple of weeks. If I can remain calm, stern, and still manage to help them, it'll be worth it. I want to be that one person that a kid knows will never walk away because things became difficult.

Thanks again for everything! It's much appreciated.

[Werewoman]

Glad I could help, if only a little.

When working with developmentally disabled children, you have days when you wonder what on God's Green Earth made you think it was a good idea. LOL! Then when your hard work and patience pays off, and the kid makes leaps and bounds in progress, you remember why you love it.

I once worked with a 6 year old autistic boy who couldn't speak a word. His main form of communication was screaming until someone figured out what he wanted. His occupational therapist suggested we try teaching him sign language, and it worked! If he wanted food, he could now ask for it. I left that job after a year to take another, but I will never forget the day he 'got it' and the grin on his face when it worked.

Good luck! Remember, I am not an expert on these things, but if you want, feel free to PM me anytime.

WW