I... discussed with my T... today... the taking over of my son's fianances.... and getting them straightened out... and then... gradually turning them over to him... my son 23....

My T.. who sees... both my son and me...agreed that this was a good plan....

It has been 6 years... and... it has been a nightmare... at least for me...

My son 23,, is bright.. gifted... responsible... and a wonderful person..
works hard... plays hard...

Yet... his finances... are...beyond...anything.. I cannot decribe... how many thousands of dollars he has gone thru.. at my expense..

So... would say.. I bailed him out too much...

Me... I haven't a clue anymore...

so.... I guess what I would like is some support...here... in this forum...

not to cause a debate on whether I should do this or not...

How... do you think I should go about discussing this with him?????
How... do I convince him this is most definitely... not an attempt at controlling him??? because I am the least controlling parent ever??

How do I do this... and not impact his self esteem???

I thinkt the contiunal failure on his part to... manage his fianaces...has a greater negrative impact.....

any help would be appreciated...

Thank you...

[Pita]

Hi Freewill,

I do not know if your son would look at it but there is a web site sponsored by the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants called: http://www.feedthepig.org/

It is a attempt by the institute to get regular people - not accounting types - to get control over their finances. It has hints, a calendar, and other strategies for money management. They have a monthly email newsletter and lots of info on the site.

My only concern is that if you offer to help him that he might think that means you pay his bills with your money. I have a friend who just let her 22 year old son move home so he couuld reduce his rent payment and be able to pay off the debt to credit cards and car payment he had racked up and pay his bills consistently. The deal was that he was supposed to give her a certain amount of money out of each pay check plus a token amount for rent and then she was going to put the money in an account for him and then they would sit down together and work on his bills. Well within short order, he is not paying his rent or money toward his bills and now all the threatening mail comes to her house and the calls so she ends up paying because she does not want him to continue to get behind.

The only other thing that I can suggest is for him to speak to one of the reputable credit counseling agencies and see if they can offer him any help.

But what do I know, I have only had dogs and cats - not kids.

[sunrise]

freewill, I think it is worth a try! You have tried letting him manage his own finances and it has not worked. Maybe this more hands-on approach will help him get on track. Just curious--what did you mean about "taking over your son's finances"? Is this an official legal action, or just a mom giving a son some informal help--managing his checkbook, making sure his paycheck goes into the bank, his rent is paid, etc.? It could be your son will resent this interference from mom, and that could actually be a good thing. It might kickstart him to take greater responsibility so that Mom doesn't have to step in and take over. Whatever way you can motivate him, go for it!

There are low cost courses in money management at junior colleges, community schools, parks departments, etc. Maybe son can take advantage so he can learn enough to take back the reins from Mom. I would think that would be very empowering.

Good luck to you and your son.

[Perna]

Maybe set a date 2-3 months in the future for a yard sale of his stuff in your garage if he hasn't made X, Y, and Z improvements :-)

I think... I'd have to borrow... the neighboor's yard too... lol..

thanks...

[InsaneMax]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
freewill said:
I... discussed with my T... today... the taking over of my son's fianances.... and getting them straightened out... and then... gradually turning them over to him... my son 23....

My T.. who sees... both my son and me...agreed that this was a good plan....

It has been 6 years... and... it has been a nightmare... at least for me...

My son 23,, is bright.. gifted... responsible... and a wonderful person..
works hard... plays hard...

Yet... his finances... are...beyond...anything.. I cannot decribe... how many thousands of dollars he has gone thru.. at my expense..

So... would say.. I bailed him out too much...

Me... I haven't a clue anymore...

so.... I guess what I would like is some support...here... in this forum...

not to cause a debate on whether I should do this or not...

How... do you think I should go about discussing this with him?????
How... do I convince him this is most definitely... not an attempt at controlling him??? because I am the least controlling parent ever??

How do I do this... and not impact his self esteem???

I thinkt the contiunal failure on his part to... manage his fianaces...has a greater negrative impact.....

any help would be appreciated...

Thank you...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Does he have ADHD diagnosed? You didn't say.

I'm sorry to say that legally you can't take over his finances as he is an adult. If he willingly hands control of his personal finances over to you, I don't think it would teach him much anyway, and would only make him completely reliant on you, which isn't healthy.

He obviously has respect for you though if he was open with you as his parent about his finances, so I wouldn't worry about him considering you controlling for showing concern. Maybe just try to show him and teach him better methods so that he doesn't end up broke and in debt.

Perhaps you can also encourage him to see a clinical psychologist to help curb his impulsiveness and other aspects of his life?

update... on my son....

My son was DXed with ADHD... at a young age.. and I have worked with him... finding ways... to live in this world.. during a time when schools.. were pretty bad...

Anyway.. since the original post... my son has seen my T.. for a few months... has now quit.. and my son and I have had some "frank" conversations on finances... all this helped..

And I have quit bailing him out... and he has taken charge.. of his life... yes.. he has problems from time to time... but.. it is like night and day.. from.. when we started...

He is taking the steps.. that he needs.. to control his finances.. he had to go thru some very painful lessons.. and I had to let him... that was hard for me.... believe me..

But.. he is so much more happier.. more confident.. YEA!!!!