It's embarrassing

It's embarrassing that I do so much better on my stims than without them. I quit taking my Vyvanse for 2-3 weeks due to the holiday break. I had some time off, got in the habit of sleeping in late, and I don't like to take the stims too late in the day, so I just didn't. After I'd been off a while, I tried once or twice taking a pill, but fairly late in the day and ended up staying up until the cows came home. So I didn't try that again and felt it was going to be hard coming onto the meds again so maybe I just wouldn't.

Anyway, yesterday, I decided I needed to start taking the Vyvanse again as I am back at work fulltime, I'm taking a course this quarter, I need to get up very early each day and get going, and I was getting nothing done and finding this whole new regimen really hard to handle. So I've been on back on the stims two days now, both times taking early in morning. My energy has been incredible. I'm thinking more clearly. I am getting tasks done. I am not falling asleep. The first day, I was alone in my office because my boss is out of town, and I took an hour out of my day and rearranged the entire floor-to-ceiling bookcase. I threw out old stuff we no longer needed, organized all the books into categories, labeled each shelf, and was able to make lots of room for stacks of books sitting on both my desk and my bosses. Gawd, it's so embarrassing to me that I did this the day I go back on the meds. We have been in this new office for 2 years now and never unpacked all of our old books and now suddenly, it is done. It's like a whirlwind passed through our office and left order in its wake. My boss is going to come back from vacation and wonder WTH happened in here. What should my answer be? "Ummm, the drugs made me do it."

My mood has also been better. I had the c**ppiest session with my therapist the other night. Then the next day, I take the meds, I'm feeling much better, more hopeful, anything is possible.

There is something inside of me that thinks if I only had enough willpower and would buckle down, I could do all these things on my own and not need the meds. Then I take them, and suddenly I am more functional, and it makes me feel so deficient I cannot do this on my own! (Or at least without great difficulty. It's not that I can't do it really, but that somehow it just never gets done. Like I don't have a role in it somehow.) Arrrghh.

It's not a question of willpower, but for some reason we like to beat ourselves up over things like that. Societal judgments are sometimes more ingrained than I like to believe. The thing is there isn't any basis for the willpower argument when it comes to ADHD.

I've been on stimulants a lot longer than you, so let me share my experience with time+stimulants:
The longer I am on the stimulants, the more I am able to cope when I am off of them. I have been on them for two years now, and some of the differences between being off stimulants then versus now, are striking.

The way you beat yourself up over not being "good enough" off of your meds is one of the reasons that ADHD should not just be treated with medication alone, but also with an ADHD experienced therapist. Especially us who discovered ADHD as adults.

We have enough challenges in this world without buying into how allegedly deficient we with ADHD are. Try to focus on all of the good things you are accomplishing... this is just the tip of the iceberg, really. Much more is to come. I have insight into ADHD thought processes and and behaviors that I didn't know existed last year. Try not to compare yourself with others either, as that isn't really accurate and fair, considering no one else has walked in your shoes or experienced your life from within the constraints you were born into.

I had the same experience this break. When off my Adderall for about 8 days, went back on and felt sooo much better. Expect for the first 2 day where I was a bit tired I had no real physical symptoms being off the med. However, while off I had trouble sleeping and I just could not stick with anything long enough to finish it. I went back on last week because it was crunch time, I had a few follow up med appointments and T. The last time I tried to do Twhile being off the med I really had trouble organizing my thoughts. I didn't want that after being on break.

Then I was out of town taking a few workshops this week and FORGOT my meds. Not good, sitting in boring lectures without medication, I was again bouncing off the wall. I'll be back into my regular med routine tomorrow and glad for it.

All my Docs seem to think ADHD meds could help me. But I have insomnia and I take Valium for panic and anxiety. How would that work out? Seems to be too much conflict between those meds. Plus....there's my weight...nag....nag....nag... 5'4.5" 94 lbs. Shalom, AnaHannah

AnaHannah, the first med I took to help with ADHD symptoms was wellbutrin, which is not a stimulant (I still take Wellbutrin plus a stimulant). I know other people who have taken Strattera, also not a stimulant. These may not help as many people with ADHD as the stimulant meds do, but they do help some people. So you could try one of those first and maybe get some benefit. They do not cause insomnia. I did not have insomnia before beginning on my stimulants, but I was not a good sleeper. I could not sleep for too many hours at one time so was always tired in the day. The stimulant, paradoxically, has helped me sleep more at night. But it can cause insomnia, especially if I take it too late in the day.

It seems like you are saying you are underweight? Can you work on that and get up to the weight you want? That might open up more meds options for you. Similarly, the anxiety.

Good luck.

I've also noticed a sleep benefit from my ADHD medication (Adderall). It doesn't make sense but then...taking a stimulant to help me chillout doesn't make much sense either.

I'd give you a double thanks for your post if I could Simcha.

I needed to hear this and everything you shared. Thank you .

Hi sunrise your post got me to reflecting about time to do a task.
I am trying to focus on renovating my bathroom . Its taking days . I get caught up in hyperfocus . like scrapping off the glue and old flooring .

then I walk out into the apartment where everythings placed in an already small crammed place and I look around I start to get that overwhelmed feeling the beat myself up and on and on.

I really do need to accept where I am but this comparing myself to others who don't have a brain like mine just isn't helping. I just wish I had the diagnosis so I could just grieve lost time for it not getting caught earlie and move on. I did make a move to see an eye doctor last week so Im hoping this motivates me to get my finacial screening done and then I can inquire at The university about the ADHD possibility . Im just scared to try again. Ive been through some pretty biased therapists about what all is wrong with me none of them even considered ADHD , but hello.. IM still struggling majorly. I'm needing to shake some poeple who keep putting me back in the box in my life as well.

Patricia

I don't doubt about the difficulties of sitting through lectures and being able to follow. From the start of my colledge carreer I just naturally figured out to tape all my lectures. I was the only one with a tape recorder . I still have to do it . My mind just wanders.

Now I know why.

Patricia

We are just beggining our journey into discovering Adult ADHD. My quest is to gain knowledge and understanding to help my boyfriend through it all. He is currently going through assesment and hopefully soon diagnosis so things can begin to feel progressive. As I read the information available he does exibit alot of the characterists described. He is not able to express himself and gets frustrated easily which in turn begins to wear on my patience. Simcha, you seem to have an objective perspective. How can I be helpful to him and show him a level of understanding; when I can't really understand what's happening to him and why he does certain things. Does ADHD commonly affect communication in close relationships?

I appreciate your insight,

Hopeful09

0-10 in no time flat huh? I used to break things... hurt people; even myself on accident. I haven't always been this great bastion of "wisdom"... LMAO j/k
Don't make me go into how I was arrested once...

BUT... now I am treated and in therapy.

Yes, ADHD untreated can wear on relationships, but we must remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work. However, one person can't do all the work either, so your boyfriend is going to have to meet you at least half-way. Hopefully with assessment and treatment he can do that.

The best things the diagnosed person and those who support a ADHD loved one are:

1) Get properly diagnosed
2) Treat co-morbid disorders (if any)
3) Get properly treated for ADHD with a combination of medication and talk therapy
4) Learn all that you can about ADHD
5) Be good to yourself.

I would also suggest that you make sure your taking care of YOURSELF too. Because you know, your worth it too.

Sorry I've been slow in responding.

((((((((Patricia)))))))))

I never recommend the university counseling or psychiatry as the proper place for an adult ADHD diagnosis. I look at it this way---I am NOT a cookie, so why do I need a cookie cutter diagnosis? Are we all carbon copies of each other anyway? In my personal experience, that is what I have found there. I don't find universities very accepting or kind places either; on the contrary, I find them completely lacking in empathy, which is absolutely vital for successful therapy.

Can you see a private therapist who has experience with diagnosing and treating ADULT ADHD? You need to address any co-morbid disorders as well. If you are a dependent student you can be on your parents insurance and get seen outside the university.

Hey, my first therapist didn't consider ADHD; neither did the psychiatrist I saw either. A good therapist will build on your strengths even though he validates your hardships and difficulties.

If you have Major Depressive Disorder or Dysthymic Disorder (Dysthymia), that's pretty normal for adults who have gone their entire life undiagnosed and/or untreated with ADHD. Anxiety disorders are a close second.
I really URGE you to take that extra step and make the appointment. There is ALWAYS hope on the horizon.

I am not an object. I will not be boxed up. It's against my very nature, and it's against yours as well. You were right to fight against the box.

Sorry so late in responding!

You are right about it being strange to take a stim to chill out, but it works for me. I posted a thread about taking adderall with out my doctors prescription (no no, dont think that, read my thread!!) and I have never in my life felt better.

I'm chill, super focused, in a grate mood and way more motivated than I have been in a long time.

--Sam

I guess our better sleep while on a stimulatant is just part of the crosswiring in our frontal lobe. Now if I could just get the connections straightened out in the limbic system, I be all good (not so evil ).

What meds are you on? I do know that both Abilfy and Strattera made me EVIL. I thought, I'd be better off fighting on my own than taking a med that makes me someone different!

picknurbrainrx, I'm on Adderall...I have no significant side-effects from this medication. My evil comment was in reference to some other psychological issues I'm presently dealing with.

I was on Strattera for a very brief time 2-3 weeks. I did not really notice any benefit or adverse effects from this medication. I don't think I took it long enough to have a measureable effect.

Wow, Chaotic! What are you taking? Is it high-dosage? I need that energy it gave you. I have fatigue, which I've had for years and I'm so distracted at times. I have so many things to do and they're all "calling" me to do them. Aaaaaaaaaggggghhh! My distractedness drives me crazy. Talk about competition in the brain...... Heh.

Wickedwings, I think you've hit on something important here. I'm on Adderall XR 30 mg. The interesting thing is... it doesn't give me an energy boost per se. Sure I feel a little tired when I forget to take it... but overall ENERGY has rarely been a limiting factor in my daily life. If anything I have TOOO much of it at times. LOL The main benefit I get from the Adderall is the ability to focus my energy. Its the distraction factor that significantly limits me. Adderall seems to provide me with the ability to direct the energy.