I'm not a doctor, but I'm almost positive my boyfriend has aspergers. My counselor was the one who put this idea in my head after all the complaining I've been doing for the past 6 months to him. He says that everything I've said points to aspergers.

Here's a list of things that supposedly point to my boyfriend:

Cannot commit in a relationship. He will date a woman for a few months & then suddenly break it off because he says he has intimacy issues. He did this to me after 3 months of dating & then 2 months later starting contacting me again so, now we're back to our strange distant relationship. He definitely has performance anxiety in the bedroom.

He is underemployed. He has a PhD & only works part time making 1/3 of the amount of money he could. He says this allows him to spend time on other things he enjoys more....BUT he doesn't really do anything except sit in the house & read or browse the net.

He is a loner. Spends most of his time alone in his house.

Never wants anyone to visit his house. I've never even been there. He always insists on coming to my place.

He has a problem using the telephone. Never answers it. Doesn't return phone calls or texts. Usually doesn't even carry his cell phone. Would rather communicate via Facebook or email. Is obsessed with the internet.

He has very little empathy. Has been called "mean" & "weird" because he will often blurt out things to people that would normally be considered rude.

Most people (friends, family, & new people around him) think he's "weird" or socially awkward. He is definitely quirky.

He often points out little things that I'd never even notice. For example, he pointed out 2 little spots on the ceiling in my house & asked me what they were. I had no idea what he was talking about, but he swore there were 2 spots on the ceiling that didn't belong there.

He will often focus on & argue things in conversations that most people would move past as being unimportant.

At times he seems anxious, nervous, or hyper. Has trouble with eye contact when we engage in conversation. He is very blunt when speaking to people, often coming off as rude in general.

There are many other things about him that point to aspergers based on the research that I've done, but it would take me all day to list them.

Basically, I'd like to mention this to my boyfriend, but I don't want to upset him or embarrass him if he is possibly hiding this disorder from people close to him.

Is there a way I can bring this up to him without causing an argument or should I just give up on him and move on to someone else? I truly love him and want our relationship to work. He says he will never committ to anyone due to his "intimacy issues", but I'm having a hard time giving up on him. I can't help but think that one day he will wake up and realize how much I love him and he will be with me the way I need him to be. He dated a friend of mine off and on for 3-4 years often causing her extreme heartache. She finally gave up & moved on. They have remained close friends & she tells me to forget about him because he will never change.

I'm so torn. He is a good man, has a great family (who also can't figure him out from what I'm told), & can be good to me when we're together.

[Omers]

IMO, find someone you can love and get your needs met with just the way they are. Doesn't mean you can't be friends or you have to be mean to him... but if commitment is not his thing (aspi or not) and it is something you desire than be kind to both of you and find someone who can offer that.
as for his behavior, yeh, it could be aspi, could be social anxiety, could be a lot of things. I wouldn't suggest he "is" something. If you want a label encourage him to talk with his Dr or a T but ultimately, if he is content it is his choice if he wants a label. IMO your counselor is out of line putting a label on someone they have not worked with.

[Michah]

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that people with AS do not have empathy. We do, but there is a difference in having empathy and being able to express it in a way that people understand. Most of the people I know, including myself, have empathy and compassion and usually sensitivities that are difficult to filter or control. It is all in the delivery. It is like a broken aerial trying to pick up a radio signal. If you cannot understand or pick up the 'signal', you cannot interpret it. I am not being critical, it just is how it is.

And Omers is right, AS or not, if this person is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, then you should consider the validity of the relationship.

Take care,

Michah

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by redpisces26

I'm not a doctor, but I'm almost positive my boyfriend has aspergers.
...
I'm so torn. He is a good man, has a great family (who also can't figure him out from what I'm told), & can be good to me when we're together.

I'm not a doctor, but it certainly looks like Asperger's to me.

One thing you don't mention: how does he feel? Is he depressed?