[123qwerty1891]

Hi

I'm a 20 year old woman with Asperger's and I'm just wondering if this happens to other people on the spectrum.

The problem is that my family, my aunt and grandmother in particular, disregard my wishes. To explain it further, when they want to take a particular course of action on an issue and I give my view on the issue they ignore or dismiss it. It's incredibly annoying and makes me feel like crap (more so when I give in to their choice of action), not to mention that some of their choices aren't the best.

An example of this is today I was told to take three rugs out for the hard rubbish collection. I mentioned that my aunt wanted to take one of the rugs for herself and that two of the three rugs were near new (and that I wanted to keep them for when I moved into my own place). What happened next is my grandmother told me to take them out (as if she didn't hear me) for the hard rubbish collection because she wants to make space for when they put new carpets in (which would probably take place in the next few years time). What I ended up doing was taking the rugs out like I was told.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me to help get my point to be considered or even listened to?

[Hellion]

That would be annoying, but yeah the only thing I can think of is maybe try and be more assertive....but that is much easier said than done. But I think lots of people with aspergers have trouble with assertiveness and others seem to take advantage of that sometimes. I've certainly had issues with that myself.

But yeah I either try to stand my ground and stick to it or my other solution is avoiding people who do that. Another issue I have is when i am trying to explain something to someone and they interrupt to go on their own way with the conversation and even accuse me of interrupting when they never let me finish what I was saying in the first place.

[-jimi-]

Normal people need to hear things more than once sometimes. We say something once and think it is enough and we open up for people getting away just by ignoring or them "forgetting" or whatnot. We usually only need to be told once so we think they are the same.

I think this happens to people regardless of whether or not they are on the spectrum. People rarely listen to me too and it feels like nobody cares what I have to say.

What others said about either avoiding these individuals or being more firm in your words is the best advice I can think of.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Yeah same here I also am 20yrs old, but I don't know whether or not Im on the spectrum, so for now I will say Iam not; but I have a huge issue with assertiveness and "putting my foot down" as in being firm when I need to the most. I will not go into detail as it is too complex of an issue to explain; but my grandparents neighbor whom I have known for since I was five had explained to me that I need to be more assertive with people regardless of whether or not I will hurt their feelings as said people will put me on a guilt trip. And it is my passiveness and and fear of guilt that stops me from truely getting what I want and or need from my family and what friends I do have. Nothing manipulative as I think they're the ones manipulating me, but regardless assertiveness and some agressiveness is one thing that needs to be learned in life and it can and will take some longer than others to learn that including myself and whether or not one is or isn't on the ASD sprectrum.

[-jimi-]

I'm a very assertive person. But I still make the mistake of only making my wish heard once. When one of my parents call me (and I'm an adult) they urge me to do this and that, nag nag nag, things that doesn't affect them. It sickens me.

I would never do that to other people out of respect. I told them once to stop it. I realize now, in their world you have to say NO as many times as they nag.

I don't WANT to do that. I don't want to be on their crappy level.

[123qwerty1891]

Thanks for all your advice and posts, it's much appreciated. I'm doing a pathology course at the moment and I've spoken to disability services at the uni about getting help with employment, so with luck I'll be able to move into my own place, somewhere on the other side of the city.

[midlifesearchjayne]

some times people are so busy thinking their own thoughts that you have to repeat your self and may-be get into a dialoge over wanting to do something different. Try to stay calm and put your point across firmly. Good look with your move.

[Perna]

If it is their stuff, their issues, they get to say what happens to it and what they want to do. We can give opinions and ask for things but unless we are prepared to take whatever when it becomes available, it can be imposing on others to make them keep it for us until we can. Your aunt has to be on the lookout for her own, ask for the rug when she wants it/before your grandmother wants to get rid of it. There will be other rugs :-)

I try to remember to only give my opinion on things that directly affect me, now.

[123qwerty1891]

Originally Posted by Perna

If it is their stuff, their issues, they get to say what happens to it and what they want to do. We can give opinions and ask for things but unless we are prepared to take whatever when it becomes available, it can be imposing on others to make them keep it for us until we can. Your aunt has to be on the lookout for her own, ask for the rug when she wants it/before your grandmother wants to get rid of it. There will be other rugs :-)

I try to remember to only give my opinion on things that directly affect me, now.

But the rugs do belong to me. They were in my father's house and after he died those rugs became mine (in accordance to his wishes). Since my Aunt asked for one of those rugs and I agreed to keep that rug for her, I am involved in this issue.

[Perna]

If they are your rugs, you have to care for them. Maybe your grandmother did not know that your father gave them to you; I would have said, "Those were my father's rugs and he gave them to me; I'm going to roll them up and store them in my room" (or up in the attic, down in the basement, garage?) Why did you not call your aunt (why is she not caring for her own rug and helping you with yours?) I would have agreed to get them out of your grandmother's way and asked where I could store them. But if you have no space of your own, then all bets are off. Your grandmother can arrange her house however she likes; not nice of her to not help you but that's the way things are.

What became of the rugs? I can't imagine wanting something as a 20 year old and throwing it out anyway. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else can do that as well as you can.

[-jimi-]

Perna, I don't think you understand this was an example and how I read it this was just one of many thing where the OP doesn't get listened to. Instead of saying WHY didn't you "just" do this and that, do you have any advice how to deal with the issue as a whole?

I know for a fact some people just run me over. I have to really protect myself against them, because they will simply never learn to listen to me. Sometimes when confronted, they have even said they WILL not accept what I say nor will they respect me, because they feel they have some kind of innate right treating me the way they prefer.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by jimrat

Sometimes when confronted, they have even said they WILL not accept what I say nor will they respect me, because they feel they have some kind of innate right treating me the way they prefer.

Other people do what other people do and treat you or me or anyone however they like. That's their prerogative. All we can control is ourselves, our own behavior. It is hard enough to understand ourselves and what we think and feel and how we would like to act without trying to get others to do things how we would like them to. All we control is what we want to do about what we think and feel is going on around us.

If someone does not respect you, you do not hang around with that someone (or, as I have done in work situations, you make yourself as scarce as you can when someone you do not like/who does not respect you is around).

No one else is in charge of making your wishes come true besides you. They have their own wishes (your grandmother wished the rugs put in the trash, for example). True, some people who love and like us and who we ask for help from might readily give it to us but there are no guarantees. We have to strive to be clear in our communications but people who ignore us, obviously do not like/respect us and we don't hang around those sorts of people or we're bound to get depressed and start to feel badly about ourselves if we're not careful. Yawns, smiles, good moods and bad are contagious; tests have verified those things as true; if you are around people who disrespect you, the only thing you can do, the best thing to do for yourself is go find those who do not.

[-jimi-]

As having autism, it's not particularly easy just to "find" new people to hang out with. Also, as being autistic, it can be hard sometimes to judge what is a real example of disrespect and when we assume it is disrespect because we might see most things "against" us as almost equally grave.