[TinyLittleIzzy]

I'm a super duper denier. Late last year I went through a lengthy evaluation for Asperger's. As a result, I was dubbed with Asperger's, Social Phobia and Major Depressive Disorder.

I know that I still tend to believe that I don't have Asperger's. I have mentioned it to my examiner she said that she didn't have a doubt in her mind. When I ask my therapist, I always get kindly asked, "Would you like to take a look at your report again?"

My results were so, supportive, that they would have diagnosed me as Autistic and not Asperger's, but they were lacking any historical information of my early development, which would have been required.

The idea that it is Asperger's is frightening. I have this tendency to think it's a personality disorder instead. Something else, anything else. An answer to my rather unusual behaviors was something I had been wanting for a long time, but it's like now that I have it, I don't like it.

I've typically been one who defers to professional observation, so me disagreeing is odd. I'm wonder if I'm still in a state of denial.

[Travelinglady]

I'm sure it wasn't a diagnosis you would have hoped for. So, maybe you are having some denial. However, when you come around to saying, "Okay, maybe I do have some of that," you can seek out a therapist who can help you with some skills and however it is that Asperger's is manifesting itself.

[Pandoren]

When I was diagnosed I didn't think I had it either... like you, I thought it was a personality disorder, although I didn't fit into any one disorder.

It seems you aren't going to win against the diagnosis now... Perhaps you can put it aside and just ask to work on the "symptoms" of your issues, whatever they are, and perhaps in the future once some of those are overcome, you might be able to overturn your diagnosis.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Thank you, Payne1 and Pandoren...

I actually have been seeing a therapist about this and some of my issues. I was introduced to them through the people who evaluated me and the therapist, in fact, is focused on Autism and Asperger's Syndrome.

One of my, supposed, major problems is, I tend to be a shut in. I've left the house twice this year so far. Once to get groceries and once to the pharmacist. Mainly, I'm busy writing, which is what I do. I'll write for as much as 30+ hours straight. I also have problems with forgetting to take care of myself as well.

One of the things about believing I have a personality disorder is, it just feels right. I also don't like feeling like I'm having this diagnosis used against me in discussions with my partner.

[Perna]

The Europeans have treated autism and asperger's as parts of the same continuum and now the US is adopting that thinking:

http://www.aboutourkids.org/families...rvasive_deve_1

Tell your partner how you feel and educate him about how you would like to be treated.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by Perna

The Europeans have treated autism and asperger's as parts of the same continuum and now the US is adopting that thinking:

<link>

Tell your partner how you feel and educate him about how you would like to be treated.

I know they're set to change things with the DSM-V and as I recall are removing Asperger's and having just one listing for the Autism spectrum as a whole.

Telling her how I feel would be easier if I didn't have issues explaining that as too often I have problems knowing myself. As well, she has been one of the most absolutely patient people I've ever been able to know, which makes things only so much easier.

I have a history of not really knowing what I'm thinking upstairs. Which doesn't me... Ever... O.o

[TinyLittleIzzy]

I had my first therapy session this year, I was avoiding it... Since then I went outside two more times as well, I needed to get groceries and medication for my partner.

I spoke to my therapist about my diagnosis and she went over it with me as well as my partner, as she came with me.

It seems, that from what she was saying, I do indeed fall within the spectrum, which I'm not really pleased about it.

Actually, I'm feeling extremely angry and bitter and since I write, I've been fighting to keep myself from killing characters off with my current project.

[-jimi-]

Fellow aspie writer? Well hello there!!

I have to warn you about something that I'm sure you do not want to hear, but maybe if you hear it from me then you can just laugh and shrug it off and not react the way I did.

I've been a fiction writer (although maybe not so successful...) since before I could even write, then I did it with pictures. After I learned to read and write I used words instead. At age 8 my teacher thought I was very talented. My JHS teacher thought so as well. Very supportive! I've always thought that is what I'm here to do, write. Maybe not only that but it has to be part somehow.

Before, when I hit a rough spot I explained that with being out of inspiration or ideas, tides will change. It will be fine.

Then enter the diagnosis of Asperger's. It was most welcome as I had thought about it prior and I had known at least a year before I was referred for the tests. It was nice to "know". To have words for something, that this was not just in my head. That I'm "different"...

Then... I realized all professionals and basically all my Asperger friends said that with AS you have limited imagination and creative writing is not possible. I did not react like I should have. I should have told them not to mess with something that was truly my nature. But did I? No.... They had been right about so many other things. So maybe they were right about this too..?

So the next time I hit a bump with my writing or when I had a hard time starting, I "realized" it was the AS. Us AS people cannot write. What had I deluded myself with? Who did I think I was? I analyzed the situation and my issues with writing and concluded that it was always AS that had gotten into the way, and my method of writing was Asperger like and not very creative....

Of course that was too much and I only made some lame attempts writing after that. I just couldn't see that I actually had a lot of good writing that I had done prior to "knowing" I couldn't do this. It was getting me down, I had no cause now. If my writing came out flat and boring, yea of course it did because that is how aspies write if they are stupid enough to try.... I still tried, I didn't fully give up, but every issue, every setback became proof of my inability.

It took me up to finding a loose knit group of aspie writers to realize I had bought into something that was incorrect. I indeed can write. I still don't know if I use a different "method" or what not, but I have the right to be inspired, to have ideas, to write, to provoke emotion.... I'm not a piece of boring cardboard, I can partake in the amazing world of creativity. I have still some work to do really believing this in full, that I can be what I was, with the reasons and emotions I once had. That later became "unreasonable" and "beyond my understanding".

So this is your fair warning. There ARE people in the profession, there are fellow aspies that claim aspies simply cannot create anything outside plain essay writing. They will give you all the "good" reason why you can't.

Don't buy into it! It's such bullcrap, most of the "normal" population is not creative and same with the aspie population, most are not creative. But those who are, are. Creativity spans across the lines of labels. It is a thing in itself. Some have it. Some don't.

OK, that was your warning. Be prepared for what is coming!

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by jimi...

Fellow aspie writer? Well hello there!!

(Buckets of good stuff.)

Hi hi, Jimi!

I've heard the belief that those with Asperger's aren't creative, and I fully believe what you say; being creative is just a gift all in itself. Though, it's even been something I've said to myself to justify my belief that I'm not.

Like you, I've been writing since I was very, very young. It's been the one thing to stick with me through most of my life, I've been writing for about 28 years. Actually, I see a lot of similarities.

Currently, I'm working on my 19th novel. I write, typically, high fantasy. Some times, over-the-top high fantasy and quite usually different from what I'm used to. I also have problems tempting fate with the occasional brush with the taboo in the process. In whatever case, if I'm writing it, it's some sort of fiction.

Though, an issue I have had with the diagnosis is how it feels like it clashes with my writing. I do well with my writing, I've been told this by people who have read it. My partner, begs for me to read to her when I've finished something or written out a few chapters. So, it's one of the things that's caused me to doubt.

For me, there's nothing going to stop me from writing, it's what I do. It's so integral to my being that, for me to stop would probably be a devastating choice. I'm compelled to, driven to.

My autism therapists have actually encouraged my writing and have encourage me to make a living out of it, in fact. I'm lucky in that regard. I also committed myself to start seeing my therapists again, because I haven't been.

I've been sort of staring at my report again since my last appointment last week. I'm trying to accept it, but it's been hard and quite simply, upsetting.

[avlady]

I hope you keep writing especially if you have the talent. i hope you don't let this get you down, you can obviously write if you've been writing all those years. Even if you never produce a book, it should be some sort of therapy for you. I would give anything to remember Engilsh and all the "rules for grammer" as I also would like to write . i used to write in a diary every day, but gave that up when life got too busy.Keep up the good work!

[Silent Void]

I maxed out the Asperger's test. Welcome to the club!

I was considered gifted in junior high and was supposed to skip a grade but I didn't because of bullying at the high school level.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by avlady

I hope you keep writing especially if you have the talent. i hope you don't let this get you down, you can obviously write if you've been writing all those years. Even if you never produce a book, it should be some sort of therapy for you. I would give anything to remember Engilsh and all the "rules for grammer" as I also would like to write . i used to write in a diary every day, but gave that up when life got too busy.Keep up the good work!

Thank you, for your kind words. I could never do diaries... I've tried. I think it sort of bores me. Same reason I can't do blogs or tweeting or social networking at all. Books, are so much easier for me. I still don't quiet understand why.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I maxed out the Asperger's test. Welcome to the club!

I was considered gifted in junior high and was supposed to skip a grade but I didn't because of bullying at the high school level.

I know in school I got bullied a lot, and I do mean a lot. For me it started with first grade, both times. My mother was upset that I wouldn't get into fights. The first time I was in first grade I had some sort of complete meltdown in the lunchroom; I was removed from school until the following year.

From that point on I was in put in special education classes for challenged students and was actually told that their were a lot of classes I wouldn't be allowed to take because, "they're a little too advanced for you someone like you."

I actually refused to study and do schoolwork because I was so completely bored. Even to this day, I argue that my education was gained outside of school, on my own, through my own pursuits.

I feel like I spent 11 years going to a place for about eight hours a day to do absolutely nothing; and by doing nothing, I got this little certificate saying I graduated High School. It was all a really bad joke and waste of time for me.

If it's not apparent, I'm actually rather bitter about it all, still... 17 years after it all ended.

[Silent Void]

What happened to you sucks. I understand why you're bitter. I'm the same way about being held back because of bullying.

What does that say about 1) the kids and 2) the staff?

These things should never happen. Kids should be protected and nurtured.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

What happened to you sucks. I understand why you're bitter. I'm the same way about being held back because of bullying.

What does that say about 1) the kids and 2) the staff?

These things should never happen. Kids should be protected and nurtured.

Agreed. Schools seem more like crowd control and incarceration preparation than anything else. Social experiments that are being funded and supplied by taxpayers. Alright, that's sort of conspiracy theory creepy... Or is it???

[Pandoren]

Originally Posted by TinyLittleIzzy

Thank you, for your kind words. I could never do diaries... I've tried. I think it sort of bores me. Same reason I can't do blogs or tweeting or social networking at all. Books, are so much easier for me. I still don't quiet understand why.

This made me laugh. I like writing, and people always suggest writing diaries or blogs or something for "ways to get back into writing" (because I struggle to do it now). Diaries and writing about myself are just not interesting, not least because I don't do anything interesting worth writing about. I keep a diary only so I can record what I did in a day otherwise I'll forget, but it is an infernal chore doing it.

I was bullied all through school as well. I was obviously different from the other children, although there were a couple of kids who were weird even by my standards.

I remember, in middle school, a piece of wisdom from a teacher when I reported being bullied: "Well, stay away from them then."
Yeah great lady, so what do I do considering they come and find me, eh?

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by Pandoren

This made me laugh. I like writing, and people always suggest writing diaries or blogs or something for "ways to get back into writing" (because I struggle to do it now). Diaries and writing about myself are just not interesting, not least because I don't do anything interesting worth writing about. I keep a diary only so I can record what I did in a day otherwise I'll forget, but it is an infernal chore doing it.

I was bullied all through school as well. I was obviously different from the other children, although there were a couple of kids who were weird even by my standards.

I remember, in middle school, a piece of wisdom from a teacher when I reported being bullied: "Well, stay away from them then."
Yeah great lady, so what do I do considering they come and find me, eh?

I'm glad I made you laugh, I hope it was a good laugh, I enjoy making people smile.

My life has to be the most boring story that could ever be written. I wake up, sometimes eat, sometimes don't. Sometimes I take trash out, cook, or clean. Sometimes, I hug the cat till she hates me (cats reset when you put them down after a short while.) Then I write, write, write, write! I can write as much as 16,000 words in a block of waking hours, sometimes I'll stay up 30+ straight, just writing.

If I tried to blog this... O.o Yeah, I think it would like watching the video from "The Ring". I was thinking about streaming my writing, as in writing live. That would be very, very, brave of me.

When people would bully me, I would seize up and just sit there.

I think I was by far, the weirdest kid in my school, I deserve a plaque. Yes, a plaque, perhaps a trophy... And a name plate for my desk.

[-jimi-]

I don't mind journaling, but it is not creative writing. People who say I should write for ME and for "therapy"... no offense but it would make me feel bad. It would be me telling me my writing is so bad no one else than me likes it. Then what is the point?

So even if I understand journaling it is a totally different animal.

[catsrhelm]

People might call me nuts, but I have a tendency to view autism as a learning disability. I would keep writing if I was you, especailly since you are talented enough to make a living out of it. I keep my writing to a journal, I confess.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by jimi...

I don't mind journaling, but it is not creative writing. People who say I should write for ME and for "therapy"... no offense but it would make me feel bad. It would be me telling me my writing is so bad no one else than me likes it. Then what is the point?

So even if I understand journaling it is a totally different animal.

If I try to journal, I fall asleep.

Now, I must say, I do write for me, but it's not therapy. I write the stories I like, I enjoy I want to read and experience. I know there are people who have liked my stuff, so I know it's not a just me sort of thing.

[TinyLittleIzzy]

Originally Posted by catsrhelm

People might call me nuts, but I have a tendency to view autism as a learning disability. I would keep writing if I was you, especailly since you are talented enough to make a living out of it. I keep my writing to a journal, I confess.

I can see that. I know though, that I have a perspective some people don't, that I think differently, approach things differently. Those are traits I've always known and learning has never been an issue, if I'm not bored, though that goes for most people I think.

During my first five years of elementary school, I did science projects for the science fairs, five years straight. Three of those, I was accused of cheating; that I had adults make them up for me.

I got my first computer when I was almost five. I started writing early, reading big book early. I was enabled in ways others may not have been and vice versa.

I have found if I want to learn a language, I have a way of doing it, with little effort, though I haven't applied myself to, yet. I actually did some software stuff, for a software company, only spending a week looking at the language used. I stopped because I was bored, though I could have kept doing it.

When it comes to interacting with others as well, I can get by, but the problem with that is it take soooo much of my energy to. I just can't maintain it.

So, perhaps, I'll admit, I have Asperger's. And yes, some see it as a learning disability, but it's only really a disability when I try to learn like other people learn, instead of learning things my way. When I do it my way, I find myself quite adept at learning; especially when I very dearly want to.

It's better to accept your diagnosis and work towards improving your life.

[Callista]

It helps most when you ditch those stupid ideas about disability meaning you're some kind of pitiful little thing, or at best inspirational success story. Fact is, disabled people are human beings with talents and dreams like anybody else, and quirky brains and/or bodies that take creativity to work with. That's all. Nothing inferior about it. Anybody tries to tell you that you're not worth as much as non-disabled people, you tell them to take a hike. Possibly with more profanity than that, if they're being annoying enough.

That said, if you have AS and anxiety disorder (especially social anxiety), please remember that a lot of your distress is coming from the anxiety disorder, not from the autism--and anxiety disorders are not hard-wired in the way autism is. Social phobia is something you learned at some point (perhaps quite early on), and thus is something you can unlearn. Focus on that, focus on the depression, find ways to manage those, and you'll probably find that dealing with the autism becomes just part of your normal everyday life.