[iamanders]

Many people with ASD talk about having problems with friendships. They often don't know with whom they should be friends. Neither do they seem to know how intimate (in a non-sexual way) they could be with somebody. Would that nice person even what to be their friend and then what kinnd of friend would that person be they may wonder. Many people with ASD can be very intellectual and even be able to write doctoral dissertations about friendship but still have problems with friendship. What should these people do? How can they learn the skills they need? How can neurotypical people help these intellectual people with ASD?

[gayleggg]

I would imagine this would be hard to learn these skill without, a caring support system. Practice takes time. I thing counseling would be a definite help with the learning people skills.

[Hellion]

hmm well I certainly have trouble in that area, but I am still able to make friends and get along with people I'd more consider acquaintances. Not really sure what anyone could really do to 'help' aside from introducing me to people(since its hard for me to initiate initial social interaction) also by being tolerant of the fact I have some differences due to being on the spectrum and just because I might be a bit unusual doesn't mean I am asking to be looked down on or picked on, I have dealt with a lot of that in my life especially going to public school as a kid. I also am always more or less learning in interactions things I can sometimes do better and what things other people might do that bother me and how to try and approach that sort of thing without conflict...but I doubt I will develop totally normal interaction abilities to the point of appearing neurotypical, though I don't feel there is any reason people on the spectrum should have to appear that way.

[artyaspie]

Originally Posted by iamanders

Many people with ASD talk about having problems with friendships. They often don't know with whom they should be friends. Neither do they seem to know how intimate (in a non-sexual way) they could be with somebody. Would that nice person even what to be their friend and then what kinnd of friend would that person be they may wonder. Many people with ASD can be very intellectual and even be able to write doctoral dissertations about friendship but still have problems with friendship. What should these people do? How can they learn the skills they need? How can neurotypical people help these intellectual people with ASD?

I would say friendship is always an area where ASD folk fall down a lot and get big, big bruises! But you learn that way, painfully and slowly. I am lucky to be an artist as all artists tend to be a bit wierd!

[eskielover]

I know that through 33 years of living with my H he was a nice guy & knew some nice things that were right to do..but if something came up that he hadn't been taught he was at a loss. There was never any emotional feelings in the marriage between us & any friends we had were people i knew.

Obviously he is now 62..& it has only been after I left him & some of the anger settled down that i have resrarched aspergers & it's the only thing that makes 100% sense out of all the issues..great he was good at math but nothing else. I saw personality & attitude issues back in 1975 before we got married but asprrgers wasn't dx'ed before 1994. There seemed like no way of getting through to him & when i left he said he never thought i would quit tolerating him. That pretty much summed up our marriage.

Remember it's a spectrum dx & everyone is at a different point with different strengths & weaknesses & abilities...but not sure there are any skills that can be taught when it comes to relationships.

He constantly had problems in his engineering career & constantly changed companies until it all caught up with him & no one would hire him. He managed to stay ahead of that for 20 years but was so limited in his ability there was no where for him to go with the reputation he created..that was becomming more obvious as the years went by also & he couldn't figure out how to deal with company politics & management.

It was like he stayed a child all his life especially when responsibility was required...& yet he is a nice person...that was what was so confusing.

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[CompleteNerd]

I like the way you said that - "fall down and get big big bruises. " Great analogy!

[CompleteNerd]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I know that through 33 years of living with my H he was a nice guy & knew some nice things that were right to do..but if something came up that he hadn't been taught he was at a loss. There was never any emotional feelings in the marriage between us & any friends we had were people i knew.

Obviously he is now 62..& it has only been after I left him & some of the anger settled down that i have resrarched aspergers & it's the only thing that makes 100% sense out of all the issues..great he was good at math but nothing else. I saw personality & attitude issues back in 1975 before we got married but asprrgers wasn't dx'ed before 1994. There seemed like no way of getting through to him & when i left he said he never thought i would quit tolerating him. That pretty much summed up our marriage.

Remember it's a spectrum dx & everyone is at a different point with different strengths & weaknesses & abilities...but not sure there are any skills that can be taught when it comes to relationships.

He constantly had problems in his engineering career & constantly changed companies until it all caught up with him & no one would hire him. He managed to stay ahead of that for 20 years but was so limited in his ability there was no where for him to go with the reputation he created..that was becomming more obvious as the years went by also & he couldn't figure out how to deal with company politics & management.

It was like he stayed a child all his life especially when responsibility was required...& yet he is a nice person...that was what was so confusing.

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I am very much like your husband.
I don't blame you for breaking up with him just as I don't blame my recent partner of 7 years. She had to leave me and I'm glad she found the strength to do it because our relationship - indeed our lives - became a living hell in continual debt after I lost my job. Not that we fought a lot but there was a lot of tension and sorrow and despair. My partner needed a lover, not a child. I am glad she found the strength and courage to break up with me because our relationship was hurting us both.
However we are still very good friends and we still care deeply for each other and go to the same church and have many mutual friends.
I don't know what your post-breakup relationship with your husband is like but I do wish well to you both and I hope you can still be kind to each other.

[artyaspie]

Originally Posted by CompleteNerd

I am very much like your husband.
I don't blame you for breaking up with him just as I don't blame my recent partner of 7 years. She had to leave me and I'm glad she found the strength to do it because our relationship - indeed our lives - became a living hell in continual debt after I lost my job. Not that we fought a lot but there was a lot of tension and sorrow and despair. My partner needed a lover, not a child. I am glad she found the strength and courage to break up with me because our relationship was hurting us both.
However we are still very good friends and we still care deeply for each other and go to the same church and have many mutual friends.
I don't know what your post-breakup relationship with your husband is like but I do wish well to you both and I hope you can still be kind to each other.

Really moved by your honesty here. Thing is, we never really grow up, do we? It must be so difficult for an NT to put up with the reality of this, day in day out! Kindness means a lot, though, and I think aspies make good friends as long as an understanding of our state of being is arrived at.

Twelve years of bullying and exclusion during my tenure in the public school system basically destroyed any friendship creating ability for me, as well as trust in other people. If I had a little bit of social skill, it was killed. Now that I am at university it is a little better, because I am now interacting with a different group or type of people than before, but it is still extremely hard for me to have any sort of proper interaction with anybody. To overcome this condition, I firmly believe that a person like me should have support from when you're very young, before schoolgoing age. Now at 25, I am who I am, my entire life is built on this AS foundation, it has shaped all the decisions I've ever made and it's extremely hard for me to change direction at this point because of all the commitments I have made and have to honour. I feel incredibly hopeless.

Thanks for your insight iamanders, you hit the nail right on the head. It's exactly like you say, people with AS, could write PhD on friendships and still not be able to apply the knowledge in their own life. The way I feel is like almost being an observer rather than a participant in life, other people live life and partake in friendships, love, relationships, etc. and someone like me simply watches from the sideline, not partaking myself. I can very brilliantly describe everything that other people are doing, I even understand it better than they might do themselves, but there's a barrier between knowing about it and doing it. It's so frustrating, because I know from my own experience that I understand human social dynamics very well, yet cannot apply it. I crave just friendship with someone, but my relationships with people remain surficial and empty .