[Biba_yu]

I am weird, I have always been weird. I was sent and voluntarily been to many psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists but it was always "depression & anxiety" as diagnosis, although I never thought I was really depressed. I actually never believed I was depressed, ever. But, I never had friends. That's weird. People would like me, because I am smart and I can be interesting, and they would seem like they want to be friends with me. I was always confused in relationships and interactions with people. I never ever recognize if someone likes me, hates me, or has any feeling, I am unaware of gestures, reading between lines, subtle things, I have to be told everything. Otherwise, I don't catch anything subtle. I am very emotional and empathetic but I don't know how and I don't like to show emotions, so I tend to look cold and aloof even though I am not. People who were my friends always left me without explanations or any word. Just left. On the other side, I find it hard to control my emotions, when I have them, I show them, and people also hate hate that. I know that is contradictory. I hate noises of any kind, even small, barely there, I react badly, very badly, especially to drills, firecrackers and other loud repetitive sudden noises, I had anger outbursts when I break things but I never hurt any living being. Just pillows, doors, cabinets and stuff. I have great difficulties to concentrate, I can barely read 3 sentences before I lose focus (I did finish college thou ). I feel like I have no idea how to fit in current society, like I was born without a manual that others have. I don't get interactions, conversations, relationships... I am lost.
At my age, 50, I have no single friend. I have also difficulties getting into love relationships. I've been told that I am "very cute", even now at my age, and that I am "attractive", I have a job, hobbies, I've been told I am interesting and even funny, and men tend to be attracted to me at first but then run away, like friends, no explanation. I have no idea why. Except that I am maybe too weird. I feel unfit in this world like everyone knows how to do social things and I don't, I find it incredibly exhausting to talk to anyone, except people in my family, closest to me. Even though I am natural loner, I do feel alone a lot. But no one likes me, and I am scared no one will ever tell me why, and why people always leave me.
I thought, maybe I am on spectrum, there are things that point to maybe Aspeger. But, how all those professionals I have visited missed that?

[Discombobulated]

Have you looked into an assessment specifically for autism? Ideally one that specialises in women.

I have read that autism has been under diagnosed in girls and women in the past because it presents differently to in boys and women. So it is possible to be missed by professionals.

[divine1966]

Asperger is a mild form of Autism Spectrum Disorder. In the US Asperger isn’t recognized as a diagnosis anymore. We can’t really diagnose online but based on my professional expertise you might be on a spectrum. But at the same time we can not say anything definite. So I recommend you keep seeking professional help. ASD is not easy to diagnose. So if it’s a mild form it’s understandable they avoid firm diagnosis

[Biba_yu]

I think in my country it is definitely not recpgnized unless it's "textbook cliche," of presentation. I have been to many professionals and neither even suggested it. I saw videos and articles with presentation of autism in women and found out that I feel the same more or less. I am also unable to lie. I am extremely sensotive to noise and socially I hsve terrible problems and cannot fit in. I am excellent at math but bad in life and conversations. I am often misunderstood and mostly unable to say what others feel ior think and interpret their signs and someti.es I can't control when I feel disturbed like with noise. On the other hand 50 years I "passed" as neurotypical.

[downandlonely]

I have most of the same symptoms you have, and I am 40. I was never diagnosed with autism, because it was very rarely diagnosed when I was a child (before 2000). Plus I have a high IQ and got good grades. I struggled a lot socially, but teachers never saw that. In the US, it is tough and expensive to get a diagnosis as an adult. I checked, and my insurance only pays for diagnosis in children.

However, I have been able to get support even without the formal diagnosis. There are virtual groups through Asperger / Autism Network (AANE) We are here for you! you might want to check out. I told them I didn't have the official diagnosis, and they still accepted me and let me join the groups. I'm in one now for women in mid life (40-60). I find it very comforting to listen to others with the same story I have.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I have most of the same symptoms you have, and I am 40. I was never diagnosed with autism, because it was very rarely diagnosed when I was a child (before 2000). Plus I have a high IQ and got good grades. I struggled a lot socially, but teachers never saw that. In the US, it is tough and expensive to get a diagnosis as an adult. I checked, and my insurance only pays for diagnosis in children.

However, I have been able to get support even without the formal diagnosis. There are virtual groups through Asperger / Autism Network (AANE) We are here for you! you might want to check out. I told them I didn't have the official diagnosis, and they still accepted me and let me join the groups. I'm in one now for women in mid life (40-60). I find it very comforting to listen to others with the same story I have.

It sucks. My insurance pays for all and any diagnosis at any age. My husband just started with a new psychiatrist and had to be rediagnosed as previous diagnosis by old psych was too old (not ASD but something else ). Since he wanted meds adjustment, new diagnosis was needed (or confirmed previous diagnosis). We didn’t pay a penny for diagnostics. It’s weird insurance would not pay

[unaluna]

I can relate to being good at math. It follows that you are good at logic. For many, the secret to a good marriage is IMHO being willing and able to buy into a crazy person's world view. Our logical math brain really restricts that. Why would you want to live life with blinders like a horse?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I can relate to being good at math. It follows that you are good at logic. For many, the secret to a good marriage is IMHO being willing and able to buy into a crazy person's world view. Our logical math brain really restricts that. Why would you want to live life with blinders like a horse?

Hahah i think the secret to good marriage is maybe not marry a person with crazy world views? Then you don’t have to buy into crazy stuff? I personally think most marriages that fail fail because of marrying wrong people.

I am good at math too plus I like it. I always find it funny that people praise themselves at being bad at math and hating math. Like it’s something honorable. People don’t typically brag about not being able to do other things. Just math. Not talking about people with legit learning disability here

[Discombobulated]

I did adult learner basic maths a few years ago because I had struggled so badly at school. I don’t exactly brag about being poor at maths, but I’m open about it, it’s not something I try to hide. In my adult classes it was so much better taught, and I was able to discuss with the teacher and she was skilled enough to see where I was going wrong.

OP I think it’s great you’re good at maths, it’s not necessarily an indication of autism though, plenty of autistic people aren’t as good at maths. If we suspect we have a condition there can be a temptation to explain away everything about ourselves when autistic people have their quirks same as anyone.

Do you feel a diagnosis is something you want or need? I’m asking this because I’m similar to you, and actually the same age too, but I haven’t pursued diagnosis yet.

[divine1966]

I agree that being good at math has absolutely nothing to do with Autism. In fact if you’ve met one person with autism then you only know one person with autism. Everyone is completely different. I think people have lots of misconceptions about autism. I heard some statements about ASD that made my hair stand up how ridiculous they were.

Having clear diagnosis helps with locating resources and getting treatment. But otherwise it’s ok to not have one

[autismexplorer]

Some online scoring assessments will give you a good indication of where you are.