[RichardBrooks]

I had an odd conversation with one of my managers last night at work. I have been having troubles for about the past year, and after some talks with my doctor and tests and monitoring, it appears my autism is progressing... something that isn't supposed to happen, but this is due to a history of concussions and a TBI. There's no way of knowing how much it will progress or how fast..


Anyway, I disclosed this to my manager, and he was very supportive and said they would make whatever accommodations I needed... He also said that he sees me as an inspiration, that my level of functioning is what he hopes for for his son, who is on the spectrum.


It was touching, but at the same time this is why I have such a problem with the term 'high-functioning'. He sees my performance at work, where I am focused, and the tasks and expectations are clearly defined. He doesn't see the struggle to connect with other people, people whom I can't understand and who can't understand me. He doesn't see the all pervading loneliness, the long stretches of days that I often go without talking to another human being unless it is about work. He doesn't see me curled up in the corner when I get home from work with the lights off and my arms around my shoulders, rocking back and forth, overwhelmed from playing this character I have to play in order to 'function'. He doesn't see the fear that even the slightest changes can cause... the fear that has made me distrustful of people I have known for years simply because they shaved their beard off or started dating someone new, and now they they are a different person in my eyes.


It has been three years since my diagnosis and one year since I disclosed it publicly... people know I am on the spectrum, but I am sometimes shocked how little even the ones that understand actually understand.

[runlola72]

I understand your frustration. My daughter was diagnosed as being high-functioning autistic at age 3, and I was so focused on getting services for her, I never stopped to wonder about myself. Both my daughter (now 15) and I have so many problems relating to other people, and we both deal with such pervasive loneliness and anxiety, and underachievement. It really is an invisible disability. And I totally understand the rocking in the corner thing. For me, it's under my covers with my toes intertwined, stiff as a board. I'm tired of acting this part as well. Do you have any autistic friends in real life?

[TwinVergil]

I can relate. I feel everyday is tough for me at work. I've just started going to a psychologist to know if I have autism as many suggest, but with all you wrote I can relate.

When kids in class start yelling or if too many try to check their homework and they surround me, I start feeling pressure or confused and feel the to move around to block the overwhelming, yet I can't and have to finish if I want things to go back to my control. I also take insults very personal. Sometimes kids are just making jokes or playing around, but I don't know where the limit line, I panic wondering that if it's something that requires a punishment and I don't apply it, I'll be doing a bad job... So I get very confused on what I should do.

The good thing is that I don't have a specific classroom, I give three classes per week to each classroom so I can cool off. But how I wish the principal or other teachers see that it can be very difficult for me to do those things and I try my very best to always perform a good class, yet they don't recognize or see this extra effort. Although, our old principal, just before leaving did call me to the office and told me he was very happy with my work. That cheered me up. I don't have a diagnosis obviously, and people tell me it isn't necessary, but if people knew about it, I'm pretty sure they would at least try to understand.