Can someone with Aspergers ever develop social charisma?

Sorry, I haven't looked at this thread in a while.

Cyllya, your post is probably the most helpful and informative I have seen. Thanks. I will say more later...

This is actually one of the Aspergers traits which I do not identify with. I actually find that I am very sensitive to social cues and good at "reading between the lines". However, this wasn't always the case. When I was in high school, I seemed to lack this ability and often took things literally and at face value. This caused me to get made fun of a lot. I am wondering if maybe that is my natural state and my current sensitivity to social cues is due to hypervigilance as a result of getting picked on when I was younger.

ADHD is actually another thing I have been thinking about. I was diagnosed with mild ADD as a kid, but my parents and doctor decided it wasn't bad enough for the side effects of the medication to be worth it (I am thinking they made a big mistake here).

So ADHD and Aspergers are related then? Do most people with Aspergers also have ADHD? I've been under the impression that it is common for people with Aspergers to have very good logical reasoning skills and be very good with numbers. This is another trait I do not identify with. I have always found that I am slow in math and things of the sort. Wouldn't ADHD typically impair logical reasoning skills though?

I have thought about stimulant medications in the past. However, I also do have social anxiety, and I am concerned about the possibility that stimulants could intensify it. Furthermore, my concern about anxiety medications is that they can impair my cognitive functioning. I guess this is why it is important to know if the root cause is cognitive problems or social anxiety. I am also wondering if they both need to be treated simultaneously and if that is possible.

These are all very thought out and logical responses and questions. These questions really should be directed to a professional for the best chance at a reliable diagnosis and answers

I don't think they're officially considered related, but researchers have noted the significant overlap in symptoms, so I think they're sloooowly catching on. (Here's a recent article on the connection, if you're curious.) Past versions of the DSM specified that autism-related conditions and ADHD couldn't be diagnosed together, and I believe the reason for that is that ADHD-like symptoms were considered inherent in autism (so diagnosing both would be redundant). That would mean autism essentially is ADHD + additional problems, yet the diagnostic criteria doesn't mention ADHD-like symptoms, and treatment research doesn't try to treat ADHD-like symptoms. Worse yet, some autism researchers specifically avoid treating autism with stimulants because they're afraid it'll make stereotypies worse, which is pretty much the stupidest thing ever. The DSM5 took out the dual-diagnosis restriction so that autistic folks aren't automatically barred from ADHD treatment.

ADHD doesn't normally impair logical reasoning, but some activities involving logical reasoning are impaired by ADHD symptoms.

Stimulants can cause or exacerbate anxiety, but many people with anxiety are able to use it without issue. For some people, it even reduces anxiety, because ADHD symptoms were contributing to anxiety. (My social anxiety has gone down since I started ADHD meds, but I think that's a coincidence.)

I thought a long time about responding to this. It seems to me the OP is asking more than just if it's possible to become more charismatic, but also wants to know how. As someone who has put a lot of though and effort into doing just that, I offer what I have learned over my super crazy life-- which means, by its very nature, this is not a short post.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my thirties, but I taught myself to be charismatic long ago. I was a military brat, so I moved around a lot; I was much smaller than my peers; and I was crazy smart. So I was always the new guy, always the little guy, and always the class nerd. Until I realized that whenever I went somewhere new... these people didn't know me. I could be whomever I chose.

Like I said, I wasn't diagnosed then, so I didn't know what stimming was... but I knew no one else twitched their fingers like they were playing air piano. I knew it was weird. So I decided to disguise it by twirling a guitar pick between my fingers. Why a guitar pick? No reason other than it just happened to be a guitar pick that I picked up one day. Suddenly I wasn't weird anymore. I was always playing with a guitar pick, so people assumed I played guitar, and just that assumption alone caused them to interpret my shyness for mysteriousness and my awkwardness for eccentricity.

But that wasn't the start of it... my learning charisma. People started to ask if I played guitar, and I told them I did not. And suddenly I was weird again. I mean, why constantly spin a guitar pick between your fingers if you don't play? So I decided to learn to play. I bought a Stella acoustic at a pawn shop for $20, figured out how to tune it, and played until my fingers hurt, then kept playing til it sounded not terrible. I practiced for hours each day. And I eventually got good. So now I could tell people who asked if played guitar that, yes, I indeed did. Which naturally led to me joining up with a couple of bands in high school.

I have a deep voice. Even when I was 11 or 12, people would call the house (no cell phones in those days) and mistake me for my father. When I was 15, my uncle called and for the first time in years recognized my voice. I asked him how he knew it was me and not my father, and he told me that my voice was deeper than his. So I was basically recruited by the theater department to do any role that required gravitas... I was Macbeth, King Lear, the great and powerful Oz... and I learned how to immerse myself in these roles, how to become a character. And when I went on stage with a band, I also became a character... I wasn't shy or awkward. I wasn't the nerd that blew the curve on the final. I wasn't a kid, or even a person... I was a rock god, my veins full of ichor and anarchy. Not just when I was playing or singing, but also when I introducing a song or another musician or trying to stir the audience into a frenzy... especially then. I was a matador deftly dancing with a beast that wanted to trample me into the dirt-- the crowd monster. I could never tame it; but if I could dodge its horns long enough, if I could hold back its attacks, if I could prove myself its better, well... I could channel its wildness, I could make it love me and bend it to my will.

And that is when I started to learn charisma... when I learned to become a character that people liked, admired, even envied a little bit.

I barely play anymore, let alone on stage or in public (but I do, however rarely, sometimes still get recognized), but I have, throughout my life, played other characters-- writer, teacher, politician, entrepreneur-- that required me to be charismatic, outgoing, and engaging, even though these things are contrary to my nature. And I have done each rather successfully.

Here are my tips:

1. Learn stage presence. Take a public speaking course; join a community theater; do some poetry reading or standup comedy or even karaoke. By all means, feel free to practice beforehand in front of a mirror or with friends or family. But don't wait until you think you are ready. Get up on that stage no matter how sweaty your palms are or what kind of acrobatic flips your stomach is doing. Because A) when you're on that stage, you aren't you; you are a character, and B) even if you bomb, you are one up on anyone who boos or laughs because you had the guts to get up there and try-- especially if you do blow it and try again.
2. Let yourself make mistakes. No one says or does the right thing all the time. Even people who always seem to say or do the right thing all the time don't say or do the right thing all the time. And that's okay. You tell a joke, and no one laughs; you accidentally insult someone; you think of just the thing to say in a conversation ten minutes after the conversation is over... you know what that makes you? Human. If no one laughs at your joke, make a joke about it ("Wow. Seriously? Nobody? Good thing I didn't tell the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi. That one's way worse.") If you accidentally insult or offend someone, apologize. It's that simple. The main thing is, don't isolate for fear of making a mistake. Go ahead and make those mistakes. At worst, you learn from them. At best, people will find it your genuineness endearing. (Really. A coworker once introduced me to a woman. As I shook her hand, he told me she was a cop. "Well," I said, "that explains your manly grip." She had a strong grip, sure, but not the best compliment I could have given her even if my stupid brain had not settled on the word 'manly'. "Um, yeah, he's a little autistic," my coworker told the woman-- who was actually still smiling. Then he turns to me and says, "Don't worry, she's cool. She's just like one of the guys, except with double D's." I gave her an appraising look and said, "hmm... well, more like a full C, but I get the point." She and I are friends to this day.)
3. Practice open posture. Want to be the big man on campus? Make yourself big. Head high. Shoulders back. Arms open. Palms out. And smile. Not a big toothy terminator grin, a genuine smile, one you do more with your eyes than your mouth. Smile like you've just spotted a friend you haven't seen in a while.
4. Slow down. I'm going to guess that you don't so much walk as speed-walk when you're in public. Probably with your head down and your hands in your pockets. Maybe you don't, but this is something socially awkward people tend to do. Because being in public isn't comfortable, and we want it to be over as quickly as possible, and why are there so many people here, and why are they all in my way, and I bet they're all staring at me (are they all staring at me?) like they can see how socially awkward I am? Yeah. That's the old me. That's still me in my natural state. But not when I'm in character. Not when I'm on. In addition to open posture, learn to walk with the kind of easy confidence that exudes charisma. And that means slowing down. Don't speed-walk, just walk. Hell, don't even walk; strut. If someone makes eye contact with you, give them a wink or a nod, or even a casual "how ya doin'?". Stroll leisurely through life. People are more at ease around people who are at ease than those who are just in a rush to be anywhere else. And once you've slowed down, take the time to...
5. Compliment at least one random person each day. This is actually amazing. I started doing this a while back, and now I can barely go anywhere without people greeting me and engaging me in conversation. I get discounts at a lot of place I shop and eat. I've gotten free deserts at restaurants, landed business opportunities, and even had one woman try to set me up on a date with her daughter. All because I paid people genuine compliments... which made an immediate personal connection. The key is the compliment must be genuine... The woman that thought her daughter should date me? She always has music playing while she's working, and she has a great ear for music... overhearing it just lifts me up when its the end of the day and I'm stopping in the store to pick up a few things I just have to get on my way home. The discount at the sushi restaurant? Best dragon roll I've ever had. Ever. And I made sure to tell the the waitress so... Turned out it's a family operation, and her mother not only made that dragon roll, but also owns the place. (And I make up for the discount by tipping heavy.) The magic of complimenting people is that it's not only good practice for building charisma; it is actually (when you do it in addition to tips 3 and 4) putting jedi master level charisma into practice, and you can start doing this now. People like to be liked. When you pay them a genuine compliment, they automatically like you. When people like you, you naturally connect with them easier and become more relaxed around them, and when you're relaxed and connected, you are naturally more charismatic.
6. Play the character you want to be. A lot of what holds us back (in all aspects of life) is our self perception. If you have a perception of yourself as socially awkward, that's what you will be. Your perception may be based on a thousand mistakes you've made in social situations, or having actually been called socially awkward, or just feeling like your guts are tied in knots when you are talking to someone, but it is still just a perception. The thing is, it does tend to be self reinforcing. The way to subvert this is not to change your self perception... well, it is, but that's almost impossible to do rapidly, so what you need to do is be someone else, someone who isn't socially awkward. Someone who is relaxed and confident, who exudes charisma and power. And where does that power and confidence come from? Pretend you know a secret about each person in the room. Because you do. And the secret is: deep down, everyone else is just as awkward as you. Seriously, this is the root of charisma, realizing that we're all awkward, and we're all terrified that everyone is gonna find out, and it is your job to put people at ease.

There are many other things I could add, but these are the major ones. Let me emphasize that when I talk about playing a character, I don't mean act like a specific movie or TV character, or act like someone you aren't. Authenticity is a big part of charisma. I mean you should act like the you you want to be. A calm, confident you. A charismatic you. You can watch youtube videos and read self help books all day long, but you can only really learn charisma through practice. No one was born a social maven; some people learn quickly, while some of us could spend our whole lives trying to figure it out and get nowhere. We all play various roles as we go through our days and our lives. Whether at work, school, the gym, the beach, church, skydiving, in traffic court, at a family reunion, whatever... we dress the part and act the part. So why not go for the leading role?

By the way, that priest minister rabbi joke goes like this: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What the hell is this, a joke?"