[Kimmisc]

I am a single 43 yr old female. I've never been married and never had children.
I was a registered radiologic technologist for 13 yrs. I am still registered, but no longer working in the field. I have problems maintaining jobs due to inappropriate behaviors which I don't see as inappropriate. It makes me question my sanity, and what's wrong with me, all the time.

My Autistic Traits
Social:
I am told I march to the beat of my own drum.
I'm told I'm weird.
I get in trouble for behaving inappropriately, but I honestly don't understand why.
I have trouble keeping a job, despite being a very hard worker with focus on details and technical perfection. Doctors love me, bosses hate me.
I was fired from my first radiology job (of 5 years) for putting my hand over a screaming patient’s mouth and saying “shhhhhhhh" in her ear.
I was fired from my second radiology job (of 12 years) for walking past a patient who got out of his wheelchair to puke in his bucket on his knees, on the floor. I'd walked about 10 ft past him to grab xray cassettes before entering his exam room. (I had reported my director to JCAHO for a violation 2 months prior.)
I've only ever been hired based on clinical performance, and never after a job interview.
I am socially awkward.
Coworkers think I have OCD because I'm very organized and get frustrated if anyone messes up my organized office.
Despite going to college twice, and nearly completing my BS in software engineering, maintaining a solid 4.0 GPA in every class, I'm currently working in a grocery store as a scan coordinator, for $11.40/hr. (I quit with 5 classes left because I got sick with cancer.)
I turned down a request to interview for a promotion because I'm scared to be interviewed again.
I am very literal, and people think I am rude. I don't have malicious intent. I always feel misunderstood. Example from childhood: I left the backyard gate open… forgot about it and our dogs ran out. My dad asked, “know what the gate is for?” I answered, “to go in and out of.” Then he slapped my face. The answer he was looking for was, “to keep the dogs in.” In my mind, the fence keeps dogs in, and the gate is for entering and exiting the fence. I'd forgotten I left the gate open.
I've been told I say things that others think but would never say aloud.
Lies, big or small, infuriate me. I can't lie and can't stand to witness someone lying.
When people act like they like me more than they really do, I feel betrayed and tricked because I've usually told them personal things about me. I trust people who I shouldn't. I can't tell if someone likes me or they're just being polite. I feel politeness is sometimes misleading, like a lie. I prefer honesty, even if it hurts.
I am straightforward if I don't want to talk to someone anymore, and I feel I am doing them a favor by being honest instead of leading them on. It's how I want to be treated.
I am 43, single, never been married, and have no children.
I have no friends that I socialize with outside of work.
People complain that I talk too loud.
People think I'm yelling when I don't feel that I am.

Sensory:
I find some sounds intolerable. I have misophonia, but some loud sounds are intolerable in a different way. They make me feel anxious and they seem ear piercing to me but not to others around me.
My work clothes always feel uncomfortable, and I am constantly shifting and adjusting my bra, shirt, smock, and my feet in my shoes.
Repetitive sounds and movements bother me a lot. I can't sit near my mom because she kicks her foot constantly.
I hate getting anything on my hands or feet. I wash my hands a lot while cooking, or I wear exam gloves.
I am always stressed about the future and fear of ending up homeless. I've had suicidal thoughts, especially when I'm reprimanded for being difficult to work with. I feel like I'm seen as a monster while I think I am trying my best to be perfect in every way. I never feel safe and secure in my life. I feel incapable of succeeding.
I am very bothered by the smell of smoke when neighbors burn fireplaces or yard debris. I reported a neighbor burning yard debris unattended just because I couldn't tolerate the smell.
Stimming: I twist my hair and bite and peel my lips all the time, but I don't know if I'd consider those habits to be autistic stimming. I don’t know what sets normal habits apart from autistic behaviors.

There is more, surely, but I am anxious to get this posted for feedback asap. I have long wondered why I don't succeed at a level matching my efforts. Maintaing a 4.0 GPA during my 2nd time in college wasn't due to special talents or giftedness. It was due solely to how hard I work to be perfect in every way. I worked all day everyday just on my studies. My point is, if I'm this invested in improving myself, why can't I improve my behaviors enough to maintain an unskilled labor job, let alone one matching my skill level? I feel like I’m incapable.

[eclairparty98]

Tragically, not everyone - especially employers, sometimes - can understand how autism affects people or what it actually is. You're not incapable, you are clearly a smart, articulate, mindful deep thinker. I'm sorry about all the difficulties associated with work If only people were more understanding and patient.

I'm not really sure what to suggest except find an employer who understands your triggers/sensory/difficulties etc. That way, maybe they can patiently assist you in ''improving''? Also, consider a therapist who can help you reduce these traits that might have an impact on your work - maybe that could help?

Best wishes

Well, we of course can't say yes or no to you having autism spectrum disorder for sure, but based on my experiences with people who have been diagnosed with it (two family members, one close friend, and one co-worker), a lot of what you describe here fits some of the classic behaviors. Have you talked to doctors about this?

Even if it doesn't come down to an actual diagnosis of ASD, it sounds like you've gone through life frustratingly misunderstood. This is a good place to keep venting those frustrations, if you need to.