Another disorder to share with my wife...

My wife and I just "celebrated" 27 years together this February. And she has just recently found out how disturbed I have been all these years. She has known about a lot of my past including a very terrible childhood. But I don't think that she knew just how much my problems have affected me and our relationship over the years until recently. I am afraid that the overload of all the labels that are being affixed to me by the mental health people are going to drive her away.
She has just realized this past week just how bad things are with me since I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and depression. She got to hear things like Bipolar and AvPD to describe why I have acted the way I have as long as she has known me (and before).
She comes from a "normal" household and close family, and just doesn't understand these things. I sometimes think that she doesn't want to understand them or worse, deal with them. I don't blame her. I am considering ending the relationship so that she can move on and find someone that isn't so messed up. She can enjoy her life, and I can be miserable by myself and not affect/infect her anymore or anyone else for that matter.
I am seeing a therapist starting this Friday, have already been put on Depakote, and am hoping that something can make things better. (The Depakote has helped to stabilize my mood swings I think, but has done nothing for the depression).Though I have little hope of that since I have been through all of this psych stuff before and it got me nowhere in the past except drugged and hospitalized with the same problems haunting me.
As messed up as I am, I have tried and tried to connect to people the best way I know how. And have failed miserably at every turn.
How could that be when I have been in a relationship for 27 years? Because she is a sweetheart that wouldn't hurt a fly and doesn't want to hurt my feelings or face the facts that I am a burden to her and her dreams. That's how. I don't think it is anymore unbelievable than a person that stays with a drunk or a physically abusive person for that many years or more. People hang on to others all the time that just don't make good sense.
I am rambling now. I will post this this time. I have deleted a couple times already. I guess I will never know just how much things can change if I don't try. I do believe that I must step outside of my comfort zone for that to happen, btw.

Hello, Hossenfaus. You are in my thoughts and I wish you well.

Thanks for the kind words, TheByzantine.

I'm sorry you have so much pain to deal with.
It's understandable for your wife to have trouble dealing with or understanding or wanting to understand these things. My husband grew up in a fairly normal, stable emotional environment too and hasn't had to deal with traumatic memories or mood disorders or mental issues in his family or for himself, so it's difficult for him to really relate to my struggles, my pain, my troubles with my thoughts and moods. It's hard for him to take in.Even though he doesn't understand, he wants to try though, and he wants to support me and stand with me and keep loving me. I get the impression your wife loves you and wants to stand with you too and support you....maybe you aren't as much of a burden to her as you feel!
One thing that helped my husband see things better was to come with me to a therapy session and my T was a huge help in explaining some things to him. It was a painful shock for him to see parts of me, to see a greater extent of my pain and my mental/emotional struggles than he had seen or suspected, but he said it was worth it to gain more understanding. He's been more gentle and supportive since....
Maybe something like this would help you and your wife in your situation too.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and offering you support and care!

I appreciate your support and care, PoetGirl.
Thanks for the advice about getting my wife to see my T as well. She saw her once, the day I was admitted to the hospital a week ago. (Didn't know at that time that she would be my T in the future). I go back to see her tomorrow, but I think my wife plans on being elsewhere on Friday.
I talked to her yesterday about a lot of things. One of them was about her sister (now deceased from a botched heart surgery), that left her husband and married someone else because her husband of like 30 years suffered from many of the problems that I and many of us do. He didn't want to go out with her on the town, and she wanted that more than her marriage so she divorced him and married someone that liked to go out and spend money. The kicker is that my wife during the time that her sister had left her husband said that she understood her sister wanting a man that would make her happy. And she thought it was okay that her sister left her husband to be happy. This devastated the ex-husband and drove him deeper into depression. About a week after my wife's sister died from the heart surgery her ex-husband killed himself. Even though she fully supported the idea of her sister leaving her husband, she said that she has no intention of doing that to me. But then she also has a way of saying things and not following through with them and then doing damage control afterward. Rather than just being honest up front about things.
So, I asked her why her situation with me is any different. Her answer didn't make me feel any better. She said that she has thought about leaving me before, but always thinks about the way I was brought up and the things that I have been through and then tries to overlook my faults based on that. I don't think pity is a good reason to devote your life to someone...
I am trying to see things from a positive light. It is just really hard with all that is going on in the world and on a smaller scale, in my life. I just don't see it changing for the better, but firmly believe that things will be better in the next life and so badly wish to be there without a lot more delay.
Going to go watch a movie now or sleep some more. I couldn't sleep for weeks, now all I want to do is sleep...
Take care of yourself, Poet.

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now I also have bipolar and I have been diagnosed with Avoidant PD, but I don't know if I really have it (I definitely have PTSD and anxiety, though). It's hard for most people to understand my situation. My boyfriend also has mental illness problems and so do a lot of his family members, so it's easier for him to understand. I hope things improve for you and your wife.

Thanks, Unico. I hope that things get better as well. I had a good session with my T on Friday and will be starting group sessions this Monday. At least try it. I am not thinking that I will last as I don't do well in groups. I can handle it for a few minutes and then I get really nervous and have to get out of the room.
I hope that you and your boyfriend can get the help that you both need as well, and that knowing and sharing the things that you have will only make your relationship stronger in the end.
Peace