My intro post

Ok, I really don’t know how or where to start so I’m just going to start spouting **** as it hits me. I apologize if it is choppy and long and hard to read but I think this is the only way I’m going to get this out.
I think the first time I really realized something is seriously wrong with me now and I can’t ignore it, was when I started have the negative symptoms after a gradual but intense decline in my mentation. I was flat, dull, numb, empty, devoid. And then I realized that not only was I blunted but I was seriously depersonalizing. I was going into defense mode. I was freakin, as usual. Once I realized it I took the max dose of my as needed medication when I normally try to use it as little as possible. And it felt better. It really helped. I could tell a difference that I really liked. For the first time a med is actually doing what I want it to do. And that was really the recent a-hah moment for me to know that I have to learn more about this and get help. And so I started reading and reading… and reading.
But back before my a-hah moment anxiety is the demon that possessed my brain. My anxiety is so severe that I am destroying my career as a veterinarian. I worked my *** off to get my doctorate and live my dream. And I did it. I did it well. I think, for the most part… I am intelligent and smart in my own way and I have built up a VERY elaborate and effective system of smoke and mirrors that fools even the people that are the closest to me. I’ve always been a master of disguise. It would destroy me to let people know that I am not the person that I appear to be anymore. I don’t want people to know that I am too terrified to perform my job and that my vomiting condition isn’t as enraged right now as I’m letting on that it is when I freeze and can’t beat myself into submission and go to work. I can’t make myself go bc I am hiding. I am so afraid and I just want it to be over. My career is never going to be what I wanted and that is because I have practically sabotaged myself. I’m so scared and I have been tearing my career apart myself by refusing to work bc I can’t control the fear and anxiety.
I feel bad for my poor husband lately bc we are in financial distress and yet I cannot get the motivation to get up and go to work. That’s terrible isn’t it!? I mean, I know that if I were on the outside looking in on me I would totally think I was lazy and spoiled or something. I claim nausea and abdominal pain, and while I have both of those frequently, it is not every single morning like I have been saying to keep from going to work. I feel bad that he truly deserves better but I would do anything to keep our marriage strong. He really does love me and I’m sorry for making life difficult right now.
And then I screw something up bc that’s what I do, and then hubby gets angry and says things that make me want to kill myself. I’m lucky to have him bc he truly does love me. That’s why he’s still with my crazy ***. But he gets fed up and is mean. I keep thinking that he’s getting madder and madder each time, and one day he is just going to be done with me and the love won’t be enough to make him stay bc his switch flipped and it can’t get flipped back. I’m so scared he’s going to leave me. When he gets mad he wants to get away from me. That’s only going to intensify.
Anyways, I have tendencies towards schizoid PD, bipolar, AvPD, as well as borderline. 3 of them I don’t fit like a peg, but AvPD is SO just everything is me!!! It describes the person I am and when I read it I was in shock that I didn’t know until now that this disorder exists to help me explain and try to fix myself. With the exception of one thing – I don’t shy from human contact and there is no pain stimulus for me with human touch. I rather enjoy it too much and have to watch out or I will become momentarily mesmerized with someone that I have to touch for whatever reason throughout the workday. Sometimes I don’t notice I’m touching someone, but when I do notice it I am very aware of it.
I’m sorry this is so long and rather disorganized. I have posted on this site in forums like anxiety but now that I know about AvPD I want to do an intro here so you all can get a feel for where I’m coming from. Do any of you relate to me here? Are there parts that you see in yourself too? If so, please tell me. I know this is what I have and I need validation right now. He is mad at me and I am trying to help myself so If anyone has comments I would love to hear what you have to say on the subject. Thank you for letting my spew my vile.
Peace,
Doc

G'day la doctora,

My opinion, would be to get a recommendation from your family GP to see a psych.

I would think to have a professional rule out whats is and what's not would be a welcomed relief for you rather than come up with three conditions that come to mind...(hopefully, that hasn't come across in a rude manner)

I have a different career path than you but relate to "never going to be what I wanted" which I accept and do the best that I can, rather than look to the future when I'm in the now.

Nice to talk to you
Snap

Hi Doc

I can relate to some of your symptoms for sure - and let me say you seem very organized and intelligent and considerate. Those are beautiful qualities.

Are you under a psychiatrist's care? It would be prudent to see someone. You like many people may have more than one condition.

I can relate to the stress, vomitting, nausea, guilt for burdening husband.

This is getting in the way of you enjoying life and you have so much going for you.

You sound motivated and ready to recover. Please know you have the strength in you to get better. These are your darkest times.

Sending you hugs and blessings...

Hi Snap66 and Zenster and thank you for your replies.

Snap66 I don't think you were rude and I understand why you would say that. I didn't fill you all in completely bc I was just pulling choppy thoughts from my mind.

I am under the care of a psychiatrist since 2007. Recently however, since I have not been working properly I am without insurance and can't afford my own just yet. I haven't been able to see my pshyc or T in over 2 months. I'm gonna go insane before I see them. I have been treated and had CBT for Bipolar in the past but things got under control with meds some and then the anxiety became the major beast. It just came and took control. All the depression I had before was replaced by short circuiting in my brain (that's what it feels like to me). We've been dealing with the anxiety for so long now that we haven't addressed any of the other issues.

So you are right that I haven't had a pshyc diagnose me with AvPD yet, but there is no doubt in my mind that she will once I spill all my secrets. There is so much that she simply does not know about that she should. I think I can do it now. It makes it easier to face them when I can be validated by knowing there is a reason I've been keeping them, something that is bigger than me. I also think I'm definately suffering from more than one condidtion. Things overlap in me for sure. I really don't care so much about the labels. I am a medical professional too, so I do try to take a step back and see it that objective way. All I want is to know specifically that SOMETHING is wrong, and attack those issues and help myself to deal with life in a better way.

And then there is the fact that I have been avoiding telling anyone how I feel for so long. I have this secret inside my head world that I'M really only starting to understand that I have. All I knew is that I just kept calling it anxiety and I didn't understand how someone that can make it through college and vet school, and then go through Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome beginning in my clinical year of vet school, could wreck her career by failing to go to work and sabotaging her career!!! How can I be that strong but not be strong enough to overcome the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me from performing my job.????!!! Well obviously I don't feel that I had AvPD in school. Well, actually, I'm avoiding again. I really did have it, but I didn't let it control the major aspects of my life, just some smaller parts of life. Small but important as I see now.....

Right now I'm accepting that my career isn't what it should be, but that is because I'm scared of it and avoiding it. If I ever do feel like my old self again I know I will be devastated bc it was my life and my happiness.... Maybe it's better that I never feel the loss...

Thank you Zenster. That was really nice of you to say.

How do you and your husband cope with this? Right now there is tension with us bc I did something that I admit now seems dumb but I still have a driving force to defend myself about it. We are so behind on bills. We are living paycheck to paycheck right now. The good news is that I got a good job with the government that I start in less than a month. More on that later. The point is that I sortof decided on my own that we would save money this past couple of months by not paying our insurance premiums for a couple of months and go without until I get on the new insurance the job provides immediately. My break in coverage won't be long enough to worry about pre-existing condition so I thought I would get away with it. Well he pulled a muscle in his back yesterday at work. It could be a lot worse. He is hurting but he can still move around. I told him we could fork out $40 for the exam and get him some meds but he's still pissed and going on about what if we get into a car accident or something. And I know he is technically right. I know I'm probably not thinking about this with the right frame of mind but I just think sometimes you can't afford the luxury of insurance when you can't pay your effing rent. But he's pissed bc he thinks I made a stupid decision without him. I get that. But how do I get him to realize that I make some decisions in the BACK of my head and I don't really let my conscious self know what I'm doing. That's what we do right? We talk ourselves into what makes us feel safe, right? How do I get him to see that I am sick. He doesn't really look at it that way. I think he worries that I am turning into a person he doesn't know. And I'm afraid he's right.... I don't know what to do to prevent losing him. I think he will get more mad at me. There's so much he doesn't know.... I don't know how to help him help me. He can be really sweet and sensitive sometimes but other times he's all about tough love and lessons and I'm very scared of that side of him. I'm so afraid that he will just get so mad and decide I am screwing up his life and that he will leave bc it's what is best for him.
And I think his mom will help him decide if you know what I mean. She doesn't like it that her boy didn't marry someone successful and rich like she wanted....
I've got strikes against me and I need to get back ahead in the count... Any advice on him? Anyone?

Doc

Hi La Doc,

I see a lot of me in you, especially the strong dependancy you need from your partner. Not that I'm a touchy /feely person but to read this in your Opening post, show's someone who has lot's of affection to give.

From my own personal experience, until I was diagnosed (not that i had ever heard of AvPD at the time of Diagnoses) I made alot of excuses for my behaviour.

I figure your excuses in not telling everyone while difficult and frustrating for you is something that you will continue todo until a final dianoses.
Not sure if that came out clear, but, it's easier to explain to others when you are certain.

I see someone who takes responsiblity for everything to have selfworth and feels the pain when things don't turn out as planned.
Even trying to cut a few cost's to get in front, then to trigger the anxiety with the back accident.

Just like Zenster said "you have beautiful qualities" just look at all your actions.

(I went back and re-read my reply to you, talk about statement after statement mmmm not very with sentences am I LOL.)

Oh well, we do our best.
Snap

Thanks Snap, for complimenting my qualities. I really do want to be a good person in life that other people think is worthy of being on this planet. Even if I'm a little "off", that's fine if they see that as long as they see that I am also a positive impact here and deserve a spot in life's game. So thank you again for seeing that and saying it, bc it really is important to me.

So are you telling me that part of my treatment will include telling people (other than my husband) what I am dealing with? I can't tackle this in my own head? I realize my own head is sick, but it seems like I could get away without doing it.

That terrrifies me. I don't want people to know this. The rest of my life would be people second guessing me and treating me like a child bc they think I have mental illness and need people to help me. That's not what I want at all. I NEED people to believe in me and to let me be independent bc that is SO important to me. I want to live and learn for myself instead of always doing something just bc that's how someone else did it.

This is starting to scare me. I know me. I know myself. And I don't know if there is a force in the world strong enough to get me to tell this to certain people in my life. I guess there are a very few that I trust enough, but there are definately some that i would NEVER tell. The rest of my life would be absolute hell and madness if I did...

shakin' in my boots,
Doc

Hi Doc,

IMHO part of your treatment is diagnoses... as dumb as that sounds (sorry)

Like going to the doctor, you want to know why you have an upset stomach or sore leg, you go to find out what it is so the right treatment is adminsted for recovery.

I was first diagnosed with Severe depression and that didn't sit well with me I knew there was more to it and months later after a few late night emails to my psych, she had me pegged.

If your diagnoses with Avoidance, may sit better with you and clears up your diagnoses search- it will allow for answers reasons and relief.
Personally, I found that once I knew who I was, (after 43 years) I was able to explain to others.
Explaning to others is entirley up to you as there is no right or wrong it's just personal choice.

I'm not a psych or a doctor just answering how things worked out for me.

Don't be scared you have connection and belonging you are here with people who understand.
Before the diagnoses I was truly alone with my thoughts, now I'm with people who understand (just like your reply in my Intro post-just with my few words "you get it")

Snap

Ok I think I understand what you are telling me. I have to hash it all out with her so that she can know why I'm AvPD, if there is a why.... Getting it all out will be theraputic in itself bc she will be guiding me through the thoughts I have to let her in....
I gotcha.
It's just going to be so long before I can see her again. Waiting on insurance is really going to test me. In the meantime I'll just find comfort with you guys on here.

Thanks for being here Snap. I'm glad we can help each other...
Doc

Well I can fully relate to the idea of smoke and mirrors when trying to present yourself to those around you. I'm very much the same way. I have spent my entire life making people think that I am more "together" than I really am. People think I am smart, calm and thoughtful. They think that I am driven and confident, when I am SO completely the opposite of EVERYTHING that they think I am. And therein lies some of the problem. I feel like I have been burdened with all of these expectations of people that think I am such a great guy and when I look at myself in the mirror and think in my own head I'm like "If you guys only knew the truth". It makes me feel small and worthless knowing that I'm not the awesome person that everyone thinks that I am. I feel that all of that praise is wasted on me when other people deserve it much more.

That's the hardest thing with living with this "disorder". It's hard for other people to really understand why you feel the way you do, especially when there is nothing "physically" wrong with you. People see you as aloof and disinterested and even weird or snobby many times, but inside you want nothing more that to be able to talk to people, strangers even, normally like so many other people are able to do. But it just doesn't seem to work. It's a hard thing to explain and it's a hard thing to try to even understand yourself.