AvPD, possibility? -long post-

I'm 20 years old. I haven't had a therapist/counselor since I went to family counseling when I was a child. I am having my final appointment with my RN in a few days.. While I am there, I plan on setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'm posting this thread because I would like someone else's opinion.. I read about AvPD a few days ago, and was surprised how well it described me.. I'm not good at organizing while typing stuff out, so I don't blame you if you stop reading.

A little bit about my past.
My past isn't bad..it's just small stuff that has built up. I was the target of my father's anger from as far back as I can remember up until ~16 years old. I remember the worst of it from my early childhood.. Up until middle school, I was really good at socializing with the kids at school and making friends. I was always out of the house, riding bikes and whatever else with friends from school. Sixth grade is when the bullying started. I began having trouble fitting in and relating to anyone else. I would hop from group to group, trying my best to fit in. I made a lot of mistakes when trying to fit in though. It was easy for others to pressure me into doing stuff I knew was wrong. Not sure why, but I have always -to this day- had trouble telling people no. I was the kid that never talked, and sat with his head down. My grades were good though.
Then when high school came around.. That's when the depression hit. Seeing everyone in groups, laughing, having a good time. Then there I was..feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere. I would walk with friends before class..but I would feel like I was shadowing them and would walk away. The beginning of freshman year, I was walking to a class and someone yelled b**** from behind me. The way he said it sounded like 'chris'. So I turned around. He yelled it again..and I turned around again hearing 'chris' that time too. Then I heard them laughing and I realized what they were saying.. I was in and out of relationships. They weren't stable, I wasn't able to share or express my feelings. I didn't know why.
Sophomore year was hell.. More of the same **** and then some. I skipped more than half of the entire time I actually went to school. The crowded halls, pressure from low grades, and socializing was too much for me to handle. My mom called the cops on me for leaving home without telling her. She said I was a run-away. The cops came to where I was, and arrested me. While cuffing me..they saw the cuts all over my arms. They ended up sending me to a mental health hospital up in Springfield. I stayed there for 14 days..I talked about abuse and stuck to that. They figured that was my only problem. I just said what I thought would get me out quickly...and it did. Back to school after that, more skipping. Got caught several times. They ended up giving me an option of dropping out, or going to day school, night school, AND summer school for the rest of my high school education. I took the easy way out. I never finished sophomore year.. I had all F's anyways, what was the point?

Now I know that everything has led up to this monster I have become.. I went from having several friends..to a few close ones..now I have one or two close friends left. The only family I talk to are my dad and sister. And who I live with (my mom, little brother). I want, more than anything, to be able to have close relationships with everyone. Yet it seems like the harder I try, the more I mess it up. I've been in my room for the last couple of weeks, if not longer. Except to help a friend fix his car, help my dad put a for rent sign in the yard of the house we finished remodeling, and check up on the house Habitat for Humanity is building for my family.
I also visited an old friend who I started talking to for the first time since high school. Man, did I mess that up. She was one of the closest friends I had.. We were getting close back in high school. Could have had a relationship going. But I withdrew for some odd reason. I don't know what I was thinking.. Anyways, we met up the other day.. After walking up to each other, she said "You look different." I don't know how anyone else would take that.. But I didn't take it in a good way, didn't say anything about it....for a while. It was awkward, to say the least. I didn't know what to say. I ended up asking, "So, when you said I look different.. Did you mean that in a good or bad way.?" Who the **** asks something like that? I'm so stupid.. She came to my town, so I knew I would have to think of something to do.. What did I suggest..? "We could go to the river?" At 8:00 at night..? I felt stupid right after saying that, and after she said okay. Walked around in the dark by the river barely saying anything.. Who would want to hang out with someone like me after that..?
I have trouble with that though.. Anything I say to someone, or anything I do..I feel like I'm messing it up. Doing it wrong. I can't manage to work anymore. I worry about doing something wrong, people judging the way I am doing something. Looking stupid. I can't hold a conversation..especially if there is someone there other than the one I am talking to. I'm afraid of what they are thinking, or what they will say about it once I leave. I want to have conversations, but once I'm in one...I want to be left alone since I'm not sure what to say. It seems like everyone talks to me about the same thing...games. They think it's all I do. Well, it is to an extent..but I feel like a really boring person when the only time people ask me to hang out is if games are involved or they want me to bring a game/my xbox over.. I wish I could express my feelings, my thoughts..but I can't. I've tried, and it only leads to more pain.. I was feeling suicidal for a while, talked to a friend about it...big mistake. I can't share with anyone..not if I want them in my life.
I hate talking about myself anyways, although it's all I seem to do on here. Don't get me wrong, I want to help others. More so than I want to help myself. I read people's posts..even type out a reply. But I can't bring myself to post it. I hate it..why can't I stop being so focused on my problems? Am I selfish..? Self-centered? I really don't know. I want to give up.. I don't think I would ever commit suicide, but I won't deny thinking about it quite a lot. Some days more than others. I feel like I'm losing everyone, and I know that it's my own fault. I won't get off my lazy *** and do something about it. I lay here and hope it will get better..but I know it won't. I need....I HAVE to change. For my family, for my friends, for myself.. I have to wake up from this dream I've been stuck in. That is easy enough to say...to actually do..? I can't see myself getting better. I live my life day by day. I don't like making plans, because I never know how ****** I will feel that day.
I wish people could understand why I am the why I am.. I often wonder how awful of a person I seem like to everyone else.. Everyone calls me mellow, chill, quiet, patient.. Everytime I was done hanging out with a friend..I would come home and think about what I did wrong. I've had a friend, who's more like a brother to me, since 4th grade..and I can't even hang out with him anymore without the constant worrying about what he's thinking. I constantly watch how people act when I talk, if that makes sense. If they seem bored, annoyed, or laugh when I'm not meaning to be funny..I 'shut down' and won't talk. Eye contact is also a big thing for me.. I can't do it..I wish I knew why. I know my self-esteem is complete ****.. I've worn the same beanie for 2 years or more (of course I have washed it). Just about everytime I leave home, sometimes even while at home, I have it on. I'm wearing it now.. Why? No idea. I wish I knew. I hate my forehead, face, everything. Maybe it's just to hide it? I don't like wearing it, but I hate not wearing it..
I don't know what to do.. I want help..but socializing is not my strong suit, to say the least. I can't make phone calls to strangers, rarely even to friends and family. Going to stores, going through the drive thru, sitting at a park..anything public place..I can barely stay calm. I feel everyone's eyes locked on me when I walk in. If someone laughs, I assume it's directed at me. If I make eye contact with anyone, I think they were staring at me. After I pass them, I figure they are talking bad about me. I feel so clumsy in public. I walk fast, and with a stiff posture. I try to fix it, but I can't.

That was way too long.. I could go on and on, but I won't. I posted this wondering if I might have AvPD..and it turned into a rant/vent post. I don't blame anyone if they stopped reading. If you actually read it, I'm afraid of what you think of me now. I sounded stupid.. I can't believe I'm actually posting this..

Chris, I can relate to small things that build up over time. I was convinced I had AvPD also, but after working with a therapist she told me it does not seem I have it. What I do have is a combination of low self-esteem, self-doubts and social phobia - which could have led to AvPD if I hadn't had some protective factors going on. Bullying and other negative social experiences were definitely a problem for me.

Anyway, diagnoses can get very technical. For every one person who clearly meets diagnostic criteria for a specific disorder, there are many more who can relate to some of the symptoms but not all. It is the quantity and severity of symptoms that clinches a diagnosis. The important thing is to address the issues we have, regardless of where we are on a scale of symptoms.

Self-acceptance is important. What I mean is, after repeated rejection and invalidation people tend to reject and invalidate themselves - self-doubts. I congratulate you on opening up and being so thorough. It would be beneficial for you to share this with a therapist.

Don't get down on yourself for posting.. its great that you are given with what you struggle with.

My younger and adult life was and is much the same as you have described for your self. You are not alone with having those challenges and being frustrated.

And continue reaching out it does help!!

Thanks for replying. Sorry it took so long to get back to you two. It's difficult to talk about myself..even if my problems are all I can manage to talk about. I don't understand. I haven't talked to anyone at all lately.. Feeling like I'm a failure. As a friend, brother/son, as a person.

My friend called me today, she said that another friend needed Benadryl for a panick attack.. I don't have my license and I've been sick for a few days, so I wasn't able to give him any. Although they were able to find someone to bring him some..I feel that being a friend, I should have taken it to him anyways.

I wish I knew if someone didn't like talking to me. If I ask too many questions, or sound stupid. If I say "I, Me, My" too much. I rarely write a sentence on here without "I". Selfish. Stupid. Ah, whatever.

Does anyone else worry about people watching you? For example, I went outside to smoke a cig a bit ago. I noticed a car in the parking lot of the Auto Service Shop across the road. The first thought I had was, "Is there someone in that car looking over here?" I'll note that I don't actually believe that there is someone there, just that I always feel like I'm being watched so I look for confirmation that it's actually happening.

There I went again. Lol. Sorry about that.

Wish you all the best,
Chris.

Hello Chris, I'm sorry I didn't realize you had your own thread here (I only just turned up to AvPD forum recently and only cursorily looked through previous threads.)

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish. If it's any comfort yes I too get those thoughts of other people watching me. Walking down a street and feeling like everyone is observing me, and thinking negatively of me. Feeling like I'm on display or on show all the time, even if there's no-one around (I call it 'other eyes' and mostly it's in my head but that doesn't make it any easier to live with.)

I wonder if somewhere in your past you've been accused of selfishness, of thinking that the world revolves around you, and that's made you hyper aware of any references to yourself that you make? For what it's worth, it's almost impossible to talk about things without using I, Me, Mine, My... Unless you're talking of abstract things that don't involve opinion or thoughts or feelings.

Considering this is a support forum you'd have your work cut out to avoid using first person pronouns! Good practice Chris, to write about yourself on an anonymous forum, where people are already biased to being supportive and understanding .

Also sounds like you labour under a lot of 'shoulds' (you *should* have taken the benadryl to your friend, even though you patently couldn't.) Shoulds are just big sticks to beat ourselves up with. Not that that makes them any easier to tolerate, I know all about shoulds and how they are so difficult to oppose and ignore or even live with comfortably. Their job is to make us feel bad for being who we are, they're the enemy! Lol that's just me, don't mind what I'm saying if it makes no sense to you .

Hugs to you Chris

Torn

Hey Torn,

No need to apologize, it's completely fine I'm glad you have found the AvPD forum. From what I've seen, it's been more active lately.

It is comforting, in a way. The fact that someone other than myself is able to understand..it helps. I'm not saying that I am happy you go through it too though. Hopefully you know what I mean.
Thinking that everyone is having negative thoughts about you gets to you after awhile.. Every laugh you hear, you assume it is directed at you..or that's how it is with me.

I've never really thought about it.. Maybe I need to try and figure that out. There was a lot of verbal abuse in my childhood. Idk though. But yeah, you're right..'I' sticks out in everything I say/write. It's just that I want to be able to try to help others, and hold a conversation. I'm so focused on my own problems, yet I'm not trying to fix them.

Maybe.. I don't know. And yeah, It makes sense. I don't notice the shoulds anymore. There are many 'shoulds' day after day.

Thank you for replying Let me know if I offend you in any way, or if I am rambling/not making sense/sounding stupid/whatever else. Lol.

May the force be with you,

Chris.

I just found this post and it is taking a bunch of courage to write this because I'm already dreading what anyone who reads it will think. Chris, I can't thank you enough for your long post. I felt like I was reading something I could have written. I have been dealing with such a jumble of symptoms and I feel like I may have narrowed them down with AvPD. But for those of you have been diagnosed and dealing with this for awhile-how do you cope? How do we "fix" this?

Hello 5000 welcome to the forum. Glad you could relate your symptoms to a potential dx in a way that at least gives you a sense of clarity - it can be really confusing and mind-wrecking not having some kind of structure to so many diverse symptoms. I find so anyway

And well done you for posting, it does take courage so it's a big deal that you've done so!

As for fixing this set up - hm yeah well all answers gratefully received too. I have no idea, although I reckon between us if we put our heads together we'd probably come up with a few thoughts. I keep thinking I've come up with a solution, something I could do to get better and I never seem able to see it through - in my case it all comes down to how I experience myself (absence of self esteem, sense of badness, being unlikeable, unacceptable, unwantable etc etc that doesn't just relate to how others see me but how I experience myself in my own head .)

So all my attempts to fix myself revolve around trying to find ways to feel safe and ok inside my own head. Get to feel good about yourself and dealing with people becomes a doddle. That's the general idea anyway.

Lol sorry for the long post, I only meant to welcome you and got a bit sidetracked thinking about fixing this disorder. I hope you'll stick around 5000 and tell a bit more about yourself. Welcome again

Torn

Chris, I wanted to let you know that I can completely relate to your descriptions of your feelings about relating to other people. I could have written that. And, yes, I feel constantly watched.

About the hat wearing, lots of people with different types of anxiety have "safety behaviors," objects/rituals/techniques/ways of behaving that minimize anxious feelings in a situation that is triggering. Safety objects are not uncommon. Deep breathing techniques are even a safety behavior. So is leaving a party early or carrying around a water bottle. Lots of people have something they do--wearing the same hat does not seem that unusual to me.

I think I say this to everyone, but seriously GOOD for you for recognizing that you need to tackle this. I went five years where I was seriously cutting off everyone and doing less and less before I realized it was not normal. Until then, I kept rationalizing my behaviors and so I couldn't get better.

Did you ever meet with a psychiatrist? Sorry, I don't remember if you posted about that. I know this is a late response!

5000, welcome and great job posting. Are you currently getting any help from doctors or therapists? Lots of treatments revolve around exposure; is that something you've learned about yet? How is your social network right now? (I know that's a hard question to answer, so I'll admit I have no social network outside of my family! And I'm lucky to have any relationships with them!)

Thanks so much for the welcome and the isight! I will keep your advice in mind.

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to all of you. I've been trying to get out with friends and be more social the last few days. Attempting to work on little stuff like eye contact. And conversations..mostly trying to keep a conversation from being about myself. I did a little better than I usually do..I think it was because of the Lithium. The thoughts and paranoia weren't any better, but it helped me with hiding it.

Honestly, I don't like taking Lithium. It's like it does something different every day. One day it will cheer me up, but dry my mouth out to the point where I'm drinking a bottle of water every 20 minutes. The next it might not help my mood, but I will have a lot of energy. Some days my stomach will hurt after taking it.

I've been cooking a lot lately, too. I made some omelettes for breakfast a few times. I deep fried some hush puppies, which led to these scars on my hands. Story time!..

I was cooking hush puppies, but they tasted too bland. So I started experimenting...this is where I should have stopped. I covered various cheeses in the batter and deep fried them, making my own kind of Ched R' Bites from Sonic. ..They were delicious.

I had the oil about two inches from the top of the pot, which is where I messed up, and I went to deep fry this larger piece of cheese. I dropped it in too quickly, and the oil went over the sides into the burner. The oil burst into flames and my first reaction was to get the pot off of the stove as quickly as possible. When I did, the oil spilled out and went all over my hand, the floor, and a chair. I didn't let it go though. With my other hand I covered the burner with a glass bowl hoping it would smother the flame...it didn't. I realized that I had a fire extinguisher and put it out, saving my trailer from the firey end that I would have brought upon it. Now I have these bad burns on my left hand. The end.

Hey 5000,

Welcome to the Forum! Thank you for replying I'm glad you found the courage. I understand how difficult it can be. I rarely posted anything when I first joined, but it has gotten easier. Continue posting, if you would like to. It's nice to have you here.

You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome I'm glad I could help. It definitely helps to have someone to relate to. Have you talked to a therapist, or anyone about AvPD?

I hope you are doing well,
Chris.

Hey Orange,

Thank you for that. I say it a lot, but it helps having someone to relate to.

I've never thought about that, but you're right. It really bothers me though.. I have worn if for so long, and so often that if I don't wear it around anyone..the first thing they do is ask, "where's your beanie?" It has a cigarette burn in it, paint from work..it looks awful. I can't seem to wear another one because they don't cover enough of my face. I'm dumb, I don't know.

Thank you. 5 years is a long time.. I'm sorry to hear that. If it's not asking too much, how did you end up realizing it wasn't normal? I've put off getting help for as long as I can. I know it's not true, but I feel weak for not being able to cover it up well enough.

I don't think you did. Don't be sorry it's fine. But, no, I haven't. I went to my appointment on the 3rd, and I was supposed to be set up with one then. I ended up getting there 2 minutes late and didn't get to sign in. She saw the people in the waiting room, and by the time she was done with them..she had to leave. So I rescheduled for the 11th.

Thank you for replying, and I hope everything is going good for you ,
Chris.

Well, my sister just went to the airport to go back to Washington after visiting for the holidays. I feel like complete **** for not running around doing stuff with her and my mom while she was here. They wanted me to go to the airport to see her off, but me and airports...no thank you. I avoid crowded places 99% of the time, no matter what..which I'm sure a lot of people deal with. I just...I feel bad. I could see how disappointed my sister was.. Today is going to be rough. Things are definitely different around the house without her here. Less....entertaining? I don't know. I barely talk to my mom or brother..even if they talk to me. I used to be more outgoing and 'entertaining' than anyone I knew. Wonder what happened to change that.. I wish I knew.

RN says she agrees that I might have AvPD, and said she has been thinking it as well. lasfjd;fasldkjfoavijoajlg.savnahgohaorgasvnfajkghagrhkhgnrvrva. Not my day.

Whatever happens, you'll be right mate

Thank you, Captain.

Hi Chris, my husband has AvPD and had a lifelong self consciousness. This almost crippled him when he was your age. It does get better with age but I strongly advise anyone who thinks they have it to get whatever help they need as my husband takes everything we say as a criticism...it makes life very difficult. All the best with everything.

Chris,

I logged in to say I suffer from exactly this, but started having real problems a few years ago after college. I could do the whole communication thing up until I was somewhat bullied or felt like I was being made fun of because I couldn't express my anger for a friend who was being cruel. Now I think everyone is either staring me down or making fun of me half the time, and I'm finding it difficult to overcome. This has caused me to have similar issues with eye contact and flat out feeling rejected and not wanting to seek people out. I'm not sure how to overcome all these things, especially when I don't really want to be around people half the time. How are you getting better?