[Lamplighter]

Seeing as how other forums have a check in thread, thought it might be good to have one here too. Maybe that would be less scary for people with AvPD or social anxiety or just plain shy to post, rather than posting in the bigger faster moving threads. We'll see anyway.

So just to kick start it, I'll say hello and welcome .

And mention that I feel crap today because I lay awake half the night my brain buzzing with self attacking thoughts. It would be really nice to be on my own side for a change .

[Puffyprue]

Feeling worst than a pregnant lady!

[OrangeMoira]

Hi! PC helps me so much that I started a reward chart. If I post every day for two weeks I get a prize. Let's see if bribing myself gets me through the next time I feel like an idiot for something I posted. . So thanks for this thread!!

I gave myself ANOTHER deadline to apply for jobs today and I'm so scared and nauseated. Did write one draft of a cover letter though! Woo!

Sorry about your critical thoughts, torn mind! Being aware of them is a good step!

[OrangeMoira]

Feeling sad. Thinking I'm too defective for the career I'm trained in, and I've blown my opportunity for a temporary assignment. Hopeless, guilty because not disciplined enough.

[Lamplighter]

(((((( OrangeMoira ))))) Lol I love your idea of rewarding yourself for posting every day for two weeks - I hope you can keep it up! It's so easy to feel like a right idiot especially when posts are left hanging or unacknowledged but it's worth persevering I think.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself about work though - unfortunately I can relate to the self blame and guilt

Silentycrying - maybe your tears needn't be so silent if you can reach out some. Sorry that sounded really pretentious didn't it? Just wanting to connect really. Not sure if feeling worse than a pregnant woman refers to how you feel physically, or emotionally, or maybe both?

As for me - feeling noxiously crap - self hate self blame and general frustrated powerlessness overwhelming me. I hate it that my problems are all my fault my doing my creation and even knowing that, nothing changes .

And I hate it that I feel so rubbish especially coming up to Christmas. Feeling alienated and alone and trapped inside my terrifying head. Ack

[Lamplighter]

Feeling marginally better today, but still being overwhelmed by the self blaming stuff, and the fear that creates. Nowhere to hide from myself

[Puffyprue]

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

Silentycrying - maybe your tears needn't be so silent if you can reach out some. Sorry that sounded really pretentious didn't it? Just wanting to connect really. Not sure if feeling worse than a pregnant woman refers to how you feel physically, or emotionally, or maybe both?

As for me - feeling noxiously crap - self hate self blame and general frustrated powerlessness overwhelming me. I hate it that my problems are all my fault my doing my creation and even knowing that, nothing changes .

And I hate it that I feel so rubbish especially coming up to Christmas. Feeling alienated and alone and trapped inside my terrifying head. Ack

Ive tried to reach out but it feels like there is no one there or maybe its my disorder get in the way...well iam not worth it anyway

and when i said i feel worst than pregnant women , i meant physically, i feel nauseous all the times but now not as bad as before

iam sorry that you are struggling durng this holiday, hope things get better or you find a way to cope!

[Blue Coral]

Nice idea about a check in. I love/hate this time of year. All the "get togethers" are tough. I want to go and belong but it is soooo hard to participate, I feel so stupid. So when I don't I am hard on my self. Why can't I be like everyone?

Anyway, I am trying to focus on what I love about this time of year.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by Blue Coral

Why can't I be like everyone?

Something I ask myself often too!

I hope everyone is doing ok today - it being Christmas Day. I'm feeling ok at the moment, about to go cook Christmas dinner so things to do to help keep me from crashing in misery at how lonely it can be this time of year.

Wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas

[Lamplighter]

Hey Orange Moira, where are you? Just giving you a gentle shove seeing as how there's a reward at the end of it if you post again

Hi, I'm new here. I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder a few years ago. I don't know if I'm the classic case though...I mean I'm overly sensitive to public humiliation and rejection, but I'm better with criticism than I used to be. I can cope in most public places as long as there aren't too many people and I'm not being crowded. I do resist going anywhere other than school though and have a very strict schedule of when I do errands and it's the same every week so it feels more comfortable. My main problem is that even though I can interact with other people in a "normal" way, I can't get close to them and I feel lonely and isolated almost all of the time.

So I guess in some ways I'm better than what I was (and more than willing to give advice to people on how I got to where I am), but I still feel like I'm impossibly far away from being able to get what I want to be happy. Socially, career-wise, you name it.

[Twice]

Hi there,

Someone I care about has AvPD. I'm here to find out how I can help him.

Twice

[Lamplighter]

Hello I.Am.The.End. welcome here. Sounds like you've learned to cope with AvPD to some extent, at least good insofar as you're able to get out and mingle with people. I can relate very much to being able to do 'normal' things, but unable to get close to people. Or maybe that's not being able to let people get close to me, not sure on that one...

Twice welcome too, not sure that there's enough traffic here to be of much help to someone wanting to find out how to help another with AvPD, but you can only ask. Maybe start a thread or two with questions you'd like answers to?

As for checking in today, I'm not sure how I feel - bleh. Post Christmas let down maybe. Have to go to the hairdresser's tomorrow and that's making me anxious I HATE having my hair done it really brings out my latent paranoia . Anyone else hate doing things like that which most people would see as something to look forward to?

[two sons]

Torn Mind,
I sure can relate to your anxiety about going to the hairdresser. I absolutely dread getting my hair cut. When they ask how I want it cut, I always tell them to just cut it however they think and I never have them do anything other than cut it - no styling! That would be way too stressful! Never look in the mirror!

The last time I had my hair cut, I had terrible anxiety about going (waited 6 months in between). Talked to tdoc about it in the prior 2-3 sessions just to convince myself to go. Then when I actually went, I wanted to sneak in and sneak out - no styling, etc. Well, there was a lady there whom I had never met. She liked my hair (I have straight silver gray hair). When I told the hairdresser to just cut it however she wanted (anything to avoid attention! and to get out of there!), this other lady insisted on staying to see how it turned out! She meant well........but she had no idea that I was ready to crawl out of my skin! It was terrible. Here was this lady who kept trying to talk to me about my hair (agh!!!) and I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror.

Oh well, I survived and tdoc got a chuckle - I'm sure he thought it was a good experience for me, but it is not something I ever want to go through again.

I suppose some people would appreciate the attention - yuck!

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

Hello I.Am.The.End. welcome here. Sounds like you've learned to cope with AvPD to some extent, at least good insofar as you're able to get out and mingle with people. I can relate very much to being able to do 'normal' things, but unable to get close to people. Or maybe that's not being able to let people get close to me, not sure on that one...

Twice welcome too, not sure that there's enough traffic here to be of much help to someone wanting to find out how to help another with AvPD, but you can only ask. Maybe start a thread or two with questions you'd like answers to?

As for checking in today, I'm not sure how I feel - bleh. Post Christmas let down maybe. Have to go to the hairdresser's tomorrow and that's making me anxious I HATE having my hair done it really brings out my latent paranoia . Anyone else hate doing things like that which most people would see as something to look forward to?

That is comforting as I feel bad for being in this forum as I don't have AvPD as badly as others do. Although I think it's because I was sort of forced to "get over" some of it. I'm a musician so I perform and after a while it starts to get easier. And I'm around people a lot...playing in large ensembles makes it somewhat easier to be in crowds, however I still hate crowds. I tend to have panic attacks and trouble breathing. And I'm around the same people all the time it seems, so some of them begin to seem "safe" to interact a little bit with.

But with all of that, I've had some major setbacks. I was rejected in the worst way possible by someone I was beginning to have feelings for and I've been afraid to even have feelings since then. And I was starting to be comfortable telling people I like them at that point... And recently, I had a very humiliating experience playing in front of people. Now I'm afraid to even practice and have people hear me (more so than before) and my performance anxiety is worse than it had been.

Maybe I'm strange in the fact that I like getting my hair done. But I do go to the same lady at the same place every time so they're not "strangers" and I know she'll do the right thing with my hair. And my hair is the only memorable and attractive thing about me physically.

[OrangeMoira]

Silentlycrying, glad you checked back in. Sorry about the nausea. I know how you feel. I recently started trying muscle relaxation exercises and achieved an entire half day without nausea--felt so good I didn't know what to do with myself! I didn't realize how constant it has been the last few years.

Torn Mind, thanks for the poke! Yep, got too freaked out to post or even read for a few days. I get really scared if I get positive feedback. I'm afraid to disappoint someone later, so I run. Guess I'll start my count over.

Two Sons, that is a great story! I recently went to the DMV for my license and the worker tried to show me the photo she took--nope! I pretended to glance over but didn't really look. Then she called me out on it--she actually said "Moira, you're scared!" Aargh! My worst nightmare--that my fear is really that obvious. I recovered okay by saying I just hate taking pictures. Definitely had the instant flop sweat going, though, and didn't leave the house again for weeks.

I.Am.The.End I'm glad you're here posting and giving ideas. People who are in the worst grips of AvPD may not be able to do more than read, if that. So your input is much appreciated. Sorry about the romantic setback. That hurts so much. I'm glad you're still trying to work on practicing even though it's harder for you now. I am able to speak publicly if I'm well prepared because I feel like there are boundaries on people's expectations. Unfortunately, that has not translated to other parts of my life.

Welcome, Twice! Hope you find some helpful info. The articles portion of PC can be a good resource, too.

Blue Coral, those get togethers can be so tough! I recently forced myself to go to my husband's holiday party and kept my rumination to a minimum afterward. Sometimes I get over-enthusiastic or sycophantic to try to compensate for my natural behavior, and I always feel painfully vulnerable and ashamed afterwards. Didn't let it eat me up too much afterwards this time.

Hmm, I may feel that way after this post. I am revved up now because I screwed up my courage to post!

Today I had trouble controlling my daydreaming and starting productive work. The thought of emailing people was so painful that I could not even direct my brain to think about it! I will keep trying this evening, because my absolute deadline is really almost over. All I want to do is zone out, though.

Originally Posted by OrangeMoira

I.Am.The.End I'm glad you're here posting and giving ideas. People who are in the worst grips of AvPD may not be able to do more than read, if that. So your input is much appreciated. Sorry about the romantic setback. That hurts so much. I'm glad you're still trying to work on practicing even though it's harder for you now. I am able to speak publicly if I'm well prepared because I feel like there are boundaries on people's expectations. Unfortunately, that has not translated to other parts of my life.

Yeah, I wish there was a way to resolve it because I don't feel like I can move on until I do...but we're on speaking terms and I don't want to change that. Maybe if we had a mediator, but even then, no one would understand why that would affect me so much.

I've been having trouble speaking in public actually. I can do it, but my thoughts get all jumbled and I have trouble pronouncing words and I think I might even stutter a little. I have problems speaking clearly and pronouncing words as it is, so I prefer writing. I fear I seem very stupid when I try to say things out loud unless I'm really comfortable around people. But I have to speak in front of crowds spontaneously quite often, so it's a bit unnerving.

And to anyone reading that doesn't feel comfortable posting in the thread, you can PM me. And for those who aren't comfortable with that, I'll try to preemptively give advice.

Like I was saying before, scheduling things like errands where you do it at the same time in the same way every week helps. When I do laundry I have to go to a laundromat, so I go late on Friday night (there aren't many people there), go to the same corner, use the same machines, etc.

That's all I can think of right now.

[Lamplighter]

Wow lots of traffic here and I've not been around to keep up. Good one guys, I'm so glad you are feeling brave enough to post.

Two sons thanks for the empathy and understanding about the hairdresser Lol I loved your description of how it freaks you out, if you can get a laugh out of it, all is not lost!

I had my appointment today and sat through two hours (TWO HOURS!!!!!) of it but actually it went better than other times - this a new hairdresser and she didn't chatter as much as others have done so I didn't feel so pressured to keep up the happy happy chat - which I can do but which really wears me out and makes me unbelievably stressed out and tense by the end of it all. It's a chore, not a pleasure making constant small talk and having to be super careful of always saying and doing the right thing, even in a small talk situation. On the up side, I now have a great colour and the haircut itself is fantastic. This hairdresser definitely one I'll be going back to.

Maybe in time if I stick with the one hairdresser it won't be so fraught going, as you are saying I.Am.The.End. yeah? The idea of a safe routine and familiarity, the other person becoming a known quantity and therefore not quite so threatening? I think I can see that working.

And my hair is the only memorable and attractive thing about me physically.

You know this might sound oppositional and I don't at all mean it to be, but I think it's great that you CAN see at least one good thing about yourself (ok physically, maybe you are able to see good things about yourself in other ways too, if so, I think that is great too!)

And hey please don't feel bad for being on this forum because you think you don't have AvPD as badly as some others. It's all relative and you have just as much right to post here (and to feel welcome and be welcomed) as anyone. See if you're able to post and talk more freely about yourself, that gives others who are maybe struggling with wanting to post but can't quite bring themselves to, some encouragement and a reason for reading here. Lol I see Moira has effectively said exactly that, sorry to be repetitive...

Wow that you're a musician and perform before audiences, you don't have to be AvPD to be freaked out by that kind of situation ! Way to go. Though I'm really sorry you had an awful public experience that's made it so difficult for you now. I hope you are able to persevere and not let it stop you from playing. And I'm sorry too you suffered a terrible rejection

(((( Moira ))))) good for you for posting again. You definitely deserve a reward for that, never mind waiting until you've done two week's worth. Baby steps and all that, manageable goals... Better that you post sometimes and it's not too overwhelming, than try and post every day for two weeks and that freaks you out to the point where you run away. We need you!

So hm ok I seem to have written at length already so might come back tomorrow with a separate check in. Cheers to everyone hope things are going ok and post Christmas isn't too depressing.

Torn

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

I had my appointment today and sat through two hours (TWO HOURS!!!!!) of it but actually it went better than other times - this a new hairdresser and she didn't chatter as much as others have done so I didn't feel so pressured to keep up the happy happy chat - which I can do but which really wears me out and makes me unbelievably stressed out and tense by the end of it all. It's a chore, not a pleasure making constant small talk and having to be super careful of always saying and doing the right thing, even in a small talk situation. On the up side, I now have a great colour and the haircut itself is fantastic. This hairdresser definitely one I'll be going back to.

Maybe in time if I stick with the one hairdresser it won't be so fraught going, as you are saying I.Am.The.End. yeah? The idea of a safe routine and familiarity, the other person becoming a known quantity and therefore not quite so threatening? I think I can see that working.

You know this might sound oppositional and I don't at all mean it to be, but I think it's great that you CAN see at least one good thing about yourself (ok physically, maybe you are able to see good things about yourself in other ways too, if so, I think that is great too!)

And hey please don't feel bad for being on this forum because you think you don't have AvPD as badly as some others. It's all relative and you have just as much right to post here (and to feel welcome and be welcomed) as anyone. See if you're able to post and talk more freely about yourself, that gives others who are maybe struggling with wanting to post but can't quite bring themselves to, some encouragement and a reason for reading here. Lol I see Moira has effectively said exactly that, sorry to be repetitive...

Wow that you're a musician and perform before audiences, you don't have to be AvPD to be freaked out by that kind of situation ! Way to go. Though I'm really sorry you had an awful public experience that's made it so difficult for you now. I hope you are able to persevere and not let it stop you from playing. And I'm sorry too you suffered a terrible rejection

Torn

Good, I'm glad that your appointment at the hairdressers went well.

Repetition has always seemed to work for me, especially when it comes to performance. There are situations that I feel very comfortable in and others I don't, and the ones I feel more comfortable in, I have more experience.

Also if I'm in costume (character?) I'm fine usually. So maybe that's another technique? Becoming a different "person" in a way, when doing things that you would ordinarily be uncomfortable with. Like having an alter ego, I guess. I don't really think about it consciously.

Also, I don't know if it can be applied as well outside of performing, but learning how to not "telegraph" mistakes will allow you to perform and make mistakes without people realizing it. It's tricky to do as you have to not physically react to a mistake. So basically overriding your natural instincts. But I've tested this and it actually works. If you physically don't respond to the mistake, few people will notice (or their brains won't process it). This is a skill that takes a lot of practice and is very difficult, I'm not going to lie. I find it a lot easier in music performance than every day life, but I have more experience in performance.

And to your other comment, I suppose that I can see something physically good in myself—I'm really going off what other people have said. And I feel very negatively about everything else, so...

And I usually get over rejections after a year or two, but not this time (it's been 1 1/2 years and I don't feel like it's getting better).

[Lamplighter]

(((((( I.Am.The.End )))))) Can I call you Iate as it’s hard to type the capitals and fullstops without making endless typos

QUOTE

And I usually get over rejections after a year or two, but not this time (it's been 1 1/2 years and I don't feel like it's getting better).

All I can think to say here is that maybe the connection you had in the first place was more intense and deeper than previous ones, and so it’s taking a lot longer to deal with it. But I’m sorry you’re still in pain

learning how to not "telegraph" mistakes will allow you to perform and make mistakes without people realizing it

.
What an interesting concept! I shall have to go away and think hard about this one and work out how to apply it – I love the psychology behind it, makes perfect sense. If you don’t draw attention to it, then chances are people won’t notice (this is great stuff for helping with potential paranoia!) I can see how you could practise it with performances (music for instance, playing a wrong note or even getting the timing out – unless someone listening knows the piece perfectly chances are they won’t hear the mistake – what a wonderfully positive notion .)

I wonder how you get on applying it in people interactions? It must be much more difficult not to give away that you’ve made some sort of mistake or gaffe (or think you have) in those sorts of situations. I know you said it’s difficult, I just wondered if you’d had any success and could share some examples?

Thanks for continuing to post .

Torn