Easily jumping to "rejection!"

Tonight's story: I'm actually in a really good mood. And have been fairly energetic the last few days. I'm starting to think (and somewhat hoping) that I am heading in to a hypomania - which tends to make me quite social and more confident. So that's my background for today.

I agreed to go out for drinks and maybe dancing with some people. Person B let me know that Person A was driving.. and Person A just lives down the street from me so I normally just walk over. When I text Person A to see what time she wanted to leave at to go pick up Person B... she let me know that she was already gone and was with Person C.

Last night while some of us were playing board games, I contested something that Person A went to negotiate and the others agreed with me - that's actually a HUGE step for me to voice a disagreement. And Person A was visibly pissed off with it and I'm assuming most of that is directed towards me. But whatever. At least I tried to go "whatever".

So tonight I went STRAIGHT immediately back to "Person A really doesn't like me and probably doesn't want me to go out.. and Person C I don't really think likes me and she's more Person A's friend... so I shouldn't go." And I didn't want to pay a cab both ways on my own as I expected I wouldn't go to the second location as I find it too sketchy.

But I didn't want to message Person B about this to see if she was still getting picked up or not. But Person B messaged and was like "well I guess I'm driving"... and then I jumped straight to "Person B's offering to drive because I don't drive, when I know that she wants to drink and doesn't want to drive".

So I said I decided against going out. I really wanted to go out... but I feel too guilty and like I did all sorts of things wrong. So I'm here at home and miserable by myself instead of being miserable and out.

I am so frustrated with my thought processes!

Do many of you react somewhat similar?

Yeah thats how i ended up not going to my last high school reunion after working on it for MONTHS - i couldnt move the parking brake on the rental car and i just said eff it. This was HOURS before i had to leave. So - i was way more "reactive" shall we say. Rejected by an inanimate object.

As far as the board game, if you offended person A but the other players agreed with you then you probably just called them out on something legitimate. Sounds like you were in the right on that and had the balls to call them out when other people didn't - if other people jump on board when someone else says it then usually that person is in the right. Maybe person A is slightly bitter about it but if other people backed you up they probably appreciated your having the guts to say it.

Also I don't think person B could blame you for not driving. I mean if you don't drive and they know that it would be stupid and bitter to make a snarky comment about how they have to drive and are such a victim because you don't... maybe they just feel like they always have to drive and were saying that to you because they are annoyed nobody else would drive (knowing that you don't so can't offer to).

I guess I can't speak to the specifics so much but I always jump to conclusions that other people are rejecting me or that I don't belong or whatever so I know what you mean at least... I just don't become part of social groups anymore because it's too hard for me to navigate the kind of situation you are describing. In this situation I would be liable to just stop talking to the whole lot of them. But the better idea might be to go out with them next time you feel up to it. Maybe you will see it was really nothing and you were just overthinking it (something I know all too well).

Hankster: Yeah... I'm an early and quick reactor really... go go hypervigiliance!

nowheretohide: Thank you, although I don't really need help with the logic - I know full well that my reaction to it is totally skewed from reality... I just was stuck in too much anxiety over it anyway and wasn't able to make myself go because overall I felt like an unwanted inconvenience. I know 100% that I was in the right about the board game... I was surprised with myself for speaking up, but I would only ever speak up if I KNEW there was no real debate about it. I mostly just wanted to know if other people here tend to react the same way.

But yeah - I know my own pattern. I won't contact either of them until they contact me. Which is daft and I know it, but it's how I tend to roll. If I was to contact them first then it would just make me feel like I was annoying them and being a burden that they don't want around. So I will wait it out until they contact me and then I can at least go "Don't be an idiot, THEY messaged you."

My bad, misunderstood the issue at hand. I think part of my problem is that I analyze relationships and interactions too logically... like your signature says, "people, not logic puzzles". I would just say that if you do have a group of friends who like you and respect you (or at least you feel like 2/3 of the "group" feels that way) then don't let it slip away because of social paranoia. At a certain point people feel like you're blowing THEM off even if you felt like they were blowing YOU off, haha.

But then again it's a horrifyingly fine line between being over-sensitive to rejection and trying too hard to hang around people who actually don't want you around (or at least don't really care if you are there or not)... I stay on the cautious side of that line where I just don't have friends any more, but it's not so fun on that side in my experience.

Yeah... I keep throwing myself under the bus because I don't want to find myself a total recluse - what on earth would I end up doing once hypomanic! (hahaha.... )

I just get frustrated with myself after I realize that I've basically just rejected myself due to tiny little instances. Like... I will always have solid reasons as to WHY I won't feel like I'm welcome - but to pretty much anyone else, they would be totally unconnected. I just experience a tiny little piece of rejection or change in someone's behaviour and I take it the rest of the way. It's frustrating and I know I'm not the only person who does that... I just don't know anyone who does it too.

I wish I knew more people with this. I too take rejection and or changes in people beyond the full way, I literally just don't want to talk or avoid them. I also hate listening to people for some reason probably because I don't really understand the point of it. It's weird but I had this clear moment of not caring what the other person changes when I felt more love for them. If I could be more relaxed and see those qualities, i think it makes the job easier.

I'm a hermit now; it's very relaxing but not very rewarding.

Work on a hobby? Work on a job? There's a lot one can do alone, IMO. It can be much more productive than with people.

Same, I just got told, "I don't get your line of thinking". It was basically about how I knew the person just wanted to **** me because they had better looking people available.

I do this a lot. Sometimes, I do it just so I have a reason to push them away. Getting too close to me is kind of suffocating after awhile.

I've interpreted simple facial expressions as rejection and never called the person back/talked to them again. If asked, I said they hated me or I bothered them

You aren't the only one. This is very common for me, especially the hypomanic "social abilities". I'd sometimes not want to come down from them, but it's not always good because it can make me irritable.

See, I don't want to be a hermit. I find that I need to be at home to recharge.... but it doesn't make me happy. I get way too restless, and get irritated/miserable when I feel like I'm trapped somewhere.

And unfortunately for me, when I'm hypomanic I have got ZERO attention span. I might go headfirst into some hobby obsessively for a few days... and then it's done and I probably won't go back to it for like a year. So... relying on hobbies is not reliable in my life! But when I'm in an up I do like people as that is when I want to be busy busy busy... and am most certainly too restless to stay put.

Red Panda: I am basically a hermit now too and it's not so fun - you are right to fight it. Keep it up!

IDoNotExist: I fully agree with you that it is relaxing/comfortable but very unfulfilling.

When get hypomanic (seems like it's been forever... wouldn't mind a phase of it right about now) I am more prone to socializing but mainly jump into more solitary activities/hobbies. But then I don't give a crap about those hobbies and then seem "not worth it" when I'm feeling down again. Makes me wonder if I have BPII.

Well, if you're hypomanic then it's bipolar

When I'm hypomanic, I'm right into EVERYTHING. Social things, solo things... I start a new hobby every dang time and then I get bored and don't go back to it, but I'll miss all those things. Usually once a year or so I'll go back to a hobby for a bit.

But yeah.

Back to my own topic of jumping to rejection...

I've been really irritated lately (going on three weeks now) and have decided that I have absolutely had it.

Basically, my friendships only exist if I contact someone. If I don't, then we don't talk. And that's hard for me, because it makes me feel like a POS and like I'm just annoying everyone.

So I'm done. I put the date I started into my phone, and I am not messaging a damn person. If they message me to talk and not because they need something, I'll record the date in my phone and will resume contact with them.

I just don't get why I'm not worth the effort, ever. Like... I TRY so hard to not be horrible, so what do I keep doing wrong??

I guess you're right, maybe I don't really have to "wonder" about that... I usually laser-focus on one main thing during a hympomanic episode. Been way too long since I had one - could really use one right about now.

Maybe your plan will help you decide who your real friends are... I did something similar but I also didn't answer most texts or pick up the phone if someone called me.

You are worth it and not a "horrible POS" I would say based on my time here. Most people are pretty self-absorbed and fickle I think.

If it helps, I'm very confident that I'm more annoying and more of a POS than you. Also much more horrible.

If you're truly ready to cut yourself off from everyone this will help and maybe make you laugh once or twice: How to Cut Yourself off from Society: 17 Steps (with Pictures)

I feel the exact same way!! It's so frustrating! Even my family does that so I don't talk to them unless they text me or call me first. I feel bad for it but what else am I supposed to do?

As an update:

I had the date Feb 8 in my phone as being when I started this.

Two of my friends, who are coworkers, I'm not counting for out-of-work contact really, because they do talk to me quite a bit and they both initiate things. So they're good.

Out of my friends in this city, I have had one person contact me. Because she wanted to go to a craft show and invited me along. So it had a purpose but at least it was doing something.

My out of town friends? Only one across the Ocean. Who has been mostly talking to me as he's depressed and knows that I'm a good listener. But he does put in some effort at least.

And my online friends.

I haven't spoken to anyone else. It's already been over a month for most of them, as I only made it an "official" record of dates after getting sick of the fact that no one ever contacts me - so it had been going on for a while!

That's the thing about friends. There are no true friends really. They will contact you when the want to go to a craft show and don't want to go alone or when they are depressed and need someone to feed their ego. That is only for illustrative purposes based on your post, maybe your friends are not like that. I'm generalizing here and only talking about 90-97% of humans.

And I believe if you think hard enough your reasons for talking to friends are similar (not you, all people including me). We want someone to spend time with so we're not bored, someone to make us feel good/cool/interesting, etc. Same reason we post on forums. If we make "cool" posts people here will think our opinions and advice are good/smart/interesting and respect us (what could be better than online respect?!).

But that is a super-negative view from an anti-social/social phobic loser don't believe it. But this is my reason for saying "f*** everybody" and withdrawing from society. But maybe it's because they're all playing a game that I couldn't fit in to and now I'm just bitter.