be a better avoidant

Have any of you tried to go that route?

It's when I try to interact more with people, when I try to trust people and open myself up for rejection, when I try to put myself out on a limb to help people, that I get depressed. 8 days in the hospital on suicide watch, that's pretty depressed.

Of course, being alone all the time leads to a sad existence. But so what, if I'm meant to be alone, then sad is just my normal. I should get used to it.

The problem is, that I can't extinguish my hope, let alone my desires, and I keep doing this self-esteem therapy that's all about trying to make me see how "good' and "worthy" I am, that I have decent qualities that I simply don't recognize, how much I have to offer other people, that my screwed up core beliefs are based on what abusive people told me, not reality (whatever that is) nor how I actually feel about myself, etc, etc.

But then I go out into the world trying to believe that crap, and I get more abuse or manipulation or get taken advantage of or am unappreciated, tossed to the side. I can be of use to people, but not much more. Okay, the self-esteem crap would say that I just haven't met the right people so I need to keep looking. Whatever.

I'm thinking of taking a new tack - to try to be more avoidant. Not schizoid, but rather take DBT training to heart and accept my reality. My reality is that what happens for other people just simply isn't an option for me. Period. Deal with it and move on.

Has anyone tried this? Did it work? Is that the key to avoidant satisfaction, committing to a hermit lifestyle? Did it turn around and bite you even harder?

I'm looking for an out that's not an out. It's intolerable where I am, it's intolerable moving forward and bringing people in my life, so maybe it's more tolerable to somehow brainwash myself into not caring, that's my thought process. I've just got to figure out how to do it.

Maybe Psych Central where you don't have to confront people but you can have virtual relationships. THat is how this former hermit copes to some extent.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Oh yeah definitely, plenty of times where I swear off other people's company.

"Hell is other people" Sartre

But in the end it just seems to set me back. So I take my loner time when I need it (I relish it) and I try to be forgiving of myself and others.

Other people, of course. But myself? Never.

I've been having similar kinds of thoughts.
I think there's something to the desire to connect tho. I lost that desire for a while it's only just sort of faintly in me now. Losing the desire is the worst. When that happened I didn't just lose it for relationships I lost strong feeling for anything.

So, I found a modification. I'm like you, wondering but have no idea if it'll work...

Part 1
I've often heard that I can find friends and like minded people if I share my interests. I've been told to do what I love and the social part will flow out of that action.
I've noticed that people that do something passionately do have friends and that even if the relationship revolves around the interest it can still have some closeness, a closeness mediated by the interest (kinda ideal for an avoidant, eh?).

Part 2
I'm alone because of my avoidance, my insecure avoidance. If I'm alone already I have more time so I can fill my time pursuing my interests. But if I lose my desire to connect with others I'll lose my desire to pursue my interests as well.

Part 3
I'll pursue my interests with passion because I desire relationships someday!

I go through cycles of fighting and embracing my avoidance. The urge to fight it, to be social "like everybody else", is strong and nagging. But what always happens is this: I finally muster up the courage to make plans with someone, meeting for lunch on Thursday, for example. But as Thursday approaches, I grow more and more anxious, and by Wednesday I'm already thinking up excuses should I decide to cancel. I should know by now that once the ''thinking up excuses'' phase begins, I've already essentially cancelled in my head. Then, the guilt over backing out makes me wonder if I shouldn't just give up and, as you say, be a better avoidant.

On the rare occasions that I do socialize, even if it isn't an agonizing, self-conscious experience, it's rarely all that much worth it. In my teens and twenties, before AvPD kicked in with full force, I remember having a lot of fun being social. But I just can't seem to get back into that groove. Maybe it's the years of mental health issues between now and then which have changed my ability to process the social experience so that I enjoy it.

So it's back to being a hermit again, which is fine, it's my nature and disorder. But then I get to a point where I say 'avoidance: enough is enough!'' and I start to pine away for social interaction again.

Back and forth. Rarely is there any middle ground.

Does anyone think that sticking it out in social situations rather than retreating back into avoidance can pay off? I'm not saying it would cure/stop AvPD, but perhaps not being so quick to get back into my shell might give me some skills or desensitize me to the unpleasant(for me) aspects of being with people so that I may be able to find that middle ground and just be more satisfied or content?