trusting yourelf

It's really common - like, nearly 100% - for avoidant people to say they don't trust other people. When I look at myself, I think that boils down to me not trusting myself.

If you say you don't trust anyone else to really love you, is that the truth? Other people don't have the right to choose, don't have valid feelings if they love you?

(BTW I am the queen of that - someone will say something to me, their own feelings, their own opinion about me, and I will try to accept it for a few seconds, and then come straight back with, "well, you're wrong." Pretty annoying habit of mine.)

Is it true that you don't trust someone will love you, or is it more accurate to say you don't trust yourself to be able to accept their love?

There's nothing crueler than to deny someone's love. The last time I was proposed to - swear to God - I laughed. I mean, it was ridiculous, someone wants to marry me? Hahahaha! But to be on the receiving end of that? I shudder to think. Which is why I think that everyone, across the board, would be better off if I wasn't in their life, because I do crappy things like that. It's driven by fear and avoidance, but still, unacceptable.

Getting off track. I urge you to examine your "I don't trust people" belief to see if it's accurate. Because it is easier to learn to trust yourself than a stranger, so if that's the case for you, then you have something you can work with.

ck2d I really appreciate your insights about avoidant personality. It makes sense what you say.

I feel bad for you when you say I encounter rejection all the time in my job so I sit back and analyze why I failed to get a sale. It is usually because I did not build enough trust before proposing the customer agree to my proposal. The other person may have just not established that trust with you. Okay you had your feelings of being unlovable so you laughed. If they really knew you well, then they would know you are not laughing at them. It was your coping mechanism to keep you from falling into social vulnerability.

If they did not bother to develop the relationship, marrying them might have been a short term relationship because that depth was not there.

Please even if you are just kidding, don't think you are not worthy and contributing to this community. I think you really provoked some thought in me and I am glad I met you if only virtually.

I find that with myself I will only trust so far and keep a distance many times in real life. Seems easier online than with real people. I have always had trust issues but never really understood it in my life. Real love is accepting someone warts and all and anything less isnt really love anyway. I know that trust is hard but friendship should come first and once that base is laid then other things can follow

Maybe it would be helpful for you to practice accepting other people's compliments by just smiling and saying 'thank you'. I used to reject people's compliments. But I stopped when I discovered that some of the things people say to me- even if at that moment I am disbelieving of it- puts kind of a compassionate seed in my mind. Then whenever I am in a dark place or very in need of kindness I can remember that thoughtful thing someone said to me and it comforts me.

Also I try to be very sincere. So when I tell someone a compliment I really mean it. And I've tried to make a habit that if I think something kind I remark on it (because I know how much it can mean) even though it can be hard for me because I am shy and a very poor communicator. So when other people say 'thank you' they are acknowledging the act.

Good advice.