borderline, avoidant or what. do you self-sabotage

I don't know what happens to me but it's the same pattern for all my life and I haven't gotten to go out of it.

I will try to explain it as good as possible. I'm just the opposite to Midas king. I don't change things in gold but in crap.
When things are going well for me, when I'm doing well in my recovery and people around me are proud of myself and I'm proud of myself,...I made something oppossite to what it's expected to do. As if I didn't care about others or myself. As if I like to be in the side of a sick person.
I guess I don't have to add here all the horrible things I think about myself in these moments for behaving this way. I'm even scared if putting it into words so I will avoid it.

This is something I realized now so never talked with my psychiatrist or my psychololist. I'm very confused just now.

I will put an examplo: guess that I meet a new friend and she wants to be my friend and has more contact with me and I was even the one who gave more at the beginning to get this friendship...well, I don't know why but I tend to withdrawl and put me appart as if I didn't want to mess up this friendship. Not sure about the deep reason. But, in the end it all result in me disappointing people.

There's this conflict or contradiction in us of wanting contact but being unable to fully commit. I've talked to lenghts about it with my T and he just doesn't get me saying I don't make any sense and it's my own decision to not have relationships, because other people have invited me to social events before.

So you desperately want a friend because you've probably been living isolated for some time. Then they suddenly invade your comfort zone and you panic. For me that's usually when they want to meet in real life, or even talk instead of type.

You're probably afraid of showing her you true self, feeling vulnerable. Maybe you put up a facade to make a good impression. But you're screwed if she ever sees your shortcomings.

If you truly care for her, then your fear of losing her might be amplified greatly. You know that the only way is to tell her about all your fears and hope she accepts it. We're not exactly known to take risks like that... but trust me that it could possibly lead to the deepest friendship you've ever had and make you feel great.

I wish you the best of luck if you decide to do that!

Hey, Azul.

I don't know exacly what you did, but remember the link I posted on the other thread? It lists some BPD traits under the AvPD. I don't think you should worry that much about being 100% sure of what is X and what isn't, even though I too wonder if getting a right diagnosis (whatever that means) would help me with my insights towards myself, for example, or with explaining to the few who are close to me how I'm feeling and the mechanics behind my acts.

That said, I do the same. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm really trying to pursue a friendship as I don't see myself putting that much effort into it, but sometimes I'm extra nice to other people, specially if they are nice too and we're sharing the same space, for example. It happens that they naturally want to get closer and look for a consistency, so I withdraw. I wonder if maybe a part of me wants to be liked and a part of me screams "TOO CLOSE! GET OFF!".

I agrre with AboutToCrash. If you care, maybe there's a way to mend that and retake from where you stopped.

The thing is that I came across this idea of self-sabotaging some days ago. It happens to me a lot. In many things. Not only with people conections. When I have the possibility to.connect with them and I have to give more of myself than writing; for example in an online friend I'm unable to have a voice or a video chat. Irl, it's the same. I have to have many confidence with this person or have the proofs that this person is understanding and is not going to be judgemental. I tend to avoid this situations. I'm very good at first contact. I don't feel pressure but then, I'm afraid of being unliked or they discover my problems.
I don't know if it has to do with my perfectionism.

I feel you. I'm really good with first contact (actually it depends on what kind of first contact it is) and I have no trouble dealing with strangers, for example. It's the people I see on a daily basis, semi-acquaintances or people I "know" in some way that make me feel pressured.

Is there any chance you may have opened up (making an advance in your relationship) to this person and then got intrusive thoughts of being judged about it which made you regret opening up in the first place?

Always this possibility of rejection is in my thoughts. I have always these prethinking and postthinking and while thinking.lol!
I know this is what stucks me to take risks. Although I changed a lot about it. It was worse before. At least, now I'm able to do many things and take a relatively functional life.
But, my main friends are online, because of the thing I mentioned about being confortable behind a keyboard.