[suze999]

I've been over-the-top irritable and anxious for over a month now, not continuously but way too often. My pdoc doesn't think it's hypomania, although he told me to call him if it doesn't improve with Ativan. I hate taking anti-anxiety meds, not sure why (Mother's Little Helper connotations, maybe), but I'm trying to do it. The Ativan helps, but as soon as it has worn off I'm likely to be right where I was. I'm walking around having imaginary conversations with people, and I know that stems from anxiety (ruminating, I'm told). Last night I nearly bit my son's head off -- he has Downs and doesn't understand, really freaked out and had to go to bed shortly afterwards because his tummy hurt...talk about guilt.

I'm working on this in therapy, trying mindfulness and exercise and all that. A lot of it is just the situation I'm in, nutso single mom of a disabled kid, career dead in the water because of it, no family support, father's out of the picture. Today I'm completely wound up again about something I had to do concerning my job that I know is going to make people mad, but they caused the situation and I had to fix it, anxiety or not. I'm much happier these days just hiding in the shadows, but sometimes I have to earn my pay.... So I took an Ativan and I'm calmer, at least not arguing with the air at the moment. My kid's going to be coming home shortly and I have to do something anxiety-inducing with him as well (cut his toenails...leads to his screaming and my inflamed thumb joints). I guess I am honestly concerned about leaning on Ativan too much, because at the moment I feel like I could just live on it around the clock.

At least it's McDonalds tonight, the big conditional bribe for getting our toenails cut, french fries as little magic wands.... We rarely eat out.

I'm probably just talking out loud here as well. Feel free to comment.