I am struggle to understand and I would like feedback, thank

Please give me any input!!! I can’t stop this alone

This is the first time in my life that I am accepting my bipolar disease. I was diagnosed when I was 13 years old. I went through struggles dealing with reality. I had no friends in school and people looked at me different. Along with my disability, I also suffered with ADHD, I felt like and idiot and since I didn’t have friends and would I found friends I could not keep them, their parents found me weird.

By the age 16, I went to jail and eventually self destructive. I was out of control with a high sex drive, stealing from my parents. I tried to suicide twice. The first time I suicide, I found that the people in the hospital made me feel comfortable. Once I got out, I just wanted to go back, so I attempted it again.

Moving forward to date, I am 33 years old and my impulses have gotten worse. I barely have a high school education and flunked out of college. I can’t keep a job and relationships. Further more, I cannot handle money.

Every relationship I have is me pushing them away and becoming manic and when I come down I feel guilty. Instead of working through my issues, I breakup with them, even way the beg for me back.

Working is another story, when I am on high; I have great ideas and am going a-mile a minute and no one can stop me but when I hit my low, I feel like everyone is out to get me, I am stupid and cant stop the thoughts. My impulses are powerful, stronger than my family, friends, and my boyfriends. When the episodes are done, I worry about the consequences and it will take a few days to get over it.

Most of time, no matter what people say, I think are the stupid and I will never see myself how other sees me.

I am very jealous of people that had a better life and it’s hard to like them. The side effect is I will take it out with anger and feeling numb to their situations because to me, it’s nothing to what I have been through.

I hate that my boyfriend went to prom, had friends and was popular. I hate that is sisters were homing coming queens and very popular. I feel that the rub the fact in my face that I failed at my job.

My friends always tell me I am so dramatic and that I need to get a hobbies but is hard to get a hobbies, if really don’t know your self.

For the 33 years, I have been full of empty promises. I need someone to tell me or at least understand me... I am starting group nest Wednesday and taking my medication as prescribed, but I think I need more support that’s why I am trying this out. Thank you to anyone who understands and gives me feedback and advice.
Pam.

Hi Pamela,
welcome to PC. One of my friends here has been bipolar for a long time. She isa very nice person to talk to. I will give her your name. Her name is Vickie In Phoenix. All the best to you.

what are the terms for the different word

Hi Pamela,
I went years before I was diagnosed and had no idea I had bipolar. In that time, I lived in over 20 homes, quit over 50 jobs and had a hard time finding and keeping friends. I have been divorced and almost got divorced another time.

I was on a path toward ruining my life and the lives around me. Now that I have meds and therapy, I am working my way back. It's a long hard road, but it can be done.

I wish the best for you.

thank you, finally someone understand how tough it is and how powerful bipolar and what it can do to your life

it's tough excepting the diagnoses and even tougher to seek help. kudos to you for doing it. alot of your story rang true for me and i suspect others as well. i think my first episode was when i was 12-13 and has steadily gotten worse. I was not sure what the problem was until after two yrs of depression i got help. after a yr and a half my meds are almost right or as right as they can be. I'm still trying to mend the fences of friendship i took a wrecking ball to but at least i have a chance to do that. i almost didn't. it can be a slow and arduous path to recovery, hopefully we all can help.

Hello Pamela,

I am the woman that Lynn P. told you about. I am writing to you to tell you about me and to give you some suggestions on what you need to do so that you can have a better life.

I have had bipolar illness since I was a very young child. I am 56 years old. I was treated for depression beginning in my 20's and then officially diagnosed with major depression in 1985. That was a wrong diagnosis. I was correctly diagnosed as bipolar in 2004. I studied bipolar illness and it became apparent that I had bipolar since I was a child. Only back then they did not know it was bipolar and my behavior was terrible. My mother abused me because she didn't know what to do with me. I had difficulty in school even though I was very smart. I did graduate from university.

I have been hospitalized several times with depression and can tell you that the only way to live well with bipolar illness as severe as yours is to take your medication and take it every day. You cannot quit taking it. You must take a mood stabilizer to stop the mania. From what you are saying about your illness, it sounds like the mania is the biggest part of it and it must be controlled. It will continue to control your life if you don't control it. Also, if you can manage it, therapy would help you to learn to deal with your illness. Bipolar illness is a mood disorder and has a chemical basis to it. It will not go away. You must treat it with medication.

Lots of people find mania very exciting. They stop taking their medication because they like the mania. I would advise against this. It will eventually ruin your life. It would be better for you to learn to live in a calm and predictable manner. If you take the correct medications, the impulses and crazy behaviors will go away. Do you take medication for ADHD? I am worried that the medicine you take for ADHD might be causing problems in the bipolar.

I am usually online every day at some time. Please feel free to post and ask any questions you may have. There are many other people here who are bipolar and know quite a lot about their illnesses and can help you with questions you may have. We will be happy to help you. I hope you can see a doctor and start taking some medication that helps you.

Lots of hugs.

Dear Pamela,

You are certainly not alone. I also have bipolar depression and was diagnosed at age 30. I am now 48. You need to promise yourself that you will take the medications on time daily. That is what will save you from having the bottom drop out. If you are having breakthrough highs and lows, talk to your doctor at once to get your medications adjusted. Set your sights on achieving less difficult goals and then build from there. You can do it but remember to take those meds, see the doctor regularly and perhaps look at going to therapy, too.

Pamela, Hi I have a teen son, a sister, a nephew and a boyfriend who is bipolar. I myself deal with depression. The Med issue is a big one. It would be helpful to have 2 people you believe have your best interest at heart call to remind you to take your pills. Say one in the am and one in the pm. Let them know that you might get grouchy with them during mood swing times but to have them be persistant. You are right in that this is not some thing you can do totally on your own.

I know pychiatrists that will not see patients that come alone. They must brig support people to sessions to make progess possible.

I have found many helpful, caring and wise people here. Don't be afraid to ask.

I will give a little high tech medical infor I just found. When you are in a full manic episode the reasoning and limit setting part of your brain shuts off electrically. It does not become fully functional (98%) for 100 days!!!! So, for every manic episode you have 3months of followup that you are still unable to make sound decisions. This is why meds are so critical. Once you can stabilize your moods and get on a preventative then you can attempt to rebuild. And YOU CAN DO IT!

I'll pray for you too.

Thank you all for the advice gave me; I don’t know what to say. This is the first time that anyone can relate to me and it’s great to know that I am not alone.

I was in a chat room for the first time and I realize that it’s okay to talk to others who understand.

People came into the room ant were able to speak free and were both giving and receiving support. I have no idea if this is a mania stage; if I crash, I know that I am not alone.

I hate to take up your time but I am wondering about the treatment for the mania, it sounds like there’s a separate drug, a mood stabilizer.

I am taking Lamical and Ritalin for both my bipolar and ADHD. I am up to 200MG of lamictal and 20 MG pf of Ritalin. Also, instead of the Ritalin, do have any advice for my ADHD?

In addition, I take a heavy does of sleeping pills and drink excessive amount of beer, almost every night. Please let me know what you think!

THANK YOU, THIS IS BECOMING THE BEST 2 DAYS THAT I HAVE HAD IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.

Thank you all for the advice gave me; I don’t know what to say. This is the first time that anyone can relate to me and it’s great to know that I am not alone.

I was in a chat room for the first time and I realize that it’s okay to talk to others who understand.

People came into the room ant were able to speak free and were both giving and receiving support. I have no idea if this is a mania stage; if I crash, I know that I am not alone.

I hate to take up your time but I am wondering about the treatment for the mania, it sounds like there’s a separate drug, a mood stabilizer.

I am taking Lamical and Ritalin for both my bipolar and ADHD. I am up to 200MG of lamictal and 20 MG pf of Ritalin. Also, instead of the Ritalin, do have any advice for my ADHD?

In addition, I take a heavy does of sleeping pills and drink excessive amount of beer, almost every night. Please let me know what you think!

THANK YOU, THIS IS BECOMING THE BEST 2 DAYS THAT I HAVE HAD IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.

Thank you all for the advice gave me; I don’t know what to say. This is the first time that anyone can relate to me and it’s great to know that I am not alone.

I was in a chat room for the first time and I realize that it’s okay to talk to others who understand.

People came into the room ant were able to speak free and were both giving and receiving support. I have no idea if this is a mania stage; if I crash, I know that I am not alone.

I hate to take up your time but I am wondering about the treatment for the mania, it sounds like there’s a separate drug, a mood stabilizer.

I am taking Lamical and Ritalin for both my bipolar and ADHD. I am up to 200MG of lamictal and 20 MG pf of Ritalin. Also, instead of the Ritalin, do have any advice for my ADHD?

In addition, I take a heavy does of sleeping pills and drink excessive amount of beer, almost every night. Please let me know what you think!

THANK YOU, THIS IS BECOMING THE BEST 2 DAYS THAT I HAVE HAD IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.

Thank you all for the advice gave me; I don’t know what to say. This is the first time that anyone can relate to me and it’s great to know that I am not alone.

I was in a chat room for the first time and I realize that it’s okay to talk to others who understand.

People came into the room ant were able to speak free and were both giving and receiving support. I have no idea if this is a mania stage; if I crash, I know that I am not alone.

I hate to take up your time but I am wondering about the treatment for the mania, it sounds like there’s a separate drug, a mood stabilizer.

I am taking Lamical and Ritalin for both my bipolar and ADHD. I am up to 200MG of lamictal and 20 MG pf of Ritalin. Also, instead of the Ritalin, do have any advice for my ADHD?

In addition, I take a heavy does of sleeping pills and drink excessive amount of beer, almost every night. Please let me know what you think!

THANK YOU, THIS IS BECOMING THE BEST 2 DAYS THAT I HAVE HAD IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.

Bipolar and excessive drinking usually are a very bad mix. At least they are for me. I don't drink at all anymore. Whenever I did go through a period of heavy drinking I always ended up in the hospital. It triggered mania and delusions, risky and self-destructive behavior. It also interferes with the effectiveness of your meds. Please try and get some help to stop the drinking. It will help you so much in dealing with your bipolar.

(it was great chatting with you last night)

Hi and welcome, Pamela! I have also been bipolar for nearly my whole life and went through the "hyperactivity", "depression" and finally "bipolar" diagnosis chain. I have dysphoric manias, where although the mood is mainly depressive, I am restless and agressive and highly anxious. I have gotten myself quite the reputation as a loose cannon. Only recently have my meds been straightened out to the point where I really feel normal, I guess. Glad you stumbled in on us! Hope you keep coming back.

Only a thought, what has your Pdoc said to you about ritalin and bipolar? I can't think of a substituet just now, but i know that we have to watch out for anything that might be addictive and/or a stimulant. I have even had to cut down on my beloved coffeeTake care of yourself now, and stop worrying about how everyone else has it. You've got us now.

Thanks 4 the advice, I am starting to figure out if i also have a drinking probem or is it self medicating?

Thank you. I am actually for the first time in 13 Yrs i am not alone! I am in a hyper manic stage, i know or at least somewhat understand that i do have bipolar and am finally accepting it.
Thanks

in ur agressive moment, what are your actions and is there constant guild aferwards?

also, do u take sleeping pills, I need them when i am sober to fall asleep. and when i combine them both, fall asleep faster.

Uhm, ok, when I get agressive I scream horrible things at people, smack (my kids), I have thrown a bowl of potatoes at my husband, nearly gotten in a fight with a guy who tapped my car (luckily he was a Swede and simply ran away rather than take me on) with his at a light to make me go when I couldn't. That's just some of it. Also a fair amount of self harm, I won't go into it for the sake of others here.

One bizarr thing about my illness is that if I can get myself horizontal, I usually end up sleeping at least 5 hrs. The trick is getting me there. No, I have not used sleeping pills. My father is an alcoholic and I leave that stuff alone. Alot of my medication over the years has been sedating, so I suspect that that has helped the sleeping. There have been times when I could go on very little sleep, but I was warned about that already in college. It's nine-10 o´clock in bed for me with very, very few exceptions.

Guilt. yes, very much so. Follows me today. I have tried to contact, apopogize to and explain my actions to those I can, but in the end I can't demand forgiveness, only ask for it. Hardest to forgive myself, and that's where the depression can come in. But as they say, "do you think you are so special that only you can't be forgiven" ? I'll leave that too be understood as you want to. take care!

Ritalin is a stimulant, similar to amphetamine. I suspected that you were on it for your ADHD. Chances are that if you take a mood stabilizer you may not need anything for your ADHD. I am not a doctor. But I believe that it is not wise to take a stimulant when you have active mania and also, it makes sense that the Ritalin would induce a manic episode. Please check with your medical doctor about this. It may not be a problem but it's best to be sure.

Mood stabilizers are Depakote, Lithium, Lamictal, Topamax, Tegretol, Neurontin, and Trileptal. There are also some newer ones.

Also, it is not advisable to drink alcohol with bipolar drugs. Mixing drugs with psychiatric medications is very dangerous. It can lead to alcohol poisoning plus it makes it hard to tell exactly how effective the medications are. Once you get on a good combination of medications, it won't be so tempting to self-medicate with alcohol. I self-medicated with alcohol for a number of years and then decided I didn't like who I had become and went to AA and quit drinking.

I do not have ADHD but have problems getting myself moving and doing anything. My pdoc put me on Concerta after trying out Ritalin. (Concerta is long acting ritalin) I am only on 36mg but it helps me. If I start to move into hypomania I am supposed to stop taking it temporarily. It works for me. I hate it when I can't take it as it really helps me. It also has a slight antidepressant effect.

I'm glad you all have posted...it has definitely made me feel better I am hoping this site will help me cope, or even encourage me to get professional help. Thats the hardest part...admiting to a stranger that you have a problem..in person.