[JourneyUpward]

This morning I had an appt with my Pdoc. I sat in the closest chair to him--until now I always took the spot furthest away. I didn't let my husband come in with me. (Doc was always fine with it.)

Anyway, I think these 2 things told him I finally was ready to trust him a bit. Up until today, I wasn't & I'd sit as far away as I could.

I trusted a little. First I told him that if he planned on writing another script for Seroquel I won't take it. I have awful side effects. He gently told me why he felt it is important to keep on it. I calmly told him "no, I won't". I was honest-right up front. I've always followed his meds plan--until today. So he's tweaking the other meds I'm currently taking and I'm fine with that.

He asked me a few questions which I easily could have lied about--but I was honest. I could tell he realized I was finally choosing to truly work with him. And I found the man really has a heart. He was a good listener, was open & honest about his thoughts--but he was calm & gentle when I really needed it.

I gave him everything he needed up 'til today to understand what goes on in my head, heart & emotions during those ups and downs. And the thoughts and feelings that are behind those short notes on the daily mood chart he asked me to keep for him. It's very helpful.

I told him all the dumb things I did (nothing gory) that could have caused me serious injury. I told him the typical pattern I follow, what I do, what I get & how I prepare when I feel I want to check out--but I've never actually taken that last step. Everything--the things that have caused me to spike up or down severely.

I am amazed! He always seemed so distant, very reserved and proper. He always seemed to be mainly interested in getting the meds right and nothing else. I guess it was me not letting him in to what he calls the "garden of my heart".

(My Pdoc used that term once to my hubby. Pdoc said I keep one little old section where nothing can grow closed to my hubby. It's where all the deeply painful things from the past are and it's fenced and locked. Pdoc was exactly right)

Anyway, I finally like and trust the man. Yesterday I was seriously thinking of making today my last visit. I am so glad I didn't leave after the last month's visit.

It felt so painful but there was so much relief after I spilled it all out. A few things, I never went so deep into even with my hubby. That heavy weight is gone. I wish the bipolar roller coaster left with it.

Anyway folks, I just wanted you to know that there are a few good guys out there. This guy was giving me space--he wasn't going to intrude. He waited (7 months!!) for me to finally take the first step and trust him.
And I do trust him now & I'm glad. Wow. Lesson learned.

Originally Posted by JourneyUpward

This morning I had an appt with my Pdoc. I sat in the closest chair to him--until now I always took the spot furthest away. I didn't let my husband come in with me. (Doc was always fine with it.)

Anyway, I think these 2 things told him I finally was ready to trust him a bit. Up until today, I wasn't & I'd sit as far away as I could.

I trusted a little. First I told him that if he planned on writing another script for Seroquel I won't take it. I have awful side effects. He gently told me why he felt it is important to keep on it. I calmly told him "no, I won't". I was honest-right up front. I've always followed his meds plan--until today. So he's tweaking the other meds I'm currently taking and I'm fine with that.

He asked me a few questions which I easily could have lied about--but I was honest. I could tell he realized I was finally choosing to truly work with him. And I found the man really has a heart. He was a good listener, was open & honest about his thoughts--but he was calm & gentle when I really needed it.

I gave him everything he needed up 'til today to understand what goes on in my head, heart & emotions during those ups and downs. And the thoughts and feelings that are behind those short notes on the daily mood chart he asked me to keep for him. It's very helpful.

I told him all the dumb things I did (nothing gory) that could have caused me serious injury. I told him the typical pattern I follow, what I do, what I get & how I prepare when I feel I want to check out--but I've never actually taken that last step. Everything--the things that have caused me to spike up or down severely.

I am amazed! He always seemed so distant, very reserved and proper. He always seemed to be mainly interested in getting the meds right and nothing else. I guess it was me not letting him in to what he calls the "garden of my heart".

(My Pdoc used that term once to my hubby. Pdoc said I keep one little old section where nothing can grow closed to my hubby. It's where all the deeply painful things from the past are and it's fenced and locked. Pdoc was exactly right)

Anyway, I finally like and trust the man. Yesterday I was seriously thinking of making today my last visit. I am so glad I didn't leave after the last month's visit.

It felt so painful but there was so much relief after I spilled it all out. A few things, I never went so deep into even with my hubby. That heavy weight is gone. I wish the bipolar roller coaster left with it.

Anyway folks, I just wanted you to know that there are a few good guys out there. This guy was giving me space--he wasn't going to intrude. He waited (7 months!!) for me to finally take the first step and trust him.
And I do trust him now & I'm glad. Wow. Lesson learned.

Thank you so very very much for sharing this. It is most up lifting post I have read in a very long time....
And the out come was a sucess.
7 months - and you weren't even honest with him - now that's a good therapist.
Now you can start on a new beginning - Fresh and honest.
Now you can really be able to open up to the process of healing.
Which of course is a slow process, BUT little bit is worth every SECOND.

[billieJ]

Wow - this is very inspiring. You were so right, took such a risk, and got such a return. You have an excellent pdoc, to do both meds and counseling with you. If I weren't a home owner, I would relocate to your area, just to sign up with him. Thanks for this! billieJ

Originally Posted by JourneyUpward

This morning I had an appt with my Pdoc. I sat in the closest chair to him--until now I always took the spot furthest away. I didn't let my husband come in with me. (Doc was always fine with it.)

Anyway, I think these 2 things told him I finally was ready to trust him a bit. Up until today, I wasn't & I'd sit as far away as I could.

I trusted a little. First I told him that if he planned on writing another script for Seroquel I won't take it. I have awful side effects. He gently told me why he felt it is important to keep on it. I calmly told him "no, I won't". I was honest-right up front. I've always followed his meds plan--until today. So he's tweaking the other meds I'm currently taking and I'm fine with that.

He asked me a few questions which I easily could have lied about--but I was honest. I could tell he realized I was finally choosing to truly work with him. And I found the man really has a heart. He was a good listener, was open & honest about his thoughts--but he was calm & gentle when I really needed it.

I gave him everything he needed up 'til today to understand what goes on in my head, heart & emotions during those ups and downs. And the thoughts and feelings that are behind those short notes on the daily mood chart he asked me to keep for him. It's very helpful.

I told him all the dumb things I did (nothing gory) that could have caused me serious injury. I told him the typical pattern I follow, what I do, what I get & how I prepare when I feel I want to check out--but I've never actually taken that last step. Everything--the things that have caused me to spike up or down severely.

I am amazed! He always seemed so distant, very reserved and proper. He always seemed to be mainly interested in getting the meds right and nothing else. I guess it was me not letting him in to what he calls the "garden of my heart".

(My Pdoc used that term once to my hubby. Pdoc said I keep one little old section where nothing can grow closed to my hubby. It's where all the deeply painful things from the past are and it's fenced and locked. Pdoc was exactly right)

Anyway, I finally like and trust the man. Yesterday I was seriously thinking of making today my last visit. I am so glad I didn't leave after the last month's visit.

It felt so painful but there was so much relief after I spilled it all out. A few things, I never went so deep into even with my hubby. That heavy weight is gone. I wish the bipolar roller coaster left with it.

Anyway folks, I just wanted you to know that there are a few good guys out there. This guy was giving me space--he wasn't going to intrude. He waited (7 months!!) for me to finally take the first step and trust him.
And I do trust him now & I'm glad. Wow. Lesson learned.

[BNLsMOM]

This is so excellent. I feel better about my p-doc but I don't have total trust yet. Your post shows that maybe someday I will. Thank you!

[VickiesPath]

***** Caution: May be triggering.******

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciated reading it. I can see where it would be hard to trust pdoc with your deep secrets. You were very brave.

I have never had trouble being honest with the professionals. I have always figured I better be honest with them in order to get the best care I can get.

The problem I've had has been being open and honest with my loved ones. There always has been so much about my illness that was embarassing to me; well, not embarassing but just hard to talk about. The details of what I did when on the verge of suicide, the preparations, the thoughts, the gathering of items I need, etc. I never was honest in a very long time. The last time I was honest was over 20 years ago and it caused a lot of pain with the man I was married to. He caused me additional pain because he thought that he could fix me. It was horrible.

Recently, in the last year, I was hospitalized with a serious depression. First one I've had in many years. It followed two years of tragic incidents that occurred with my loved ones and I didn't have any breathing space between incidents. Everything snowballed. Anyway, after the crisis was over, I asked my husband if he wanted to know the details. He had been at work when I met with my doctor and we decided on the hospital for me. He said yes. So I told him. He was visibly shaken. But, it was important for him to know. I decided that I wasn't going to hide everything anymore. I was terrified to tell him but it turned out ok.

[Berries]

(((((JourneyUpward)))))

Kudos. Good on you!!! Way to go!!!!

[thinker22]

I think everyone on the bipolar forum is pretty damned brave and courageous. We have so many gifts and yet a major weakness and strength that is bundled together without hope of a cure. Yet most of us choose to fight on no matter how hard it gets. We eventually tell our loved ones (a huge step), we seek out help. We go to the hospital even when we don't want to. We bare our souls to strangers if there is even a slight glimmer of hope that our symptoms could be reduced. We take the pills we're given even when most have terrible side effects in the trust that some day we will find a combo that has the most benefits and least bad reaction, for a 2 step forward and 1 step back response (instead of the other way around).

This is our life and we're determined to live it and make ourselves and the world a better place. We're privileged and crippled, but we refuse to be victims. We're stronger than the average person, because we have to be to survive.

[BNLsMOM]

Thinker, you rock.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by thinker22

I think everyone on the bipolar forum is pretty damned brave and courageous. We have so many gifts and yet a major weakness and strength that is bundled together without hope of a cure. Yet most of us choose to fight on no matter how hard it gets. We eventually tell our loved ones (a huge step), we seek out help. We go to the hospital even when we don't want to. We bare our souls to strangers if there is even a slight glimmer of hope that our symptoms could be reduced. We take the pills we're given even when most have terrible side effects in the trust that some day we will find a combo that has the most benefits and least bad reaction, for a 2 step forward and 1 step back response (instead of the other way around).

This is our life and we're determined to live it and make ourselves and the world a better place. We're privileged and crippled, but we refuse to be victims. We're stronger than the average person, because we have to be to survive.

Good Posting!

[Berries]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Thinker, you rock.

thinker!

[VickiesPath]

I do agree. Thinker, you DO rock. I so appreciate what you said. We are fighters. Many moons ago, I remember saying to hubby that I needed to find some people to talk to who understand what I deal with. And I immediately found PC.

And Thinker, I recently had a conversation with someone who explained the concept that environmental factors do influence whether and how the bipolar gene is activated in someone and I do indeed aquiesce to you and your assertion (bow). I was very presumpuous to disagree with you. I am going to do some more research on it.

All of you rock!!!

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

I do agree. Thinker, you DO rock. I so appreciate what you said. We are fighters. Many moons ago, I remember saying to hubby that I needed to find some people to talk to who understand what I deal with. And I immediately found PC.

And Thinker, I recently had a conversation with someone who explained the concept that environmental factors do influence whether and how the bipolar gene is activated in someone and I do indeed aquiesce to you and your assertion (bow). I was very presumpuous to disagree with you. I am going to do some more research on it.

All of you rock!!!

Please do share your research, Vickie, Ok?

[Yoda]

So very glad that you are developing a healthy trusting relationship with your psychiatrist. Seven months is pretty quick, or at least it is for me.

I also realize that my psychiatrist is human and fallible. I have know him for fifteen years or so and I am comfortable telling him anything. So when he screws something up or is rude I don't hesitate to chastise him.

At our last appt we talked for an hour. He had pissed me off the previous month and I was telling him how I felt about it and said, sometimes you are a d*** but I put up with your sh** because you are so damned bright. He responded, Yes I am but sometimes you are a c***. I said, well all my friends tell me I am a bit**. He laughed and said, honey, for you bit** is an understatement. I had to agree with him and laughed. It is so great to be able to talk so honestly with a doc you trust.

[thinker22]

Ahahahahaha! That was an awesome exchange Yoda! I swear it should have been on an episode of HBO's In Treatment. I'd vote for it in a heartbeat! I smell Emmy.

You rock!

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Ahahahahaha! That was an awesome exchange Yoda! I swear it should have been on an episode of HBO's In Treatment. I'd vote for it in a heartbeat! I smell Emmy.

You rock!

LOLOLOL

Yeah we could air that with the visit when I was complaining about my Emsam patches falling off my chest & arms when I carry fifty pound bags of horse feed & he went to the cupboard & got one & went to put it on my thigh & when he went to lift my skirt I said, oh you just want to touch me but I don't blame you, & he just looked at me like is she being serious or is she messing with me again? LOL Perhaps I shouldn't mess with people's minds that way but I am mischevious & it so funny to see how they will react.

I have such a good poker face my family & friends never know when I am serious & when I am joking. Last week a cop stopped me to tell me my registration sticker was dead & my performance was so good even my son in the car thought I was being truthful. Not even a warning issued, just advised to call the DMV & ask where is my sticker (that I haven't yet paid for LOL).

Naughty, naughty Yoda!!

[thinker22]

Yes, bad Yoda! My sticker will expire next week, but I paid for it 5 weeks ago! The darn CA dmv is so slow these days. I did my smog check 2 months ago. Whatever!

Sorry this has nothing to do with the thread.

to everyone. Therapy is so good when you have a great therapist.

[lonegael]

Jeeze, my pdoc makes me take my medicine all by myself. That's OK, since I think if he tried to lift my skirt I'd kick him in the face. Great to hear that you both enjoy the sessions so much!

[lonegael]

And yes, thinker, you do rock in a big way.

[certified]

You mean there are really psychiatrists out there who still do both therapy and meds?! My wonderful pdoc retired 2 years ago and all I can find are 15 minute med checks. Bipolar is such a complicated chemical mental disorder I don't believe anyone can correctly adjust meds in 15 minutes. One such doctor told me to cope using what I had learned in the past 15 years. Never went back.
Where do you live? Can I move there?

[thinker22]

I know. I feel like a lot of people on this site have a better therapist than me in the sense of being more available than just for each appointment, and then we're not even working toward goals. We've been doing sessions since May and I feel like all he wants me to do is talk about my week or else my past. It kinda bums me out. My p-doc only spends about 15 mins per session too, and then if I call her (like 3 times in 2 months), she sometimes doesn't get back to me for hours or at all. I hate one of my meds right now, and I really need a change. This is not good.

[scribbling2much]

I don't talk much to the PDoc except about meds, I talk to my therapist. I am honest, but I Don't think I know how to open my feelings

[thinker22]

My p-doc is different from my therapist. All the p-doc does (after the initial consult of about 30 mins) is talks about meds, if they're working or not and changes the doses, 10-15 mins tops. I suppose that's all I expected of her because I've read that's pretty normal for p-docs, at least for people on this site. I mean, they sort of communicate with each other, but the therapist is for life strategies/behaviors. The p-doc is only interested in if I feel depressed, too excited, or normal, and adjusts accordingly. No details necessary.