[VANCHIVADE]

Good evening. I am new here & wonder if there is a way to know what exactly it is that I have.

My 1st dx was about 13 years ago at age 26. MDD. Two years later I was dx as having Dysthymic Disorder instead, as I have felt this way my entire life and have never been so depressed that I couldn't function.

A few years ago I was dx with ADHD and Cyclothymic Disorder (from answers given to a questionnaire before she even spoke to me and from the fact that an increase in Lexapro made me very agitated, panicky, and irritable). For whatever reason, I was totally freaked out to think that I might be bipolar and I never went back to that pdoc. How could she dx me with a questionnaire? I went to the next pdoc, telling him nothing (initially) of my previous dxs and was dx as Dysthymic again. "Whew," I thought.

I am starting to wonder, however, if I may actually fall somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, but I don't know how to tell. I have some mania questions:

• Can mania or hypomania be extreme irritability, as opposed to feeling euphoric? Because I can tell you that I probably haven't been truly happy, let alone euphoric, in my entire life (which, BTW was/is a good life - great parents, decent marriage, no divorce, no physical or mental abuse, etc.). But I am always "down in the dumps" but fly off the handle (verbally) for no apparent reason. I constantly feel like I have so much anger inside, but I do not harm myself or others physically.
• I have always maintained that I have never had a manic episode. I had a roommate once that was bipolar and she literally stayed up once for 5 or 6 days. By the time her Dad came and took her to the hospital, she was dressed up for church, squatting in front of the TV watching a tele-evangelist while calling his toll-free no. and pledging money. I have never done anything of the sort.
  
  But then I started to think - maybe I have. I had a period of about a year (best I can remember) where I did things completely uncharacteristic for me & my conservative upbringing. I was in my early-mid 20s and that year I drank myself drunk most every night. I did things like drive drunk, drive topless down the main street in town (it was hard for others to see inside the car, but I did it nonetheless), after-hours skinny-dipped in several pools at apartment complexes in town, and slept with at least 15 -20 different men (all of whom I knew, but still...). I have always chalked that up to my rebelling a bit and just being young and single...but could that have actually been a manic episode?
• I have been on Wellbutrin 3x. The 1st was for smoking cessation & I honestly don't remember the dose, but no problems that I reacll. The 2nd time I went from 150mg to 300 mg, but 2 wks later Iwas so agitated and pissed off at the world that my pdoc suggested I go back to 150 mg and added in Zoloft. Most recently I was on Wellbutrin with Lexapro and the only effect I had was horrible clenching of my teeth.
  
  Lexapro also did the same thing to me the 2nd time I was on it. The 1st time I was on 10 mg only. The next time I tried Lexapro, when I went from 10 mg to 20 mg I felt like bugs were crawling on my scalp and on my skin. A week later my pdoc took me off, prescribed Lamictal, and I fled in a panic, never taking it. This last time I was on Lexapro 20 mg. I had no more irritation thatn I usually feel on or off meds.
  
  Does the fact that I had such extreme irritation and agitation mean anything if it didn't happen every time I tried those ADs?

Oh, my - I see this is already so long. I have more questions, and hope someone will be able to answer. I took myself off both Lexapro and Wellbutrin - cold turkey - 10 days ago and am feeling like I am about to loose my mind. I took some Valium I was prescribed several mos. ago (I have only taken it 4x in my life, but did double the dose today from 2 mg to 4 mg) just to stop all of the noise in my head. It has helped somewhat. I called my pdoc's office today & they are seeing me tomorrow morning. I will tell her everything I have said here, but just hoped that someone here could chime in with their thougts.

Thanks.

[VANCHIVADE]

I saw my pdoc this morning. By the time I got there I had convinced myself that I was going to be either put on a mood stabilizer or sent to the hospital. Neither happened.

I really like my pdoc. She took about 90 minutes to listen to me and help figure out what was going on. She said that I could stick to the SJW if I really wanted, but she didn't think it was going to help in the end. Cipralex (Lexapro) has worked for me in the past, and she prescribed that again and I agreed to take it. She did not want me to take the Elontril (Wellbutrin) yet. She wants to work on one med at a time so that she can figure out what med is doing what. Makes sense.

She also noted that the many things that made me think I was BP were actually anxiety issues and told me to take the Valium I have from my pcp (initially prescribed this past summer for lower back spasms) as-needed until I see her again in 2 wks. At that time if I am still having panic attacks (I didn't realize that that God-awful feeling I get every few weeks where I feel physically trapped and/or want to come out of my skin was a panic attack), she said she will put me on something for that.

[1963.Susan]

sounds like you're on the right track, Vanchivade. hang in there

susan