[1963.Susan]

after recently undergoing a severe depressive episode, lonegael suggested i make more tangible plans for dealing with it. since it peaked at church, and the people there didn't know what to do with me, i gave a few of them cards with the after-hours mental health crisis worker & instructions on how to reach that person.

a couple of them asked what to do if the crisis worker wanted me to go to the hospital - i said call my mother & she would handle it from there.

dear old mother is highly insensed at the whole idea - WHY did i even let these people (STRANGERS in her opinion) know how i was feeling - WHAT was i doing that they even knew i wasn't feeling well???? demanding me to explain myself. why didn't i tell HER instead (control issues)? aren't i embarrassed for these PEOPLE to know what i was thinking? that i should hide it & just keep it for family. said i am drawing her into a "web" (of deceit?) that she doesn't like.

well, these people are my friends, and i care about them & they care about me. my parents are in their 70's & while very helpful, are also OLD (apologies to any PC members in that age bracket). someday i may need to rely on FRIENDS to help me instead of them.

in my opinion the more friends i have who know how to help me (or get help for me) in the time of a crisis, the better! she is implying i am doing it for ATTENTION (something i have been told all my life).

i feel very confused.

It's a generation gap. Try not to let it confuse you too much. Just go on about what you are doing. It's unlikely your mother will change about this. You have to remember that seeking help for psychological problems just wasn't done in her generation. My parents are also in their 70's. Fortunately, they've been very supportive of me, but I think they me more of the exception than the rule.

[BNLsMOM]

You are doing the right thing Susan. Whatever you need to do to keep safe is the right thing, no matter what people think.

[leah0306]

Originally Posted by 1963.Susan

after recently undergoing a severe depressive episode, lonegael suggested i make more tangible plans for dealing with it. since it peaked at church, and the people there didn't know what to do with me, i gave a few of them cards with the after-hours mental health crisis worker & instructions on how to reach that person.

a couple of them asked what to do if the crisis worker wanted me to go to the hospital - i said call my mother & she would handle it from there.

dear old mother is highly insensed at the whole idea - WHY did i even let these people (STRANGERS in her opinion) know how i was feeling - WHAT was i doing that they even knew i wasn't feeling well???? demanding me to explain myself. why didn't i tell HER instead (control issues)? aren't i embarrassed for these PEOPLE to know what i was thinking? that i should hide it & just keep it for family. said i am drawing her into a "web" (of deceit?) that she doesn't like.

well, these people are my friends, and i care about them & they care about me. my parents are in their 70's & while very helpful, are also OLD (apologies to any PC members in that age bracket). someday i may need to rely on FRIENDS to help me instead of them.

in my opinion the more friends i have who know how to help me (or get help for me) in the time of a crisis, the better! she is implying i am doing it for ATTENTION (something i have been told all my life).

i feel very confused.

so sorry to hear your mother reacts that way, dont feel alone- i too have the same type, shes actually tried to blame my bpolar, anxiety,self-injury issues on SINS in my past- that JUST MAYBE i need to ask for forgiveness(although i have she believes i screwed that up somehow,too) I know how frustrating this can be, i just wanted to offer you sympathy and let you know that some people that attend church do look at mental illness as a character defect, or punishment(im not accusing all that worship, i myself go to church), but the stigma from some parts of the bible(casting out demons..) do sometimes skewer the idea of mental illness. good luck and stay strong

[1963.Susan]

yes, i have to do what is best to keep myself safe. and i do believe that it is best to have plenty of people who know how to help me.

my mother seems mostly concerned with
a) the fewer people who know how crazy her daughter is, the better, and;
b) that she be the one who ALWAYS knows how i am at every given moment.

she wants to have all the control & have me always tell only her how i am feeling. but i'm not always with her when it hits. and i don't volunteer the information, usually, but people can see something is wrong & ask, & so i answer them honestly.

she doesn't ask because, as you can probably see, we have control issues, and i don't like her to ask me how i am. but if she doesn't ask then i don't tell her. sheesh. what a merry-go-round!!!!!

[phoenix47baby]

It's okay to put your mother's concerns aside and do what is necessary for your well being. She is from the old school---keep everything inside the family and is worried about you guessed it, the stigma. Uggh! Just hang in there. You did the right thing.

1963.susan! (I'm guessing you may be a 1963 vintage, I'm 1962 and my mother's like the same age). Don't let her make you feel bad to lean on others as well. My mother doesn't even know of my bipolar, mainly because I don't think she'd take it well and at any rate, not in a way that would be helpful to me (she's very judgemental and was _furious_ with me -- behind my back, to my face, she just had major denial --with my first major depressive episode. That was 25 years ago. Now I'm simply more self-protective.) We always have to do what we know in our hearts to be the right thing for our own mental health, regardless of how others take it. You know what is best for you overall, and sometimes we just have to trust our instincts. You know you can always count on those of us who truly understand how it is... Stigma sucks and is very frustrating, so it's nice to be able to have a place where there is none. Lots of love and understanding to you...

[lonegael]

((((((Susan)))))) I'm sorry following my advice landed you in hot water with your mom. My mom comes from the same generation, and inspiteof the fact that she is better educated about mental illness than most in her generation, I have also gotten the secrecy line and the "doing-it for-attention" line. All to often a mixture of female sterotypes and MI stigma. I hope that you can still find a way to keep yourself safe, dear. Take very good careof yourself! Huggggs"

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Susan,
I don't know the history of your own experience -- some people seem to weigh in more heavily on the depressive side and others, the manic. In both scenarios, it may be necessary for those around the individual in crisis to step in, perhaps even assume control for a period of time. In a depressive episode this may be necessary because the individual lacks the energy, motivation or hope to do anything for themselves whereas in a manic episode, lack of impulse control and the ability to make good judgements might cause them to take actions that can prove dangerous or risky to themselves. In either scenario, there is a necessary invasion of boundaries and this can become problematic. It sounds as if some of this same dynamic is present in your relationship with your mother.

In spite of any resentment on your part however you also said something very interesting -- when you gave your friends that information you also told them to contact your mother in an emergency situation and she would handle things from there. This suggests to me that you do believe she is acting in your best interests and is the individual other than yourself who is best equipped to do so. I'm assuming this belief arises from a history of experiences wherein she has stepped in before.

I do agree that you need to pull in some alternate forms of support because your mother is not going to be able to assume that role for the remainder of your life, however I can also see that your mother's intent is a protective one that in some ways, you agree is necessary at times.

It could be that you were merely looking to vent and aren't looking for solutions, but if you're looking for something more than venting perhaps the following will be helpful...

- Sit down with your mother and explain that you think it's time you learn how to transition to other resource/support people. Ask her what her concerns are in that regard and even ask her what type of people or who among your friends and family she believes could be most helpful to you. (Remember, you don't have to follow her advice but she may have a number of insights and concerns that can help you make your best choices.) In my child's own case -- especially if they're manic -- they're often drawn to people who will assist them in enhancing or enabling the manic behavior as opposed to protecting them from it. Perhaps your mother is concerned the same may happen with you. However, if you can demonstrate to her that you're making wise choices from a stable position that might help reassure her that you're taking the appropriate steps to protect yourself, thereby freeing her of the task of having to do it for you.

- If you have a mania plan, drag it out and go over it with her. It might be helpful to establish when you consider it's appropriate for her to "assume control" on your behalf and also to talk about how you both know it's time for her to step back. Do the same with any other alternate caregivers/support people you bring in.

- If you find yourself with lingering resentment over events that have occurred in the past, try to move them towards resolution. Speaking as a caregiver, I feel the boundary invasions end up running both ways. In assuming control for my child, I can often end up feeling controlled by my child because my life goes on hold while I tend to taking care of theirs. I'm not saying as much to make you feel bad, merely to point out that resentments can build on both sides of the equation and this can lead to a deterioration in the quality of the relationship -- ultimately, that's a negative. Most of us are well aware that we need support from people who (ideally) love us so anything that degrades those relationships ends up working against us. I've sometimes considered that my own child and I could benefit from an impartial mediator that would help us detangle one from the other in the aftermath of a depressive or manic crisis.

No doubt, your mother is also aware of her age and has worried about what might happen to you if she's no longer able to act as a caregiver. On some level, she surely knows that you will need to find alternates but she may desire a role in the selection process or feel it's necessary she still serve in a supportive capacity and be involved in that process as you do so. Perhaps it will be helpful for both of you to think of this as a time of transition.

Speaking also as a person who has undergone some extreme states, I also know that my own sense of self-esteem and value can be inextricably linked to my dependency on others. I don't want to be dependent; I want to be able to stand on my own two feet; I don't want to have to justify my behaviors; I don't want to think of myself or have others think of me as weak or incapable in some way... This is part of what I bring to any sort of formal or informal caregiver relationship. As a result, finding peace and acceptance with them may also require that I be able to find peace and acceptance with myself. Sometimes in life we have to lean on others for a period of time to make it through. We can be our own harshest critic and we can take out our own feelings of self-rejection on those around us.

~ Namaste