[perpetuallysad]

So after about 4 straight months I'm free falling down into depression from a long, long hypomanic (sometimes manic) state. This is sucking royally. I'm so tired I feel like someone has drugged me. I feel upset, I want to cry. God, I thought I might have finally found some magic way to not be depressed anymore and I guess that didn't happen. I don't want this.

Now I am hating everything and just want to cry and cry. Should I keep taking my Invega? I don't want to anymore, seems like its what made me get depressed (ok, I know logically that's not it, but my brain says "stop taking that ****"). Why do I do this? Every time my mood changes I want to stop taking my meds?

Blah, blah, blah, blah and blah.

Thanks for reading this.

[lonegael]

I think part of it might be that as creatures, we have instincts that tell us to look for the ause of our problems in what we eat, our homes or our relationships. When we get stressed or upset, the meds become very easy to focus on as the cause from that instinctive reasoning. It is the wierd thing that you have eaten in the least twelve or twenty four hours, right?
Please get in touch with your pdoc and describe what's happening to them, along with your doubts about the meds. It helps if you aren't the only one who knows what's going on with you. Huggs, and I really hope you turn the corner soon.

[BNLsMOM]

I agree. You need to call your p-doc ASAP. Keep taking your meds as prescribed until you get further instruction from your p-doc.

I understand the desire to stop. I keep having these thoughts of tweaking my own meds. I won't do it, though. I am very careful about being compliant. If the urge becomes too strong, I will ask my husband to take over administering them to me. He has the full instructions.

Do you have someone who can administer your meds if the urge to tweak becomes too much?

[perpetuallysad]

Ya, my husband knows what I am supposed to take and everything like that. He is good at "gently reminding me". I forced myself to take them and I slept until 10 this am. ARG! That is so unlike me. I don't know. I started to feel a little better last night, but I feel like I am working through the thickest fog.....................blah.................

[1963.Susan]

((((((((((perpetuallysad))))))))))))))))

[cathylee]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

So after about 4 straight months I'm free falling down into depression from a long, long hypomanic (sometimes manic) state. This is sucking royally. I'm so tired I feel like someone has drugged me. I feel upset, I want to cry. God, I thought I might have finally found some magic way to not be depressed anymore and I guess that didn't happen. I don't want this.

Now I am hating everything and just want to cry and cry. Should I keep taking my Invega? I don't want to anymore, seems like its what made me get depressed (ok, I know logically that's not it, but my brain says "stop taking that ****"). Why do I do this? Every time my mood changes I want to stop taking my meds?

Blah, blah, blah, blah and blah.

Thanks for reading this.

I always think that I should stop taking my meds, too. Maybe the weather change has brought on the depression and getting in the light might help? I have never heard of that med you are on..........but I do know that after I am on one for a year or two, they stop working and I have to change. Since you can feel it coming and have some sense about you now, why not ask your doc for a fast acting antidepressant like prozac or add to the one now? I take Wellbutrin, and when I feel this coming, I take a bit more. I actually feel the same way right now, and am trying a new med, lamictal, but it is going to take a while for it to work. meanwhile i just stay by myself and try not to say or do anything that will harm anyone. Are you taking anything for the mania? If not, then you could have a REAL DOWNER coming , so you might want to act fast. But don't stop taking it, maybe adjust. I am sorry you are feeling this way. No one knows how bad it sucks unless you have been there.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks everyone. I swear I think its the Invega bringing me down like this. I've only been on it for six weeks. This is the second week after I upped my dose from 3 mg daily to 6 mg daily and the higher dose made me feel different overnight. At first I tried to wait it out and see if it would go away but I cannot keep going on like this. I feel scared when I try to drive my car, like I could just pass out any second. Not to mention that its really uncomfortable to constantly be drugged out tired like this. (And there are no positive feelings.) Everything that worked for me when I started taking Invega has gone away. I will try to get in touch with my pdoc and get the dosage adjusted back down, but for the meantime I am going to have to stop taking it. I have to drive and I cannot feel like I may kill myself or other people because I cannot concentrate.

By the way, I am also on Wellbutrin and xanax (as needed). I've been on these two for so long that I know its not either one of them changing me like this. I even tried switching to taking the Invega at night to try to sleep through the horrible feeling and it just hangs around for hours and hours. I finally get relief at night about an hour before I am supposed to take it again.

For some reason mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics make me narcoleptically tired. I was really feeling positive that this Invega wouldn't do that, but I guess it does.

WAHHHHHHHHHH.

[lonegael]

(((((Perpetually sad)))))) Aw, poor you, hon. I hope they find womething that works. Huggs.

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

So after about 4 straight months I'm free falling down into depression from a long, long hypomanic (sometimes manic) state. This is sucking royally. I'm so tired I feel like someone has drugged me. I feel upset, I want to cry. God, I thought I might have finally found some magic way to not be depressed anymore and I guess that didn't happen. I don't want this.

Now I am hating everything and just want to cry and cry. Should I keep taking my Invega? I don't want to anymore, seems like its what made me get depressed (ok, I know logically that's not it, but my brain says "stop taking that ****"). Why do I do this? Every time my mood changes I want to stop taking my meds?

Blah, blah, blah, blah and blah.

Thanks for reading this.

Please do not stop taking your medication. It may not even be the Invega.
It could just be anothe phrase your brain is going through.
You know with bipolar the ups and downs - then just when we think we've got the med.s figured out -
Bamb - Our brain flips a different.

I was in a big time depression for 2 months - THAT is NOT me.....
I thought I was at the lowest.
So an added medication - something I'd taking before but not with the other med.s I'm on now...
WELL that depression went away immediately.....

[klnoble]

Might it help to rename yourself? Something like hopetobelesssad? I get bummed seeing the words "perpetually sad."

I'm on this list because of my daughter's bipolar disorder, but I've been on antidepressants for almost 18 years. They changed my life, but I think I've also just outgrown some things and have learned some better coping skills. I was never manic, but my responses to the questions on the sanity test would have been very different in my 30s. I used to stress out about everything until I just crashed out with chronic fatigue. That was so awful that I made myself learn to cope better. It really seemed to work. Things still upset me more than they should, but I have learned to control things better. Some self-talk may help. It won't work without the drugs, but it helped me.

[perpetuallysad]

Well, contrary to good advice, I quit taking the Invega. This has not been a good thing at all. I am having a major bad time right now. I flipped out at least 3 times in the past 2 days and last night I thought my head was going to explode I was crying so much. Unfortuantely, my pdoc is in Texas at some conference and he doesn't have any other doc on call for him (I live in a remote area and he's one of 3 pdocs for about 100 miles in any direction). So I am totally freaking out. My anxiety and paranoia are through the roof. I can barely talk to my son or husband without wanting to smack them (I'm not a violent person at all, my frustration level is just through the roof). I'm so anxious that my stomach has been sick for days. I cannot think straight for the black depression that has so quickly settled on my brain. And to top it all off, my phone and internet have been out since Monday afternoon. So I've had no outlet at all and no one to reach out to all this time. I know I cannot take the Invega because I have to be able to drive to pick my son up from school in the afternoons. I don't have any choice. My husband takes him in the mornings, but I have to get him after school. The Invega was making me dangerously out of control. Bad motor skills, slow brain functioning. God, I wish my ****ing doctor would just be back home (he won't be back until next Tuesday) so he could change my dosage back down to the 3mg that I was originally on. I don't know about this. This is bad.

And I don't think I could change my name. I'm not much of a positive thinker and it wouldn't be genuine for me to pick some romantically happy name.

[lonegael]

(((((((Invega))))))))),oh, that sounds horrible! If your doc is out of town, do you thing that you can get to an emergency room if you are not feeling safe??? I know that you might not want to do that because of all the other feelings going on, but you might really want to consider doing that. You do not want to be that isolated and have that happen to you. I know. We have been with out power at times for over a week, and without telephone about the same number of times and the same durations.
Please take care of your self and the guys, OK? Huggs hun, thinking of you.

[perpetuallysad]

I wish I could get control of myself. The emergency room here is a joke and they don't have an actual psych unit, so I don't know if they would even pretend to take me seriously. A year ago I cut off the top of my finger and sat in the waiting room for over an hour bleeding everywhere-there wasn't even other people waiting, just ME. I don't have insurance and they know it, so I don't fall high on the priority list.

As per previous directions by my pdoc, I'm pretty much just taking the xanax (also my wellbutrin) every few hours and just trying to not lose it again. During the day (until 3) I'm by myself, so it is easier at least to not lash out at anyone. Of course, I still feel like my head is about to explode and my skin is just crawling. I'm so tense I'm grinding my teeth and my shoulders are at my ears. This is giving me a tremendous head ache and making my teeth hurt terribly. Yeah. This is awesome fun. But at least I have the internet back and can post on here. Thanks for talking to me Lonegael. Geezus, why am I like this? I saw an article on the homepage of PC that said something like "has being bipolar changed you?" AHAHAHA I don't even know what I am besides bipolar.

[1963.Susan]

can you try contacting one of the other 2 pdocs in the area?????
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
hang in there, perpetually sad. & i agree with you about NOT changing your name - your name is who you are.
sometimes when i feel somewhat like you are, a good shower helps - cold or hot. helps the physical sensations ease.

[perpetuallysad]

The shower did help, Susan, thanks. I took it as hot as I could deal with. The tension is really killing me though. I took a xanax a minute ago, maybe that will help some. I also submitted my disability application today, so I guess that's adding to the stress. I'm scared to death they are going to call me. I cannot talk to people on the phone, but if I don't answer, maybe they will think I'm out having a party or something?! I wish there were a way to accurately put into words how I feel. I wrote my husband a letter the other night in an attempt to help him understand. He's a sweet, sweet man, but he admits he really doesn't understand me. Thankfully he puts up with me though. When I feel like this, I feel like I am inflicting pain on those around me and that makes me want to leave so badly. Not because I don't love him and my son, but because I do love them and I think its not fair for them to have to be around me and get treated the way I treat them. I wish I could just disappear. Poof. Nothingness.

[lonegael]

PS, try to find some place where you can sit quietly. close your eyes if you have to and try to sit comfortably. Then, I want you to just think of your breathing. Note how it is, and for a while just feel how it goes in, and out. Don't try to change it. Just feel how the air feels going in and coming out, how your lungs fill, and empty. when you have don this for a while, start thinkin of a song, any song that you like, and breathe as if you were singing that song; short inhale, long sustained exhale. Take it easy, don't rush and stop if you start to feel dizzy. After a bit, you will probably notice your heart is slowing. This is a normal reflex coupled to this type of breathing, so just concentrate on the breathing.
It's not a cure all, dear, but I hope that it can help you maintain some calm until you can get help. Hang in there (((((((perpetually sad)))))))). Hang in there.