[Cheese24]

I used to be a member of this site 6 years ago, under a different name of course. At 18, I attempted suicide, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, placed in a mental institution, and forced to take multiple types of medication. My family thought I was not going to make it. It was the lowest point in my entire life.

You know what’s funny? I thought I beat this whole thing, I thought I was fine. I am 24; I turned my life around since then. I am about to graduated college in June, I am very independent, I live alone, and I stop taking all medication about 5 1/2 years ago. I thought I was doing good. I thought wrong.

I feel myself dropping and dropping fast. My routine is not working anymore. I normally run 3 miles, 4 days a week. I have not ran in a month. I have no energy; I just want to lie around. I am having trouble communicating. I know what I want to say but I can’t seem to find the right words. Last weekend, although I didn't go anywhere, I didn't take a shower for 3 days. I slept all day until 3:30pm today and had to force myself to clean up. It took me 30 minutes to clean up just my living room and it felt like 2 hours. My family keeps calling me on the phone and I have not answered the phone at all. I have not brought anybody a Christmas gift just because I don’t feel like leaving the house. Yesterday was my last day at work until the fourth. These next 11 days are going to be the toughest days since I was 18. The worst part about it is the holidays; I probably will not be able to get any type of appointment.

I guess there is nothing worst then knowing that you’re hitting rock bottom and there’s nothing you can do about it. Recovering this time is going to be much more difficult than last time. I guess I wasn’t fooling anybody but myself, this will always be a part of my life, there is no beating it. It comes back, if only a little bit at a time and then you soon realize that your back where you started.

[lonegael]

You know, there are a lot of people who have been where you are, myself included. This disease can have a very long cycle, such as in years or very short ones. I had to stop taking meds because I left the country and the new system wanted to do all the work form the beginning, then lost me Bad scene! In my case, the depressions were the thing that came back most often along with concurrent manic symptoms, but nowehre nearly as bad as they could have.
Don't give up on yourself. Your body has a short circuit and everything form faily low stress to a change in the wind can set it off. Can you get in touch with a p-doc? You might want to check in some stress managment courses or therapy. I found that that helped me ALOT. Hang in there. Good that you came back though. welcome!

[gravyyy]

Welcome back Cheese! Though I suppose you wouldn't be back if you were still feeling really well so boo on that. My suggestion to you would be to call someone ASAP. Obviously with today being Christmas that won't work out today but tomorrow try calling. Get online and Google therapists in whatever city you're in. You'll probably be able to get into a therapist before a psychiatrist so if I were you I'd probably try that first. Once you see a T, they can sometimes get you in with a pdoc quicker than you could on your own. It's worth a try at least I think. It's a rough time of year... not sure where you're at, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, winter months are dreadful for depression. Short days, yucky weather, etc. Please hang in there... remember that you won't always feel like you feel right now. Things have been better in your life and they will get better again... it's just a process and that's a bummer. Please keep us updated here. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

[phoenix47baby]

How awful for you to be feeling this way. your description of falling and not being able to put the brakes on is daunting. Please reach out to friends or family and talk about this. There is nothing like isolation to make matters worse. Know that you are an important member here and deserve to get the attention that you need. Please reach out and write back to let us know how you are feeling.

[Cheese24]

Thank you for the responses. I slept all day on the couch Christmas Eve and continue to sleep until 7:00pm Christmas day. I decided to visit my mother, being alone with my thoughts wasn't good for me then and it's not good for me now. She lives about 15 minutes away from me but I drove around for about 45 minutes, I really do not know why. I am going to sleep here for the night; I was driving almost zombie-like. When I walked into her house, I tried to play as if everything was fine. I cannot bear to put her through what I have already put her through, but the way she looked at me, I think she already knows.

I plan to contact a psychiatric on Monday; I hope I will get an appointment soon. I already know the name of the two meds I want but I wonder if he/she would prescribe them to me without trying to develop a treatment plan or trying to convince me to undergo therapy. I have never been in therapy but I do a good job of burying things and that is where I want to keep them. I also have a very difficult time socializes and pulling things out of me would definitely be a very difficult task for him/her.

Thanks again for the replies, I really appreciate it.

[FeelingHopeful]

AWW, I am also really sorry you are going through this again, I agree with phoenix 4 baby, being alone to deal with this will make it harder, im sure your family and friends will love to help you, let them help, Also like phoenix said, we are here for you on pc, so please give us updates, we all care about you!

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Cheese,
I just thought I'd take a moment to point out the positives...

1: You recognized you were sliding into a depressive state.
2: You took steps to get emotional support for yourself.
3: You already have some ideas in place for the type of professional caregiver you'd like to see and will take steps to meet with them at your earliest opportunity.
4: You have gained knowledge from your previous experience with medications, hospitalizations and depression and you're putting that to work for you right now.

It seems to me that those are all very positive steps in the right direction.

You know what’s funny? I thought I beat this whole thing, I thought I was fine. I am 24; I turned my life around since then. I am about to graduated college in June, I am very independent, I live alone, and I stop taking all medication about 5 1/2 years ago. I thought I was doing good. I thought wrong.

It sounds as if whatever was going on for you then, the coping skills you adopted were working quite well for you. It also sounds as if something has changed and what was working, is no longer working. That doesn't mean failure; it's doesn't mean you were wrong; it doesn't mean you weren't doing well before -- it just means that something has changed and you're adapting in a very positive and pro-active manner to those changes.

I am going to sleep here for the night; I was driving almost zombie-like. When I walked into her house, I tried to play as if everything was fine. I cannot bear to put her through what I have already put her through, but the way she looked at me, I think she already knows.

Whatever you all went through before, I'm sure that your mother shares your goal of wanting you to be well. Is it possible for you to stay for a few days, until you can get in to see someone?

I plan to contact a psychiatric on Monday; I hope I will get an appointment soon. I already know the name of the two meds I want but I wonder if he/she would prescribe them to me without trying to develop a treatment plan...

It's possible he/she might. Maybe you could use some time between now and then to research those meds in more depth so you're prepared to make a better argument on your behalf if you're not content with any counter-suggestions. Here's one article I'm very fond of -- it's written by Patricia Deegan a clincial psychologist who also carries a diagnosis of schizophrenia. Ms. Deegan makes use of medications as she finds appropriate and has learned a number of skills that she finds helpful when meeting with her psychiatrist. Perhaps there will be some ideas there that you can use to your benefit: Reclaiming Your Power During Medication Visits With Your Psychiatrist

Something else to consider, given your previous experience and diagnosis, you may be able to secure a visit with a GP sooner than a psychiatrist. If you feel medication would be your most appropriate form of treatment right now, it's possible a GP could get you started on that path sooner than a psychiatrist. That's not always the recommended option but outside of an ER department, it's probably the quickest one.

... or trying to convince me to undergo therapy. I have never been in therapy but I do a good job of burying things and that is where I want to keep them. I also have a very difficult time socializes and pulling things out of me would definitely be a very difficult task for him/her.

There are many forms of therapy and a therapeutic relationship doesn't always mean exploring the depths of your past. For example, some forms of therapy focus more on skill-building and developing goals that will help move you forward. There are also alternatives to a therapeutic relationship that can be beneficial, such as peer-based support or self-help workbooks. The question of therapy is probably one that doesn't need to be answered right at this moment -- can you set it aside to deal with at a later time, if it needs to be dealt with?

Best of luck to you.

[VickiesPath]

I applaud you for taking the positive actions that you have taken. I have dealt with bipolar since I was a child over fifty years ago, sometimes medicated, sometimes not. I barely made it through college.

There are new medications and new ways of medicating bipolar disorder coming out every day. Put your trust in your doctors at least a little. I know that you have an idea of what you want but you have been away from treatment for a while so have a little bit of an open mind.

There is nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel that you have failed. Bipolar runs in my family very heavily. There is no way that I could have avoided being bipolar because it was simply in the gene pool for me. It was a genetic crap shoot and I lost. Oh, well.

Be gentle with yourself, you will be ok. Let the professionals help you and you will be doing better in no time. Let your family help, too.

Keep us posted.