[Gioia]

Hi there, I'm 30 yrs, married mum of one. I'm sure I've got BP, all the signs have been there since my early teens. Periods of depression, interspersed with times of great energy, creativity (art mainly), running headlong into new endeavours with little or no thought to the realistic consequences. Then over socialising, drink and drug binges, sexual promiscuity, followed by another inevitable crash.

Friendships have always been difficult for me to maintain, I have had many different groups of friends, with friendships only lasting a maximum of 6 years before I stop communication, lock myself away... don't know why.

Recently I've been self medicating with alcohol, not every day, but at least 2 binges a week, drinking about treble the recommended safe drinking units per week for a woman in those 2 sessions. Have also been using cocaine about twice or three times a month during these sessions.

I have eating disorders, generally starve, binge and purge. I tend to binge and purge during depressive times and over exercise and starve during hypomanic. Most of the rest of the time I'm okay.

My marriage is in crisis, I've been trying to escape from my problems through using the internet, alcohol and inappropriate cyber relationships. I've been very snappy and angry with him and have found it hard to cope with my 4yr old son.

I really need someone to talk to. I'm going back to the doctor on Monday, to sort out some medication. I just feel like I'm either on top of everything and able to cope with anything or the total other end of the scale.

I started meds again today back on Sertraline, figured it was better to take something until I see the dr again than nothing. Getting in touch with community mental health service tomorrow as well as getting meds sorted. My husband is being very supportive, but have no energy to do anything other than sit here on the sofa today. Still not washed or dressed from yesterday morning. Can't cope with doing much of anything. Brain is numb. Need to, I don't know, feel like I need something and I don't know what. Don't know if this makes any sense.

Nothing is satisfying today. Just wish I could fall asleep and just sleep through it all. Want to be left alone today. Things would be much easier if I was just on my own. Feel guilty for telling my husband how bad things are, because he's worried, and to be honest, don't know if I want to be with him so feel really unfair for loading him with something again that's not his problem.

Just read that back and realised how selfish and self-centred I am, I hate being me. I switch from feeling self pity to self loathing, aaaaaaaahhhhhh I can't handle this!! I feel guilty for bringing this all on myself and my family by not being vigilant enough with keeping an eye on my meds, or responding to warnings from those close to me that a crash was on its way.

Sorry for rambling, needed somewhere to get this off my chest.

[BNLsMOM]

I understand many of those feelings.

You are doing the right thing by getting back to doctors and back to meds. Be careful going on meds by yourself. Make sure the doctor knows all of this no matter how you feel. The doctor needs all the info to be able to treat you properly.

[1963.Susan]

(((((((((((gioia)))))))))))))))))
glad you're going to see the doctor. please make sure he knows about the drinking & the cocaine because it could interfere with the meds he might want to try you on.
we all feel self-centered sometimes because we HAVE to keep an eye on ourselves to see which way we're swinging.........
i don't loathe you.

[lonegael]

Hi. Post away! That's what we're here for" If you haven't been diagnosed, then you probably aren't on the meds that can help you, so don't get so rough on yourself. Talk to who ever you are seeing for meds and let them know what is happening to you. Neither you or yours should have to go through this unnecessarily. Huggs, and i hope to hear what happens!