[Amy79]

I am a 30 year old female, and my mother was recently diagnosed with manic-depression last year after she had a severe manic episode and ended up walking out of the house in the middle of winter with no shoes on, and going to a nightclub to tell people she was speaking to Jesus. It sounds humorous, but she started dancing on broken glass and cut her feel up horribly. This incident subsequently landed her in the mental wing for a few weeks, while she could be properly medicated and supported.

Things aren't getting much better though.
For instance,yesterday she saw a photograph of her that I'd posted on my Facebook page that she didn't like (we felt it was good for her to socialize through social media...) and she wrote the words "slut" over and over again on my wall ( and if you knew me, I'm anything but) I burst into tears, and cried for a few hours, and after talking to my brother got some perspective on it, and replaced the hurt with compassion for her. I'm just so sad that the mother I knew seems to be completely gone, and I don't even know this woman anymore. Has anyone else seen their loved ones slip away like this?

It's Christmas time and my dad just told me not to bother coming back because it's only going to hurt me, as she's going through severe depression, which I understand... it's just so hard.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Amy,
Yes, it is hard. It's hard for the individual going through the crisis and it's hard for the people around them. It seems to be acknowledged that bipolar disorder can wreak havoc on an individual's personal relationships with others. I'm assuming most of that damage occurs as a result of mania but not always -- the first time my child made a suicide attempt I experienced it as a form of betrayal because I'd been doing everything I could to try and keep them alive. I was hurt, angry and frightened.

I'm still learning about bipolar disorder and especially, how it manifests in my own child's life. One of the things I am learning is that when someone is caught in the grips of a manic episode they do not have the same degree of self-control we might expect them to have and may behave in a manner that is otherwise, entirely out of character.

I've likened the manic state to someone who has had far too much to drink at a party and perhaps behaves in a manner they might later regret as a result. For those who are present at the same party we might understand that the only reason they hit on the host's wife, or knocked over the expensive lamp, or laid a punch on the jaw of the host is because they had too much to drink. But knowing as much doesn't take away the offense of the hosts, the broken lamp, or the pain of the punch -- it simply helps us understand why it happened.

The behaviors you describe above seem to correlate with a manic state. It's hard to deal with because there is the person you have known and loved, doing and saying things you wouldn't have expected them to say or do. I have had to often remind myself -- this is the disorder, this is not who they really are.

The good news is that a variety of treatments are available that can help people to greater or lesser degrees and your mother is receiving professional help. In some cases, people can stabilize very quickly. In other cases, it takes longer. We can hope for the former but we may end up getting the latter. We have to be patient and we have to hang in there if we can because relationships like the mother-child relationship are too important to let go of.

Meantime, what I would suggest to you is to learn everything you can about bipolar disorder. Many sites will offer up some clinical lists of symptoms and this can be helpful but what's also helpful is to learn from people who are actually struggling with the disorder. You can do that by participating at sites like this one, even if all you do is read -- you will still learn in the process.

It will also be helpful to learn to recognize the phases of the disorder. Previously, your mother was in a manic phase. Now, she's in a depressive phase. It seems appropriate that we respond according to the phase they are in.

In terms of my child, I've learned that when they're manic, I need to set boundaries to try to protect them but also to protect myself. For example, I lock up my car keys so they can't take my car in the middle of the night. This helps protect us both. I'm also learning where I can go and who I can talk to when I'm feeling overwhelmed, hurt or discouraged by some of the baffling behaviors. There is far more tension and distance in our relationship when they are manic.

When they cycle into a depressed state however, the situation requires that I behave in a different way. When depressed, they need me with them. This is when the impact of their manic actions begins to weigh terribly on them and they feel intense remorse, shame and self-recrimination. They are often far more open to my help and if they push me away, it's a form of self-punishment. Much as I might need the opportunity to clear the air, they don't want to discuss their previous behavior. It might be better to wait until they have reached a period of sustained stability before doing so.

Whether or not you should go visit with your family over the holidays depends on a number of factors such as how far away they might live. Do bear in mind that your mother is in a different phase now and will likely respond differently as a result. At minimum, I would encourage you to try and stay in contact with every member of your family because you're all going to need each other's support and understanding. This may be especially true of your father who likely, is continuing to work and trying to care for a spouse who's ill at the moment. My own experience has been that it's important to take a pro-active stance. For example, if your mother is not yet responding positively to the treatment she is receiving, it might be necessary for someone to take her back to her doctor or therapist.

Meanwhile, here's hoping that your mother stabilizes quickly. At the point she does, you may start to see more of the mother you once knew but it might also be necessary to do a bit of patch-up work on the relationship. Note that if you start to feel terribly distressed, you might want to consider seeking out some form of therapeutic support for yourself.

Wishing you and your family the best.

[Amy79]

I cannot even begin to thank-you for sharing your experiences with your own child, and their bipolar disorder with me. I am going to keep reminding myself that it's not really my mother's personality coming through when she says those things, but rather the disorder that is taking over. I'm going to keep in very close contact with my father, and he can gauge whether or not it's a good idea for me to come back and visit this Christmas, and I am also going to mention to him that he may want to take the proactive stance you suggest, and bring her back to the doctor if it continues. We all love her very much and want her to be happy.

This is so new to me, and I am so grateful for you to be sharing your experiences. It really helps to know that we're not alone in this. Some times when these things happen you can feel like your lost - but I really don't feel that way anymore...

I'm going to proceed with caution with my mom, and try and be as sensitive to what she is going through as I can. I'm also going to read-up throughly on the disorder so I know what she is going through...

Thank you so much. I hope you have a wonderful Holidays, and the best to you and your family as well.

[spiritual_emergency]

You're most welcome Amy. I do understand that at the beginning, it can be very discouraging because it's so new and unfamiliar. However, if you continue to participate/read here, you're going to encounter more and more people who are dealing with this on a day-to-day basis -- the degree of severity, support, recovery, etc. varies on an individual basis but there's no doubt that many people are able to function quite well with various forms of treatment. Feel free to share this site with your brother and father if you feel comfortable doing so as they might also benefit from the information that is shared here.

Two other discussions that may be helpful to you at this time are:

- When Someone You Love is Bipolar

- dontknowwhattodo

There are also some introductory posts at the top of the main page when you first select this topic that have some additional basic information.

I hope you have a wonderful Holidays, and the best to you and your family as well.

Thank you. I'll hope as much for both of us. At the moment, it appears my child will be able to spend the holidays, at home with us. That's something we're all looking forward to.

~ Namaste

[phoenix47baby]

I have never heard of anyone with bi-polar acting like this. And I have been educating myself for twenty-five years. Could your mother possibly have some sort of psychosis besides just being bi-polar. I am sorry you have to go through this. Take Care and good luck.

[lonegael]

Unfortunately, Phoenix I have, because I can get that way with a mixed episode. I haven't walked on broken glass (as an adult) but I have punched myself hard enough to give myself a black eye, and I wish I could forget the things I have said...
I think it actually is more psychotic like when the person who is sick doesn't really get what is happening. I found with time I can recognize when I am heading for a bad space and can take some precautions. I realize that I am fighting a crash right now. So, I have to give myself space, sleep enough and really let up on the stress. It does help the sprial from really taking off, even if the downer still leaves it's mark. Before, I would have simply crashed and burned.
(((((Amy))))) I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your mom is still there, but it is a bit like dealing with any episodic illness, migranes for example. Stressfull times and other strains on the system will make her less herself. She will need help and understanding to pull through, and though I admire your patience and your love for your mom, please do not allow yourself to be abused. It will hurt your sense of who you are and lead to bad feelings between you. Not to mention add more things for your mom to regret when she is better. Huggs, and I really hope that the docotrs can help your mom be stabilized soon.

[spiritual_emergency]

phoenix47baby: I have never heard of anyone with bi-polar acting like this. And I have been educating myself for twenty-five years. Could your mother possibly have some sort of psychosis besides just being bi-polar.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly where psychosis fits into my own child's pattern. What seems to be happening is a hypomanic state which moves into mania. In the course of that movement we often see some degree of grandiosity but it's ego-centered grandiosity as related to their own unique skills or talents. We'll also see what I call "reality slippage" wherein they'll be talking away and everything they say is quite rational and then, a statement comes in that doesn't belong. It can be so subtle and innocuous that most people couldn't catch it, but those who know the history or situation, know the statement doesn't belong. This indicates to me that they are wafting into at least occasional periods of a delusional state.

During this stage they'll also feel so up and positive, they reject the suggestion that anything is wrong even as the people around them point out exactly where and how they are crashing. This too relates to a lack of groundedness in reality but it's not yet what I would call full-blown psychosis -- perhaps this is because I'm looking for evidence of ego-collapse as the determining symptom. When that does come, depression seems to come with it but also more intense and florid imagery, including the presence of religious symbols, i.e. -- talking to Jesus.

If anyone else has experienced psychosis as part of their pattern of bipolar disorder, I'd be interested to know if their experience matches that same pattern to any degree.

[lonegael]

I have, but it really has more to do with seeing people who aren't there, shadows in the dark, figures moving about at the corners of my eyes, and occassional, very occassional voices. I think that I just was completely at the mercy of my moods when I was younger. I really thióught what I was feeling was a reflection of reality. I know better now, and can act accordingly and take in what people around me are saying in a different way, even if I still feel irritated by folks managing my moodss for me

[spiritual_emergency]

lonegael: I have, but it really has more to do with seeing people who aren't there, shadows in the dark, figures moving about at the corners of my eyes, and occassional, very occassional voices.

Thanks for that lonegael. Can you recall if you were more likely to have those experiences during a manic or depressive episode? I know there may not be a clear cut pattern.

[lonegael]

I get mixed episodes; I have been purely hypomanic but never manic. So instead of spiralling upward, I get thes hightly anxious, desperate, frantic periods where I can't sleep normally (I sleep but brokenly and the scheduleis screwy) and my anxiety and depression get worse towards night. yes, I get more symptoms especially hearing things then. However, I get the visual symptoms mostly at the beginning of an up or down slide. I know that they are, though they can startle me, I know they are "brain spooks" They tend to fade out as the swing continues in either direction if I am not on meds that can worsen them (serzone, yippee no longer on the market). That's all!