[BNLsMOM]

Why is it that when my depression lifts, my anxiety goes sky high?

I am seeing a pattern...

Depression lifts to reveal paranoia and anxiety for several weeks, then I get all hypomanic and have all sorts of revelations, only to drop back down, feel vulnerable and drop back into depression.

I know Lithium is doing something, because I have been able to exercise and feel a little less overwhelmed with life this week.

Is this as good as it gets?

[perpetuallysad]

I don't know, I cannot say I've ever been "stable" so I have no clue what its like. My paranoia is something I have to battle with constantly, whether depressed or manic! Ug, its very hard to live with. Right now I'd have to say I'm in a depression, but my mind is a-racin' so I think I'm headed the other direction again. I think its just a big circle really. Round and round she goes, where she stops-nobody knows!

Oh ya, I also have serious problems being delusional, but that's mostly when I am in a manic time.

[BNLsMOM]

To elaborate, Iposted this also in Schizophrenia and Psychosis:

I am noticing a pattern with myself. I will be depressed for a period of time, and once it lifts, I become paranoid and anxious and have thoughts such as worrying that friends of mine will drive by the house and stalk me, or that people in cars I don't recognize are spying on me.

These things only happen once a depression lifts. The last time, it lasted several weeks and included an episode of hearing a voice say, "Hey," and another two voices whispering something I couldn't understand before I went into a hypomanic state. I also start to be able to feel the "energies" almost to the point of being able to feel people's feelings and can almost tell what their thoughts might be according to those energies and what I would be thinking if I was feeling those things within myself. I can feel "energies" and can tell the mood of a househole simply by driving past or looking at a house. It's not all houses, but some of them feel strong to me. I noticed I was starting to feel house energy again today.

Then while I was in (hypo) mania I was wishing for those voices to come back and tell me what I was put on Earth for. I was having revelations and amazing thoughts and I thought I had the key for curing all mental illness and creating peace in the world.

I went down from there into a vulnerable and very raw feeling state and dropped into a depression. While in that depression I went through several med changes to the combo I am on now. My depression has lifted as of this week, but I started feeling anxious and paranoid again last night.

This seems to me to be a pattern of schizoaffective disorder. I read about it and I would have to fit the criteria of bipolar, which I do and have been diagnosed with, and fit two or more of Criteria A for Schizophrenia. The ones I recognize in myself are the delusions/hallucinations (although I have only ever had that one episode of voices and one when I was a child, I have had paranoid and grandiose delusions throughout my life) and the lack of motivation.

I know I shouldn't diagnose myself and no one here can do that either, but what I want to know is how you were diagnosed as schizoaffective and what was it that the diagnosing doctor thought was your hallmark sign. Was it a clear and obvious diagnosis, or was it somewhat of a mystery until your doctor went digging?

It's important for me to know so that I can make sure I am being treated correctly and effectively.

[Trying & Caring]

I think your best bet is to document all the changes in emotions/energy/paranoia you feel. Give this info. to your doc. Hopefully, you have a doc who is working w/you in a collaborative nature so your insight into your own symptoms will be taken seriously. These are all "symptoms"--but it is just for insurance purposes the docs have to nail you w/one dx. It is a continuum of mood disorders & figuring out how to relieve the symptoms without worrying about the DX is the best course, I think...

[BNLsMOM]

Lately I have been comforting myself and getting myself to sleep at night by thinking about the hospital and creating safety by thinking about bed checks, and imagining the staff asking me questions to make sure I am OK.

Last night it occurred to me that my life could be a giant hallucination, and that I am really in the hospital right now. Maybe night time is when I have small moments of clarity. Probably not, but...

I am not sure what to believe...

[perpetuallysad]

OH MY GOD! I have wondered the same exact thing before. I've even tried to get my husband to do things that make me feel like right now is real, just to make sure.

[BNLsMOM]

I think I need a reality check. I was feeling like I was someone else when I was picking my son up from school. I felt like I was a cartoon character that is on a show my son watches. It was weird. It was like I was seeing the world from this character's point of view. I kept feeling so spaced out and I was actually afraid that I might have an accident.

I see my T on Wednesday, but he may receive a call from me tomorrow as well.

[Moose72]

That sounds like depersonalization. Btdt. Hope your pdoc can help!!!

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Moose72

That sounds like depersonalization. Btdt. Hope your pdoc can help!!!

Is that a common bipolar experience? I have had things like that happen to me all my life. More when I was a child, but occassionally as an adult.

[missmoonshine]

The best advice is to talk to your Doc about this, you may need your meds adjusted or reviewed. With my bipolar I have not yet been 'stable' I am always either depressed or hypomanic. I dont suffer from paranoia, however I do know that some people with bipolar certainly can

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Is that a common bipolar experience? I have had things like that happen to me all my life. More when I was a child, but occassionally as an adult.

I don't know if its common but its part of my experience being BP 1 .

[BNLsMOM]

I told my T about everything today and he is being so supportive. He told me I can call him anytime I want and he is going to help me explore why I am having these experiences and help me learn to feel safe with them.