Confession and cautionary tale

First, the confession. I messed with my meds. I know, I know. Intellectually, at least. They've been working so well too. Have usually been able to talk sense to myself enough to not do it. But. Started to get a fear -- pretty rational actually-- that I wouldn't be able to stay on my med. Why? No insurance anymore (divorced, and I'd previously been told I'd have it till September), out of state move and have no P-doc (or any other kind of doc), making another move shortly so in limbo of getting set back up with one or if I'll even be able to, financially, because I'm also unemployed now (and not eligible for unemployment. I left the job -- all 8 or so hours a week of it-- to move.) And how's this for classic? With the new BF, I've felt TONS better than in so long, that I really thought I could get away with it. Soooo, thinking on all this, I decided to lower my dosage (Lamictal) from 200 mg/day to 100 mg/day, thinking the longer I can make it last, the more time I'll have to try to get properly set up, or, barring that, to maintain the balance it's given me that I've never had (and have been oh-so-appreciative of). It's been 2 weeks. Today I woke up a bit of a mess, thinking very negatively and feeling that impending doom on the horizon. To be fair, there were also a couple of nights previous to this waking up in the middle of the night and basically fretting with that blender of dominoes in my head, whirling 'round and 'round.

I'm upping it to 150, and counting everthing out to see how long I have to either get it together or ramp it down safely (don't want to, but may not have a choice). Realistic enough to know that if I don't get it to a working level, my catastophic thinking *will* come true because I'll be so depressed (the "impending doom" -- been there too many times to not recognize the sign) that I won't be able to function well enough to make it happen. With the next move, one of my first orders of business will be looking into what's available, even though it is one of my huge fears (I am in complete fear about asking for help of any kind and even more afraid of negative responses. Past experiences have reinforced this as a realistic fear, though I do realize that part of it is me not being able to admit/express just how badly I need something. And the least negative response spirals me big time. Then I really can't ask. A big frustrating circle.)

Ugh. Sometimes I really really hate my brain. Sorry this is so long, but I just had to get it out. This is the only place I feel remotely comfortable enough talking about it. I know I screwed up. Am trying to fix it, but still freaking out over the very issues that initially brought on my stupidity.

Deep breath. Send.

(((innerzone))), you are not screwed up at all. Did you maybe look into free health care? I am not to sure where you live bit I know around here there are places. I am sorry you are struggling right now, although it may not seem like it will get better! Please stay strong and remember you are important!

I agree.. there are lots of community health clinics that offer free or really reduced care. My last roommate went to a free clinic even though he had a job he still qualified. He had to travel like 45 minutes to get there but it's worth it. Most mid-to-large cities have them. In fact, most small cities have them too. Try calling the welfare office to see if they have a list or look online.

If you think about it, now is the worst time for you to be messing with your meds. You have so much change happening that you need your head to be in a good place. I understand your thinking but I'm wondering if you considered the fact that being off of meds combined with the stress of moving and starting a new life could make things unpredictable and out of control. Just a thought.

Regardless, I agree with caring.... look for a free clinic or income based clinic. They are around you just have to find them. Let me know if you need assistance or what-not. I'm happy to help as I can. Good luck and I really hope things work out positively.

Hi there. I know how it feels to feel like you are running out of meds and you count it out and try to make it last. I ended up in the hospital trying to do that with Klonopin.

Can you ask your current p-doc to write you extra refills so you don't run out until you get settled?

You can transfer prescription from most major pharmacies to other branches all over the country.

hi, would you be willing to go to a income-based clinic? if your not working there most likely will be no charge for services, and in some cases they fill and pay for prescriptions. well, hope this helps, just look up mental health clinics for your area, okay? take care

Thanks so much, everyone!
I'll definitely be checking out what is available once we get there (though it will terrify me, Must.Do.). I'm not quite as worried about *having* the prescription as affording them once I run out of this batch, as I found out I'm already off the insurance (and I thought I was on till Sept...).

BNLsMOM, I will be sure to see if I can transfer the remaining refills to a local place once we get settled (the 'scrip is currently in the mitts of the former insurance's mail order place).

Yeah, gravvvy, you're right, it was not the best time to mess with them with sooo many changes (big ones) happening right now.

On the plus side, today and yesterday I've been in a better place, head-wise. I upped from 100 mg to 150 mg (was originally at 200 mg). Hope that does the trick, but if it doesn't, I _will_ go back to the 200....it's just not worth it to have my head messing with me especially at this juncture.

Monday just really freaked me out. To find my mind going back to *those* places that it hadn't been for a few months (which, hello! means meds are working, right?!), it was....disquieting. I don't want to go back there again. It was quite the reminder... even being only the tip of the iceberg, it was scary enough...