[englishteacher]

I have to go back to MHMR tomorrow for a bipolar screening...at least I think that's why I'm going back. The last visit is a bit of a blur, as I was so far into depression that I can't even really remember what I said while I was there.

So, I was diagnosed with severe depression years ago. I got off meds due to finances (yeah, stupid choice). Depression came at me with a vengeance. I'm used to depression. I can relate to depression, but bipolar worries me. Why? don't know.

Still, there may be something there - I was so depressed Monday morning that I worried I wouldn't be able to teach class without crying. I think did cry until about 30 minutes before class. Then, snap - I felt fine...couldn't figure out why I had been so sad. It's weird. It feels weird.

It's not like anything changed or happened Monday. Nope, just more bad news. A colleague of mine lost her husband over the weekend and I found out on Monday. Normally, this would have just added to my depression. It's not that we're close, but I always feel very bad for people who are in mourning. Just watching a movie where someone dies can put me in the darkness.

But no...I feel fine - energetic and ready to do positive wonderful things! Except that in a tiny corner of my brain, I'm terrified of the next depression and strangely, I'm afraid that I might actually be bipolar.

[perpetuallysad]

I don't have any advice. But I understand your fear. Maybe just finding out one way or the other will help to ease your mind some. I know once I was finally diagnosed I had a big "ah ha" moment and I finally understood a lot about myself.

Good luck.

[BashfullOne]

I don't know why they say I'm BP2 - I'm just always depressed or just numb and I'm always afraid of everyone. But they are now calling Manic Depression as being BP - I didn't even know there was more than one type of BP until I came here. Then figure out the BP2 best descripes me. I rarely ever feel "fantastick" or even "great".... I am either depressed or numb to feeling anything. And I always wish I was the one in the Obits....
Like Perpetuallysad said, maybe once you know for sure you'll feel some what better.
I wish you the best!

[Anneinside]

If you haven't had any mania or hypomania that they will diagnose you as having major/clinical depression. If you want to know the symptoms of (hypo)mania go to www.wiki.com.

[englishteacher]

I scored pretty high on the bipolar screening, but knowing that doesn't particularly help me. The intake lady said that the chemicals in the brain can change and Depression can become Bipolar. Wow - that was helpful. So, I'm escalating? Where will that end? Will I eventually just completely lose touch with reality to protect myself? will I even care anymore if I'm in reality or in la-la land?

There just aren't any resources out there for me. I can't afford meds, doctors, etc. BUT MHMR says with my income, I'd have to pay $150 a month for services. I don't even know what those services would be, since they said I couldn't see a doctor until June. So...what's the point? By June, I'll either feel better or be gone.

First, don't panic. A bipolar diagnosis doesn't mean you will go off the deep end necessarily. I'm an English teacher myself up north of Dallas (I graduated from Alice by the way. I know your neck of the woods.) I've been able to work and carry on with life pretty well.

The healthcare issue is a problem. You don't have insurance through your school district? I'd go ahead and make an appointment with a doctor through MHMR. You can always cancel it later. In the meantime, if you get just too depressed or suicidal, go to the ER. Don't let things get out of hand. I think someone else mentioned maybe finding the DBSA chapter in Corpus and seeing if you can get involved with them.

[englishteacher]

I don't work for a school district any more. I taught high school for two years - it was not for me, which they apparently realized last spring when they told me they would not renew my contract because it wasn't in the best interest of the district. I had never been written up or even called into the office to be reprimanded. I never got a real answer from the district as to why I was let go. So...that was another opportunity to feel bad about myself - I failed.

I work for Del Mar College - part time, contract labor, adjunct. We adjuncts are not eligible for health care. I will be unemployed at the end of the semester. I won't know if I have any classes in the Fall until a few days before class starts. It's a nightmare, but corporate America has no use for someone who has been teaching college for 10 years. I've had full time college jobs, but not in this area. We move, my husband can't stand to live anywhere but Corpus, so we move back and I'm unemployable again.

[englishteacher]

Oh - and I called MHMR to see what services I would get - they would provide counseling and a prescription...then I have to fill the script on my own, so more money I don't have.

[perpetuallysad]

I know you must feel incredibly frustrated. Your financial situation seems very similar to mine. You stated in another thread that you live a "comfortable" life (so do I) but cannot afford to go to the doctor, etc. I'm in the exact same boat. I finally got added to my husband's insurance two months ago, at a cost of nearly $400 a month, to find out last month that all of my mental problems are "pre-existing conditions" and will not be eligible for coverage for 18 mnths. So now, we have less money than before, when we couldn't afford for me to pay for a doctor, and no insurance coverage for the mental health services I need! I have been getting my wellbutrin through this program called "Bridges to Access" by the parm company. The application was fairly long (like 4-5 pages) and you have to give them a lot of personal financial information (check stubs and permission to call your employer to verify), but it covers the prescription for me. You also have to have the cooperation of your prescribing doctor, because they are the ones who actually have to submit the application and prescription(s) for you. Even the generic is about $80 a month, so it is very helpful to get it through them. Maybe once you get your prescription, you could try applying to some sort of program like that?

[englishteacher]

I don't know. I'm begining to wonder if I even want to pursue any help at all. It's too much trouble. Getting meds is causing so much stress and my hubby seems to think getting meds would solve the entire problem, but I think I probably really need therapy too. It's all just too much to deal with anymore. What's the point?

[perpetuallysad]

The point is that you deserve to feel better. I am sorry its hard though. I had written a longer response before and deleted it (I do that all the time), I wish I had left it now. Anyway, I know that this is all very hard. And not having enough money to get proper medical care and therapy makes it even harder, but you shouldn't give up on yourself. If this was to help your husband, I bet you would be willing to go through as much crap as necessary to get him help. You deserve the same. You are worth feeling better for. I am in bad financial situation as well and I couldn't afford the $150 a month either. I'm on meds and I get a 30-40 min t session once a month. Its all I can do, I need more, but its all I can afford at this point. And I promise you I am in a better place for the little bit of help I do get than if I was getting nothing. You are worth the trouble.

[englishteacher]

thanks perpetual - I wish I could agree...but I just don't feel worth anything right now.

englishteacher! I've felt like you many many a time, so I understand that feeling, but perpetually is right. Even a little is better than none. You'll be in my thoughts and I'm really hoping that you will get at least a spell of seeing that you are worth it and able to pursue it. Don't be afraid to ask for help (I know, I know, easier said than done...especially when you are feeling like that). Sometimes just taking that first step can provide some relief and motivation though, you know?

[englishteacher]

except that I took the steps - I asked for help...but I just keep hitting road blocks - no money, no meds, no therapy. When the people who are supposed to help say no - no appointments, no new patients, we can see you in 3 months, we can help but only if you pay money that you don't have - that's all I've heard for the last week.

Sorry, englishteacher.... Then I shall hope for some kind of break and/or an unexpected "yes" to come for you!

[WendyAussie]

Hi, I'm Wendy in Australia and I have Bipolar, panic and anxiety disorders and I am a sober alcoholic. I truly feel your pain. I have lived with it on a daily, monthly and yearly basis - for a lot of it with daily S* ideation and then the act itself, just to survive only just barely. Your depression may well be Bipolar based and from my understanding, Bipolar related depression can be worse than Major/Unipolar Depression alone. And you do sound like you've swung into a Hypomanic state, although of course this is only speculation as I am not a doctor. I know this is so difficult and you really do need answers, but sometimes it is hard for the doctors to get a correct diagnosis early on as we present each time differently. They need not just to be observing you and asking questions, but they they need to do baseline mood charts each time so they have empirical evidence of your mood states over time. Some are good at using those charts, some are slack. I know you have financial difficulties but if it is at all possible it is so important to see a psychologist as well, and preferrably one who works with the psychiatrist - then there is even more opportunity to establish your mood states contributing to a correct disgnosis, as well as, of course, having added support and life and thinking strategies that can help with your ilnesses and life in general. All of this applies wehther you have Bipolar or any other mental illness.

If you can't see a doctor until June, then you could seek out every single support mechanism available in the meantime. Call a crisis line (we have LifeLine in Australia). Find out if you can call them on a continuing basis. If you get more acutely suicial, present to the ER or call 911 - please don't hold off from doing those things becuase your illness is not physical. When you call the crisis line, you can use the time on the phone to gain general support and understanding, which we all need - but ask them very specific questions about support of any kind in the area in which you live. Ask them are there any support groups such as GROW, a 12 step based mental health recovery group which is available across the globe - no cost (You can also sesrch the Web for that. Ask whether there are any such groups which are government funded You can also search the Web). Find out if there are any in-home services which do not require payment - the list can go on and on but you get the idea.

Again, I 100% empathise where you are at as I have lived it and ultimately taken the action you mentioned. I only just survived, but boy, did I created an even bigger mess than was there before. I wouldn't want you to go through that.

[Anneinside]

Your comment, "I'ts all just too much to deal with anymore. What's the point" suggests that you need help, both counseling and medication. Get what you can get such as the counseling through the MHMR program. There are many generic drugs you can try that aren't as expensive as brand names. One of those may help you. You should make the appointment but see your medical doctor for now to try something for depression and mood stabilization.